Wednesday, June 7, 2017

MTBD

I had a sudden mental breakdown again tonight.

It had been awhile since the last time I had one but it still sucks. Today, realised that I was acting a little bit weird but I thought it was just one of my feelings since I have always been weird. For some reasons, I actually felt off- as the emptiness was deeper than usual. I didn’t know why but I chose not to think about it too much and proceeded with my life. Later in the evening, I went for dinner alone today. Having dinner alone didn’t make me sad. Instead, it made me felt self-cautious. I constantly felt like being pitied for eating alone by people there and it felt so wrong. I didn’t like that. I don’t like that.

Everything was okay until I got back into my car.

Once I got back into my car, I felt the sudden need of eating sundae ice-cream which is it’s actually one of my comforting tools. I felt like I really needed it but I ignored the feeling as I told myself I was actually okay. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t having a breakdown. I was perfectly fine. I didn’t need sundae. So I left without buying sundae.

And then, at the traffic light.

The traffic light in front of my uni’s gate is known for taking forever to change its light. So I was on my phone, scrolling Twitter as usual. Out of the blue, I was hit by a wave of sadness. I felt sad. I grieved. I was so close to tearing up but I tried my best not to let it consumed me. The light had not changed yet. I felt overpowering. I wanted to breathe ocean’s smell. I wanted to see beautiful view. I wanted to have certain people being beside me. I felt trapped in my own self. I wanted to escape. But it’s already night. I couldn’t go anywhere that I’m not familiar with alone at night. I felt bad. I felt like a great loser.

The light had finally changed.

I changed my gear and started driving. I didn’t want to go back into campus. I didn’t want to go back into my room. I wanted a getaway. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wanted to breathe. But I still continued to drive back to my hostel. I drove around the parking lot for a few times because I was delaying my time. Then, I parked my car and changed my CD from Big Bang’s to KAT-TUN’s. Harukana Yakusoku (The Distant’s Oath) started playing. I don’t know how this song works on me but it has always made me feel like it is shattering my soul yet mending it at the same time. It is like my spirit song. The one I listen to whenever I feel so helpless and vulnerable but want to get up immediately right after the fall. So I listened to the song and started to repeat the song again once it had finished. By that moment, I realised that I was not okay. I would know that I was actually deep in some shits when I bought sundae or repeating Harukana Yakusoku non-stop. It hit me then and there. I started focusing on the lyrics and before I knew it, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was crying silently. I told myself that I was okay, I was fine.

I tried to talk myself into it but failed.

I made an instastory hoping that I would get distracted from everything and continued to cry. I could not stop crying and kept on repeating the song again and again. It felt suffocating but I wanted to stay in my car. I wanted to sleep there if I could. But I couldn’t so I just curled in the driver’s seat and cried some more. A moment later, I checked my phone. There, him- replying to one of my instastories. I saw his name on the notification and started sobbing loudly. I’ve missed him. I was with him only for a few months but I have missed him so much. I wanted him to comfort me like he always did before. I wanted him to be there for me whenever I wanted him to. I wanted him to listen to my bullshits. No, I don’t want him as my boyfriend although I did like him before. He left because he found out about my feeling towards him and I still blame myself for losing one of the best guys in my life. But then and now, I have always wanted him just as my good friend and nothing more. I want to lean on him again and cried on his shoulder every time I feel bad.

Is that too much to ask?

And then there’s one of my best girlfriends. She replied to my instastory too. She started nagging about me isolating myself from people and being stressed out all the time. She was angry at me lol. She actually told me to stop making her feels worried since we are not in the same college anymore and Penang-KL are not that near for us to easily have meet-ups whenever we feel like it. I said I was sorry, I didn’t mean to make her feels worried about me aaaaand of course she had to continue her nagging. I cried even louder. I want to hug her. I’ve missed her too much. I want her here with me. I want to be there with her. She kept on nagging and I kept on crying. I love this girl. What did I do to deserve this girl in my life? Sadly, I met her way too late. I wish we were in the same school so I could be excused from some pain I felt earlier in my life.

I pity myself.

I pity myself for not being good enough to my own self. I deserve more than all this pain. On top of that, I pity others who are I’m so clingy and attached to. That’s why I have stopped opening up to people. I can’t risk myself again. I am such a mess when I’m having mental breakdowns. I would constantly need some particular people’s attention and they might not be able to give me that. I would need them to provide me comfort. I would want them to ease my pain. And whenever they couldn’t be there for me, the desperate need would turn into physical pain. It’s not their fault but I still can’t risk anything. Fgs, they have their own lives to live. They have their own problems to deal with. They have so much things to be worried about rather than thinking about me and my mental breakdowns. They don’t deserve this tortures. That’s why I can’t open up to people anymore. I can’t be that selfish- to be a burden in some people’s lives when they already have their own baggage to carry. I can’t open up. I can’t be egoistic. I need to lift myself up on my own.

I need to be strong, for my own sake.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Kuala Lumpur

We only appreciate something when it is gone. Well, it’s true.

Often enough we take things for granted, no matter how small that thing is. And it is bad enough that all it takes to sober us up is to lose it. Just then we will miss everything, appreciate everything. It sucks to be that kind of human but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves.

And now, in this very moment, I really am missing Kuala Lumpur.



Some of you know how much I had been complaining about being in KL and stuff but yes, I miss being in KL right now. I miss being in KL so much that once I had to pull over at the roadside while driving alone at night on my way to dinner and everything just hit me up so bad that I had to call someone and cried my heart out. I can’t believe this myself but it’s the truth and it makes sense too because KL was a small part of me although I didn’t go to many places and barely remember the roads there.

I miss living in the old and creepy Institut Maxisegar building.

I miss being picked up or picking someone’s up whenever one of us came back passed our curfew. I miss watching TV in the living room with strangers. I miss waking up at midnight and saw Athirah’s sleepy face. I miss waking up to the sound of people opening and closing their lockers. I miss being awaken by my roommates for subuh. I miss spreading my body in the living room when it’s too hot to be in bed. I miss climbing up to my bed. I miss being taught kak Nur. I miss listening to Oya and Khalilah’s bickering. I miss being spoilt by Afrinaa. I miss Kak Aainaa’s songs. I miss receiving compliments about my hair and body from Shiraak. I miss having Hanani buying me food whenever I didn’t feel like leaving my bed. I miss eating maggi together with people from the other room. I miss the fun. I miss wearing matching ‘baju kelawar’ with Maxisegar warriors. I miss the bakso across the road. I miss being terrified together with the others when it was raining heavily or thunderstorms. I miss the view from the 12th floor. I miss seeing all of us running to the windows with our handphones in hands just to take pictures of the sunset. I miss watching them went crazy. I miss Oya and Ira’s wild dance. I miss the loudness.

I miss the college.

I miss the small college with elevators. I miss hanging out at UniKL and ogling guys. I miss the food around there. I miss eating chicken black pepper at the ‘tempoyak’ stall. I miss the crowd at those warungs. I miss waiting for RapidKL to go to classes. I miss walking back alone from college under the scorching hot sun. I miss the confusing plan of the building. I miss sitting on my favourite bench whilst listening to my songs and observed people.

I miss the circles.

I miss my girlfriends- MD. I miss going out with the girls to do whatsoever. I miss my lovely classmates. I miss the cool lecturers. I miss bumping into anyone from my high school. I miss eating lunch with Rafiq. I miss my Srikandas, eating dinner or whatever because they loved me too much. I could tell. I miss going back to Keramat for once in awhile. I miss having packed schedule- my friends had to make appointments with me for dinner because I always had company lol. I miss seeing some people. I miss receiving surprise visits from bae. I miss having lots of acquaintances.

I miss the trips.

I miss the impromptu trips. I miss the sudden trips with Afrinaa just for the sake of my book addict. I miss having something to look forward to for weekends like you had plans but you didn’t really had plans. I miss going to the hot air balloon fiesta with bae who came all the way from Johor just to cheer me up a bit. I miss buying books from Bookalicious and hearing Leon's laughs. I miss having someone to drive me around. I miss letting someone else driving my car. I miss just being the car while someone else's driving with nowhere to go. I miss going on bookstore hopping. I miss riding at the back of Ajoy’s housemate’s Grand Livina at 3 in the morning because Ajoy brought all his housemates just to send me off at the airport lol. I miss driving at the highways. I miss the fun I had. I miss being content.

I am missing everything.

Well, maybe, just maybe, I would probably feel the same way once I left Penang too. For now, I haven’t found any happiness here. Sure, I do feel happy at times but I can’t say if there are pure happiness in me or nope. Then again, I only found my true happiness in KL during my second year of diploma so it might work the same here too. I need to stay calm, still got another 3 years here lol. Everything will be fine at the end. I hope it will. I wish myself to be happy as it is. I wish I will stop sulking randomly.


Be happy, asshole.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Elements

She is fire –
burning with high spirits and strong passions,
bravely wearing her heart on her sleeves
whilst heating up every inch of the entire space
no matter where she sets her foot on.

She is water –
looking so fragile and unbelievably calm,
like a heartless soul, like a weak woman,
yet she can be rougher than ever
and when she does, we will eventually drown.

She is earth
naturally bows to almost everything and everyone,
very much humble but never timid,
always everywhere to offer strength,
lifting others up when they’re about to fall.

She is air
sometimes can’t be seen but the presence is felt,
touching other’s hearts like the nice morning breeze
and wrap them in the embrace of great comfort
so their hearts will be cool but as warm as hers.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

cont;nue

Semicolon (;)

Image result for semicolon suicide awareness

I had never known about this until it suddenly appeared on my Twitter's timeline. First, I was attracted to the tattoo drawn on the wrist. People usually have this tattoo on their wrists so I looked up for the meaning. Once I read the meaning, I had never wished I could have a tattoo so bad in my life. If I could tattoo myself because for fuck's sake, I would absolutely have this tattooed on me if I could. I have been hooked since the beginning because I feel like I can relate to this.

No, I do think I can relate to this.

I have always been depressed. It's not that I'm diagnosing myself or what but yeah I am actually meeting a counselor right now because the counselors suddenly ambushed us during class to answer the depression/anxiety/stress test. Guess what? I totally nailed it. Out of sudden I got a call from a counselor, asking me to have an appointment with her. I refused at first but then since she was pleading me so nicely (and I am sucker when people talk nicely to me including the salesgirl), I agreed. So yeah, that's that. Don't worry, I am not going to kill myself, my good deeds aren't even that much yet. Still a long way to go, yay me. 

Okay, I wrote crap.

I am sick of the society judging the suicidal victims and putting all the blames on them. Yes, they took their own lives. Yes, they did it themselves. Yes, everything was basically their faults. But have you ever taken your time to sit back and think of the reasons that led them to actually do it? The force that had been pushing them to the edges? The fingers that pulled the triggers? I bet you have never done that. All you do is blaming everything on them and obviously they can't speak for themselves since they are dead. well, unless if they have left you letters or notes that explain themselves. But still, even if you read their letters, would you ever try to put yourself in their shoes just for a very brief moment in order to understand them a little bit more? No, I don't think so. It's true that they chose to leave you, someone who loves them dearly. They chose to be selfish and left everyone who loves them behind. But can you please open up your mind more and think more deeply about their situations? You might not know something about them, something that they have been keeping in them and now taken into the graves. Seriously, have you ever thought about that?

Now you're speechless.

I am not saying that I'm actually approving their acts. I am not even enabling them. what's wrong is still wrong. Nothing can change that. what I'm trying to say here is, instead of blaming them 100%, can you please be more understanding? Their situations might be understandable and make sense to you once you have opened up your mind to actually think about them and their situations. Because sometimes, they are just the guns. But people are the ones who actually pull the triggers.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Friend

Friend; define friend.

There were times when I would be bumping into some folks whom I knew when I was walking with some friends and they would say, “Wow, you’ve got many friends. I would shush them away by saying something as “They are not friends, they are just some acquaintances”.

Because it is the truth.

There are people who are not actually our friends. They are just a bunch of people who accidentally appeared in our lives, made a spot in it and left us knowing nothing about them; a bunch of people who say meaningless hi or give meaningless nods to each other. Can we call them friends when they are just some random people who happened to be involved with us?

I don’t think so.

As I grow older, I tend to make less friends. I can’t bother about people anymore; as some people say “It’s quality that matters, not quantity”. I won’t argue with that. But that’s not my intention whenever I chose to stay in my small circles or my safety cocoon. When I was younger (specifically, when I was in high school), I used to think how important it was to know people- to at least have connections. I would add seniors on Facebook with the ‘Notice me, senpai’ thought in mind. Since I wasn’t a beauty with brain, which is *sobs* I still am *sobs*, I would try my best to make myself useful so people would be ‘friend’ with me. Camera, laptop, etc., I used them so people could use me. I used whatever I got to make them come to me. I used them because I wanted to be used even though I would end up crying from time to time because oh god it did hurt when you realised you were actually being used by your ‘friends’, when you realised you were just someone who could be replaced in no time, when you realised you actually meant nothing to them. But I buried those pain deep inside me and convinced myself that it was okay to be hurt because of that- it was worth the pain. That was how much I wanted to be involved with people. That was how much I thought connections were important. That was how much I desired some ‘friends’.

But that was the old me. Did I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Never.

I was stupid and hurt. I let myself being used. I actually liked people who didn’t even like me. I was left with scars which I still have them tattooed on me. To be frank, I have been feeling better although sometimes thinking about the past would turn me into one soppy bitch and it would usually last for days. So when I grew older, I stopped throwing the word ‘friend’ so easily.

“Hey Caek, is that your friend?” 
“Eh no, he’s just someone I know from Facebook.” 
“This girl friends with you ah, Syahir?” 
“Nope, we're from the same primary school ja.” 
“Caaaaaaaaek, you are friend with this guy?” 
“No no, he’s just the guy from my class during high school.” 
“Syahirah, she’s your friend?” 
“Naaah, she’s just someone I know.” 
“Caek, you’re going to have dinner with your friend ka?” 
“Eh no, bukan kawan. He’s my senior lah.”

Oh yeah, I actually differentiate between ‘friend’ and also ‘senior’.

Truth to be told, when these things first happened before, I actually shocked myself with the words that came out from my mouth- they came out so naturally as I threw them out without thinking. Later on after this situation kept on happening, then only I started to think why I had been saying stuff like that. I did some deep thoughts and I realised about this shit after for awhile. Apparently, it’s just another bitter truth that I need to accept. Life does slap you with reality from time to time, huh? *smirk*

I have stopped being bitter about this.


Now that I’ve got myself some people who I can actually call ‘friends’, I literally feel better of myself. I have survived the painful phase and I learnt from my stupid mistakes, attaboy! *pat myself at the back* But somehow, sometimes I can’t help myself but to long for the people who used to be my ‘friends’.

Image result for bigbang gif

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Another day

She’s trembling.

She’s hurt.

She’s desperate.

“Breathe. Remember to breathe”, she kept on repeating that sentence while the truth was she had forgotten the way. She needed fresh air as bad as a baby goldfish wriggled for water on a dry surface. “Breathe, please.” She needed to breathe, for the sake of herself and also her sanity. She was losing it. Her brain was losing it. Car key was grabbed hurriedly. She rushed towards her car- her safety capsule, her cocoon, her bubble. She got into her car, started the engine and played her CD. It was that song. That song was busting through the speakers on repeat as her tears rolled down her cheeks, unstoppable. She had her forehead laid against the steering and sobbed her heart out. One hand was clutching her heart, demanding its pain to fade.

Head raised. She felt better.

It was wonderful how the song worked on her. The song- it could shatter her heart but somehow mend it at the very same time. She didn’t really understand that herself, but she loved the magic it had on her. It was like a poison that could kill you first before it saved you. She calmed down. She was finally at ease. But she needed to figure her mind out- that overloaded mind in that empty soul. It was dangerous, and maddening. More or less, she was still hungry after fresh air and her safety bubble did not have that provided for her so she had to go out. The driving was done absent-mindedly, it was a miracle she didn’t hit anyone. Arrived somewhere, the car park was almost full. She found a spot, parked her car and went out. She went out. Went out into the world. Went out into defensive mode. Went out with a mask on.

Stood straight. Fists clenching. Fear came.

She had never done this before, going out all alone at late night. “It’s fine. I’m going to be fine,” she walked lazily passing over strangers and finally sat on an empty bench at the park. Her head was down. Her eyes were fixed on her fingers. “Don’t. Don’t do it. You will be okay again,” she bit her lower lip. Hard. The pain was nothing. She wanted to hurt herself. She suddenly felt numb after the pain she suffered earlier. Did she feel numb or she had come to desire the pain? She did not know. Both of her hands were locked together. She didn’t trust herself not to do it. She just couldn’t. She didn’t want to do it- to call someone begging for comfort just because he had that in him. She’s desperate, yes. But she was trying hard not to downgrade herself that much. A sob came, she held it in. “You will endure this and you will survive,” she talked herself into it. She actually begged herself. Eyes were closed for a while, trying to conceal the pain deep in her soul. Eyes opened. Chin lifted. She’s fine now. She believed she was. The cold night wind touched her face softly as it was trying to wipe away her tears and comfort her troubled heart. It worked. She was not totally healed, but she’s moving ahead. She would be fine. She knew she would. She had to.


So she did. She didn’t call him. She survived another day without him.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I am the kind of girl who...


  • gets hungry all the time but gets full easily.
  • could be in her room for one whole week without going out at all.
  • people would assume all sugar and nice when the truth is she's nothing near to those.
  • refused to cook just because everyone is making a big fuss about it.
  • likes my own pictures on Instagram using her brother's account because he has never liked them on his own.
  • wakes up late in the early afternoon and barely falls asleep at midnight.
  • does not like pink but dusty pink and rose gold are exceptional.
  • curls in bed doing nothing but think how her life is currently a total joke.
  • tries to dress more femininely, girl-like and shits as she grows older just to end up looking like a freaking troll wearing clothes.
  • has wall built up thicker when it comes to another girls compared to boys.
  • could be so heartless at times that it would make you think how could she be that heartless.
  • has a temper but soft-hearted.
  • tends to get more addicted to being alone with each time she gets declined by someone whom she actually wants to spend time with.
  • falls fast but rarely deep which is a good thing because whenever she falls deep, it's over for her.
  • gets happy over little things such as a random text, or even when someone gets her a tissue without being asked.
  • cries too much that she would feel so tired and her heart feels numb.
  • is up for adventures but only when it comes to the right persons.
  • gets attached to people without realising it, either she shows it or not.
  • tries to overcome her sadness with fangirling.
  • people would hate and get annoyed of.
  • prefers young Salman Khan compared to Shah Rukh Khan.
  • gets trembling whenever she drinks caffeine because she rarely drinks coffee.
  • could never memorise lyrics of one whole song even when it's her own favourite song.
  • has random thoughts from time to time.
  • listens to every genre, every song, could be Kpop Jrock or even Hindustan songs as long as her ears find them nice.
  • prefers tanned guys than the fair ones.
  • likes things or someone that she knows she couldn't have.
  • does not have her very own slippers at home because she barely be home.
  • could sit in the car for hours doing nothing but listens to her CDs.
  • tweets too much that she herself gets annoyed of it.
  • prefers car dates rather than going to cinemas or the malls.
  • does not like kids and sometimes finds them scary.
  • does not really know how to use chopsticks but still uses them to eat instant noodles.
  • prefers not to sleep on a pillow because she would use it to cover her face instead.
  • sleeps with blanket no matter how hot it is.
  • buries her nose in books or a pillow whenever things get too difficult.
  • could throw tantrums or burst out crying whenever she craves for foods.
  • wants to success in life but never works hard enough to gain it.
  • could barely open her mouth to a stranger but talks non-stop once she gets comfortable.
  • is a VIP til whenever.
  • wears earphones when she's out in the world just to keep her self safe and sane.
  • does not know her own self-worth.
  • has been ruined by Park Seo Joon.
  • used to write when she's happy but not anymore because sadness has become her only inspiration now.
  • tells the same story from time to time.
  • rebels to her family.
  • you wouldn't want to ever involve with.
  • mothers won't approve of.
  • you do not want in your life, ever.

Image result for hwarang sunwoo gif

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Nervous

I have never been a people person. I have always been afraid of meeting one. Even when it comes to some regular friends of mine, I would still have something stirs up in me and I can't say if it's a good thing or nay.

Is that even healthy?

Nervous. I feel nervous almost all the time. I truly can't decide which one is better; the nervousness of meeting someone new or the nervousness of meeting someone whom you haven't met after a long time. I have always felt nervous for either way around. Should I feel nervous? Is it okay to be nervous? Am I the only one who feels this way? Does anybody else feel the same way too? Do you?

I have never thought about this until a few days ago.

Everything was so sudden. Before did I know, I would be meeting someone whom I haven't met for at least 5 years. Well, frankly speaking I thought it took longer than that. But still, I'm excited and nervous right now. And I can literally feel that nervous has overpowered the other feeling haih. I need to freaking calm down.

I hope the meet up would go smoothly.

Image result for kang daesung gif

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

10 Things That I Thank Afiqah Syazwani



1. Thank you for being my private cook, for cooking me fried rice because you knew I loved it and even illegally ride a motorcycle to send the food to me as I was busy being sick in bed.

2. Thank you for buying me Dunkin Donuts when I was craving for them so bad even though you, Atulai and Syera ate them all as you guys were too scared to ask me to come down because I was in a very bad mood that time. The thought still counts *wink*

3. Thank you for listening to me ranting about my Kpop and Jpop shits and even watched the video of Kamenashi Kazuya flipped his shirt opened eh hahaha.

4. Thank you for giving me tissues and foods when I cried my eyes out as I had my heart shattered into pieces.

5. Thank you for always getting mad and cursing people on my behalf whenever I was too numb or sad to do so. This attitude of yours always managed to ease me a bit.

6. Thank you for calling me from time to time because I suck at keeping in touch with people and getting your calls (although you cried most of the times but it's fine since we usually ended up crying together) warms my heart.

7. Thank you for turning me into a gaaaaaay because fuck it girl I bought you flowers what the hell?

8. Thank you for watching Gokusen and actually fangirled over it, you have no idea how much it means to me.

9. Remember that one time when I pulled over at the roadside just to call you and cried? Yeah thank you for being the first girlfriend that made me opened up that much. I've never called a girlfriend just to cry my heart out. It still feels weird to have a girlfriend whom I could pour my heart out this much and it scares the shit out of me but I'll try to adapt to it.

10. Thank you for simply existing and staying despite all the curses and harsh words I threw to you.

If I had to list everything that I want and should thank you, it would take years. Keep being yourself, there's nothing I would want you to change (other than that stupid diet shit of course). Happy belated birthday, girl.