Friday, December 29, 2017

2017 Wrapup

2017 is indeed the worst year for me – mentally, emotionally and physically. However, this year is the year which I have finally stepped out from my comfort zone. I tried things that I had never done before. It feels like I was embarking on my own journey in searching for my true self. It is a self-discovery and self-healing year all at once. Am I healing? I think I am, although there are times when the wave hits me harder than before. So here’s the lists of my highlighted events occurred in 2017.

The good ones.
  1. Became an exco in St. John (never held a position this important in my life lol).
  2. Started loving myself more. Still ain’t enough, but better than before.
  3. Going out more often.
  4. Smiling more. And actually meant it.
  5. Discovered a new favourite place to chill.
  6. Met Yeob and Aben.
  7. Went hiking for the very first time – Moon Gate 5, Penang. Hope it’s not going to be the last one too lol.
  8. Fell in love with the sea. Hard.
  9. Iftar at the beach for the very first time.
  10. One of my best men is finally back in Malaysia.
  11. Met new lovely people.
  12. Nailed my second semester.
  13. Cut off some toxic people.
  14. So many good things happened to the people I love.
  15. Became more self-centered lol because why not.
  16. Been participating in events as a secretariat.
  17. Finally involved in publishing work!
  18. I have been looking at the sky more than the ground.
  19. Reunited with my MD sobs.
  20. Got better in socializing with people.
  21. Youngbae and Hyorin’s engagement.
  22. Letting go.
  23. More blunt.

The not-so-good ones.
  1. Became distant with people whom I actually care because uh they’re toxic.
  2. More haters since I’m more well-known now lololol blame those events.
  3. Still that thickheaded hot-tempered Caek.
  4. Did not have a proper family photo for eid.
  5. Been eating Samyang and maggi wayyyyy too much.
  6. Failed to get hostel.
  7. BIGBANG’s long hiatus.
  8. Tabi’s scandal.
  9. SHINee's Kim Jonghyun’s shocking death.
  10. Still stuck with some toxic people.
  11. Overslept on an important day and ended up troubling my friends.
  12. Got random mental breakdowns from time to time.
  13. Got mental breakdowns in public and couldn’t stop the flowing tears.
  14. Got rushed into ER due to hyperventilation (I know it’s petty but I was terrified af, still am by the way).
  15. Got mental breakdown for a week – was MC on the first day, went to class on the next days just to come back crying in my bed.
  16. Still a crybaby.
  17. Got sick too much.
  18. Required to go to the hospital regularly due to the unresolved mystery heh.
  19. Been skipping classes a lot. A LOT.
  20. More blunt.
  21. Lost someone who once told me that I got him. What a lost sobs.
  22. Still beating up myself for the stupid things done in the past.
  23. Haven't completely forgiven myself.
  24. Witnessed a close friend suffering due to paranormal stuff.
  25. Been forgetting the Creator.
  26. Became more selfish that sometimes I surprise myself.
  27. I feel like I actually haven’t learned a thing in my third semester.
  28. Got the worst carrymark in my life for my coursework.
  29. The worst acne breakout in my almost 23-year-old life.
  30. Skin becoming so bad.
  31. Pretty sure my third semester’s exam would be hell.
  32. Chubbier sobs.
  33. Still broke af.
  34. Haven’t done a single part-time job lmao fml.
  35. Still that Caek-chan who get attached too fast, has a heart made of glass lol.
  36. Once I have disliked someone, I can’t put a mask anymore. I show it crystal clear.
  37. Fooled myself at one point lol.
  38. Hit someone’s car.
  39. Less reading and writing.
  40. Been feeling uninspired to write.
  41. Haven't stopped procrastinating everything. 

So yeah, these are all I guess. It’s a good year but so many not-so-good events did happen in this year. I hope 2018 will be a better year for me, especially for my health. I have been asking for too many things from him yet I took my health for granted that I forgot to include healthy life in my prayers lol. He up there must be annoyed of me for requesting too much and being so greedy lmao but sokay He is the Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim.

Cheers to 2018.

Image result for bigbang gif

Friday, December 15, 2017

Confession #18

Is it crucial to have a relationship in my age? I don’t know… maybe yes or maybe not. It depends on the person. A lot of my friends have gotten married, some of them are even gifted with babies now. And me? Here I am, still jamming to my favourite songs like all the time, have mental breakdowns from time to time, cry myself to sleep at nights and sometimes even cry when I’m hungry lmao. But yeah, that’s what I have ever been so far.

Do I wish to act like a grown up?

Indeed, I do. I want to be seen as someone matured, someone who will be able to carry herself all the time despites the fact that she is going through her toughest times. I want to be someone who people can look up for. Someone who is dependable. Someone who my family can finally be proud of. Someone who people give respect to. I want to be this someone. And I miserably failed in achieving it.


Because I rant too much. I whine about my difficulties. I have never been grateful enough for what I have. God up there must be saying how an ungrateful lass I am although He has actually given me more than I deserve. I should change myself – this is what I have been telling myself all this time. I tried to speak less, be firmer than before. I try to change. I want to be different. I don’t know if it’s a good different or not, but I still want it.

And it feels damn weird.

What does feel weird? Everything. Everything seems weird to me. It is just… odd. I know people change, but the changes that I have been witnessing around me are severe. I am having hard times just trying to digest and adapt to the changes happening around me. It feels as everything is moving at awfully fast pace; as everyone is walking waaaaay ahead of me and I am left alone behind, completely unaware of my surroundings. It’s a terrifying view. I feel trapped. I feel so small. I want to talk to my friends, I’ve missed my friends. But they have their own families now. They are at their own levels. And I feel as I am just a tiny little bean trying to have some attention here and ignored because uh duhhh I don’t really keep in touch with people??? So once they are married, have babies or moving further, I feel as the door has been slammed in front of my face. It feels terrible. I have mixed feelings. I feel happy for them yet I am mourning for whatever that I myself am uncertain about. I find it hard to reach to my friends once they are married or away. I feel as there is a gap between me and them; an invisible boundary that separates me from them. I feel awkward.

I don’t like this feeling. 

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

This Man

This man… we first met on Friendster (yes, Friendster) so many years ago and have become friends ever since then. Imagine how many phases have we gone through – from Friendster, Yahoo! Messenger, getting each other’s numbers, MySpace, Tagged (wtf), Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We only met in real life for a few times but God knows how much I treasure this friendship. This man is the only person who calls me ‘dak kecik’ despites the fact that I am not that kecik anymore. Pakcik, I am 10 years older than the time we first knew each other okayyyy /facepalm/ but it’s okay, I don’t really mind that. This man… had to listen to me whining and complaining about how hard life was when I first entered boarding school. This man literally told his friends that he was talking to his ‘anak menakan’ when being asked and passed the phone to them so I could confirm it with them lmao. This man… he was the one who kept giving me advice at times when I least expected. This man… has never forgot to wish me on eid and birthday. This man… he was and still is one of the people I look up to. This man… is all grown up.

This man… is now married.

Credit to: Salimah Ismail

Happy married, pakcik! I really feel bad about not going to your wedding reception because I’ve missed ya and we haven’t met each other for so long and now you’re married and I can’t believe this because it feels as only yesterday I talked to you through my hostel’s public phone under the stairs just to complain about my stupid insecurities and shits. And now you’re married. Oh God, that’s a very big responsibility for you to carry but you are one of the best people I know ever. I believe you’ll be a good husband to my makcik hehe. Take care of my makcik okay pandai cari ha makcik segak hiks. Makcik should take care of my pakcik gak haha urgh just take care of each other okay?! I wish both of you eternal happiness and may He give you strengths to go through any upcoming difficulties in life. May He bless you with all the happiness you two deserve and grant you with whatever you wish for. I’m sorry lmao I want to write something for ya but I can’t write a beautiful one so here is a non-pretty open letter for ya. See ya when I see ya!

Your favourite anak menakan,
Syahirah Berhan

P/s: Nanti kecik kahwin pakcik kena mai!
P/ss: You’re employed and married now, kena start bagi kecik duit raya!

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Being noticed

I have always believed myself as an observer, but not someone who's actually being observed. So every time someone notices all the little things and all the small details about me just by seeing me and not because I’ve told them, I feel… touched. I am flattered. It overwhelms me, but in a good way.

It feels nice. Does it always feel this nice?

I love to observe people; to look at the moves and gestures made. Sometimes I can even feel content just by setting my eyes on them. It’s complicated. I love to look at my mom’s moving chest when she is asleep as it is always a relief to know that she’s still breathing. I love to see at the way my nephew blinks. I love to witness bae’s straight face forming into a small smile and finally turns into a big one. I enjoy seeing one of my classmates’ ponytail jiggling along with her each step. Sometimes I even like staring at people and merely admire the unexplainable beauty. Thus it had never occurred to me that someone could actually notice me, as I noticed the others.

But someone already has.

There was this one time when I was eating a vanilla flavoured bun and one of my classmates came to me and asked, “Don’t you like chocolate? I’ve always seen you eating this one”. I was at loss of word for a few seconds. And then, I simply laughed. I laughed because I had never thought that someone would actually notice that. But she did.

Yet for some unknown reasons, it made me feel delighted.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Things that make me happy in Penang

  1. The splendid view
  2. The sky
  3. The beach
  4. The sunrise / sunset
  5. The ocean
  6. Eating at the beach
  7. Hanging out at Chew Jetty
  8. Hiking Moon Gate 5
  9. Queensbay Mall’s pan mee
  10. The Kapit’s chicken wings and green tea
  11. Tanduk CafĂ©’s bihun sup (but it’s gone now)
  12. Nazri’s bihun celup
  13. Wanie, Yeobo, Aben, Humayra, Falis and some of my classmates
  14. Sleeping in
  15. Sleeping early
  16. Knowing class / meeting just got cancelled
  17. Foot drill
  18. Whenever someone is visiting over
  19. Finding a vacant parking lot near to my apartment’s entrance
  20. Collecting my parcels from UniStorage
  21. Queensbay Mall’s Daiso
  22. Bumping into people whom I like on the street
  23. Eating lunch at Awet Muda
  24. Discovering new places with certain people
  25. Getting a call from bae
  26. Laying down on my queen size’s bed after the very long day
  27. Finally letting my hair loose
  28. Being offered food
  29. Driving to my CDs
  30. Trying new food / stalls / restaurants / etcetera
  31. Sometimes, the rain
  32. Eating breakfast
  33. The ocean breeze
  34. Getting sun-kissed skin at dawn / dusk
  35. Walking around Georgetown
  36. Buying postcards for my loved ones
  37. Riding the bike with Hazwani or Aina
  38. Getting picked up for dinner or new adventure
  39. Taking great photos of me and the view
  40. Finally getting my works done
  41. When I actually have time to do my artsy stuff lmao
  42. Good Day’s green tea
  43. Subaidah’s nasi goreng
  44. Driving through Penang Bridge
  45. Great Wi-Fi connection at St. John’s room
  46. When things go well for me

Friday, October 13, 2017

Ultimate Bae

Noun; Before Anyone Else

Anyone is possible to be a bae to someone. Mine is my bestfriend, a guy who stepped into my world 7 years ago and has never walked out of the door (yet). I wish that will never happen, not until the very last breath.

Either his or mine.

He came into my life and little did I know, I have built a home in him. A home that could sooth me just by its presence. A home that could provide me comfort just by listening to its voice. A home that could effortlessly put me at ease after all the restless days I have encountered. A home that I have been longing for every time I seek for consolation.

A home that I would always crave for.

He is the first person I would turn to at my hardest times, the first person I would look for at happy moments. I like how we rarely talk to each other but still manage to pick up on each other’s life as how we left it before; as there isn’t a day that has passed without us talking to each other. I like how we call each other from time to time, and the fact that he knows he is actually helping me to keep myself sane by doing that. I like how he would be able to find the sadness in my voice and say, “What’s wrong? I can tell just by your voice” although I sometimes try to cover it up. I like how he listens to my ramblings and nags me about boys anytime he thinks he should. I like how he acts like he couldn’t care less yet becomes protective when the occasions require him to be so. I like how we’ll see each other sometimes without having someone else interrupting our moments. I like how he doesn’t pamper me with sweet shits and stuff but illustrates his love in his own way. Always manage to surprise me. I really appreciate the fact that he never says he would stay, but he did.

And it means the world to me.

Once, I asked myself out of curiousity (and because some people have been questioning me about this urgh it annoys me to the core ffs), “Do I love him more than a friend?”. Yes, I admitted to myself. I love him more than a friend, he is more than a friend to me. Yet the truth I have acquired in me is – everything I feel of him is completely platonic. There is absolutely zero romantic feeling involved and I am 110% sure of it. I felt a pang of relief as soon as I confirmed that because I myself, was worried that I might ruin this whatever bond we have. This bond is priceless to me and I don’t plan of destroying it, ever.

To You,
Hello, big guy. You know who you are. You know that I am your number 1 fangirl and will always be that way so you sometimes don’t even bother to keep your reputation clean in front of me because you do know that I will always feel the same way towards you no matter what. You know that I cherish you so much that I would like to have you as my best man – or my groom’s (I would fight him just to make him gives this pleasure to you) – on our wedding day later. You are so important to me that if one day, I would be lying down in the hospital’s bed out of sickness as I did before, I really hope you could rush back to spend some time visiting me. Because, my man, seeing you helps. Your presence is vital. That is how important you are to me. I do realise that the feeling isn’t mutual, but then again, I am a selfish person. A greedy one. So, help me. Stay. And please don’t get married before me. 
Your Number 1 Fangirl, 

But he will never read this, because he doesn’t read my blog lmao.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Confession #17

Earlier today, a friend suddenly hugged me and told me how she was so scared seeing me sobbing real hard while being taken off into the emergency room yesterday. That she was so worried about me as she and the others were nervously waiting for my news for hours. And I burst into tears too, I know that feeling. I was terrified too. I did, I still am. After the incident happened, I have become so aware of my breathing and my heartbeat.  I know it sounds like I have exaggerated everything, but it was my first time experiencing it and I swear I was so terrified that I was crying badly in front of the doctors like no one's business. I couldn't care less about whatever they were doing to me, I just wanted to feel myself again. I hope it won't happen again. The thought that it might happen again alone already leaves me breathless.

But I can already feel as it is happening again.

Monday, August 21, 2017

One Final Letter

Dear you,
This is not written to beg you asking you to come back. No, I am seriously done trying this time. So, this is a letter which I’m telling you of the things I am thanking you for and how I am finally letting you go, for good. I mean it this time.

Dear you,
This is written in the middle of the night. Or early in the morning since it has passed midnight now lol. You know about my insomnia thingy, right? To suddenly wake up in the middle of the night because of mosquitoes or stuff or sometimes for no absolute reason at all. Ah, you forgot. Of course you did. My bad, I’m sorry. I’m still bitter thinking about how things have ended between us. I guess I’m a bit immature but I can’t help myself, so deal with it until you have finally finished reading this. (But you won’t be reading this *smirk*)

Dear you,
You know who you are. I am so thankful of you for letting me had a taste of a better version of myself. As much as I am bitter about us, I am more grateful that I finally lived a life. A calmer soul. You turnt me into something whom I didn’t expect I was capable of. I was at my lowest point and was trying to rebound when you happened. And you healed me. Not completely, but I was healed enough to finally put myself at ease again. Those few months you were there for me lending your shoulders whenever I needed them. You were there when I was sick. You were there when I had no one to talk to. You were there when I needed someone to depend on, to hold me as I was seconds away from crumbling although you did realise that I was nothing but only a burden to you. You were there. And for that, I couldn’t ever thank you enough.

Dear you,
Someone who knew about us (let’s pretend as we did have an ‘us’) thought I was more broken-hearted because of you compared to my break up with my 4-year boyfriend. That someone was wrong. I was broken-hearted because both of you, yes, but you were the one who made me resent myself so much. The heart-breaking break up with my former boyfriend….. well, at least I am sure that he actually loved me even for a bit. But you, I don’t think you even cared about me. You made me resent myself so much because ever since you walked through the door out of my life, I can’t help myself but keep on doubting myself in everything. I mean, how stupid I could be? Why did I let my wall down so easily? How did I trust you so fast? Why the fuck I fell for someone in just a couple of months? Etcetera. More questions come bugging me from time to time, squeezing my brain for the answers. So you, bruh, you literally raised me up so high in the sky just to let me fall hard and quick into the ground.

Dear you,
I have lost so many people in my life; those whom I lost were the ones who meant so much to me yet I gave up on them without even trying to make them stay. When I was younger, I lost one of my dear best friends. I didn’t run after her. Indeed, I watched her walked away from me. A few years later, I had a fight with my another best friend and I gave up right away. Did I cry? Hell yeah, I did. I cried night after night, thinking where did I do wrong. I cried from time to time, thinking of the things that I couldn’t share with them. I cried a lot, until I was finally tired of crying. I didn’t make any effort to stop them then because I have always thought that people would stay if they wanted to. But for you, bruh, I put that aside. I put effort on you. I actually ran after you. I tried to pull you back, I didn’t want to lose you like I lost the others. I tried again and again, even when I was about to die of embarrassment knowing how pathetic it was to beg for someone to stay as they wanted to leave so bad. I wanted you to keep being my shoulders so much that I promised myself to never let you found the truth of my feelings towards you because I knew well that you would leave once you learnt the truth and I was not wrong. Didn’t you realise I had been throwing you a fullstop everytime the 'thing' between us was getting out of hand? Every single time, I would be the one who put the fullstop and shut the door. But in the end, I was still the one who you blamed. Wow. Okay. So yeah, I am done trying. I am done begging. I am totally done. I told myself that it was a good thing I didn’t fight when people chose to leave, because obviously the fight would go to waste. People would still go if they wanted to and you would be the one who was left behind, wounded.

Dear you,
I’m sorry I got a bit carried away as I am writing this but fuck it. I need to end things properly even if it means I’m pushing the pink flesh of wound again. You had done many good things to me and I really appreciate that. I appreciate that you helped me with stuff and became my spirit booster when I desperately needed one. I appreciate that you once happened to me. But what I don’t appreciate is you continuously popping in and out of my life. Every single time I was doing fine, you would be popping in and then gone again. It’s tiring as fuck. If you wanted to be my friend again, you should have acted like one but you didn’t so yeah I knew it. Move.

Dear you,
As much as I’ve been listening to Tablo’s Eyes Nose Lips, I am not wishing you hell. Frankly speaking, I am wishing you neither hell nor well. Of course you once made me happy, but you made me suffer too. You stabbed me when I was least expecting. So no matter how childish I might sound because of this, I would say it’s fair.

Dear you,
Please go, and never come back.

Your former ‘kekasih gelap’,

Wednesday, August 16, 2017


I am hurt, again.

Few days ago I’ve come to know something that I wish I didn’t know although I have to admit that knowing it is what’s the best for me. The hurtful truth shattered my heartland. I thought the wound I have all these time was the deepest wound I could ever get, but I was wrong. I guess it’s true when people say that numbing the pain will only make things worse.  I didn’t believe it before yet now the truth of this saying has come slapping me hard in the face, forcing my eyes to go all wide. I believe it now. Of course we have to go through the first-hand experience in everything to wake up from the dream we insist in staying. I was slapped hard in the face, splashed with heart-cold water and kicked down to the edge of the mountain.  Am I hurt? I am. I hurt so much and it annoys me. I get irritated so much of myself, of my capability in feeling things that I refuse to feel; things that I don’t want to let through me. I am hurt, but I feel like I am heading towards numbness again. I really hope this time I would stay in the numbness forever, without having to wipe clean the blood that flowing through from the painful wound from time to time. From numbness, I'm going back to pain. Pain almost equals to sadness. Everything will eventually come back to sadness. Yet I believe that I will be fine and I refuse to believe any other way although fine is a very subjective word here. I believe I need to stop feeling things, especially the slightest ones.

I believe in Tablo when he says “Sadness is home”.

Friday, July 28, 2017


I fear one day I would wake up and find myself to dislike books. I fear one day I would have to wake up realising that any of my family is gone. I fear one day I would wake up to have no friends at all. I fear one day I would wake up finding the blue sky is not beautiful anymore. I fear one day I would stop loving the sunsets. I fear one day I would wake up to not loving the people I still loved just the day before. I fear one day I would not feel content just by the sound of wave hitting the land at the beach anymore. I fear one day I would find songs have no meanings to me any longer. I fear one day I would wake up losing everyone who used to offer me comfort. I fear one day I would wake up to find morning breeze is not pleasing anymore. I fear one day I would realise that I am looking at the ground more than I look at the sky. I fear one day I would finally realise that my heart has literally lost its capability in beating for someone else. I fear one day I could laugh and smile without actually feeling it. I fear one day the sound of rain would not spark the happiness in me. I fear one day I would realise that I have stopped feeling excited over the sight of a rainbow. I fear one day I could not bring myself to appreciate nature anymore. I fear one day I would wake just to hit the realisation that I can never be happy again.

I fear one day I would completely stop loving all the happiness in the world.

Especially the small ones.

Save Me

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

Lately I have been living like the dead; I barely eat or take my regular bath anymore. I sleep after dawn and wake up at 2 or 3 p.m. on a regular basis. The songs I listen to are only the sad ones. I don’t even bother to check my phone anymore. Few days ago I didn’t even check my phone for two days straight and surprisingly no one bothered to look for me. At first, I did feel sad but it was only merely the first few seconds because damn it girl why did you think there would be someone who bother to check you up when you yourself are not the kind of person who checks up on your friends too? And just like that, I laughed away my stupid thought just now.

But that’s not everything.

I have so many things planned in mind. Every single night I will tell myself to do this and that tomorrow but when I wake up the next day, every plan will be crumpled in mind just like a piece of paper tossed into the bin. There are so many things that can be done such as going to the hospital to check for the two lumps in my thigh, going for window shopping at Watsons, finishing my St. John tasks, settling MARA stuff, making new designs for my instashop, applying for scholarships, scrolling Instagram, working part-time, or at least slaying my TBR pile. Yet I have done none of them. I keep burying myself in bed even when I am actually wide awake.

On the other hand, I don’t cry anymore. It’s a good thing, I guess?

I listen to sad songs but I don’t cry. Maybe I’m still tired from all the crying I had few weeks ago lol. Sometimes I feel pathetic for feeling happy and proud over other people’s happiness and success simply because I can’t have them on my own. How am I supposed to have them when I don’t even work for them? How am I supposed to go to Japan when I don’t even do my saving right or working part-time to actually earn money? How am I supposed to get scholarships when I don’t even apply for any? How am I supposed to lose weight when I just give up on the fifth day? How am I supposed to encounter any happiness in life when I am still buried in bed, covering my face with a pillow and earphones plugged into my ears playing to sad songs? How? How to start moving? How to be productive? How to actually boost my spirit without having it dead a few days or a few milliseconds after that? How to not let myself being stepped by the monster of fear in me?

How to be alive?

Usually when I find things too much to handle, or it is too hard to breathe, I would go out from this house trying to breathe some fresh air into my lungs and hoping I could clear my mind too. However, lately I have been letting myself to drown. I feel it’s hard to breathe yet I can’t take a step out from here. I feel like I have all the pressure and thoughts choked into my throat. I feel suffocating, I feel like I am drowning.

Yet I refuse to save myself.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017


I had a sudden mental breakdown again tonight.

It had been awhile since the last time I had one but it still sucks. Today, realised that I was acting a little bit weird but I thought it was just one of my feelings since I have always been weird. For some reasons, I actually felt off- as the emptiness was deeper than usual. I didn’t know why but I chose not to think about it too much and proceeded with my life. Later in the evening, I went for dinner alone today. Having dinner alone didn’t make me sad. Instead, it made me felt self-cautious. I constantly felt like being pitied for eating alone by people there and it felt so wrong. I didn’t like that. I don’t like that.

Everything was okay until I got back into my car.

Once I got back into my car, I felt the sudden need of eating sundae ice-cream which is it’s actually one of my comforting tools. I felt like I really needed it but I ignored the feeling as I told myself I was actually okay. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t having a breakdown. I was perfectly fine. I didn’t need sundae. So I left without buying sundae.

And then, at the traffic light.

The traffic light in front of my uni’s gate is known for taking forever to change its light. So I was on my phone, scrolling Twitter as usual. Out of the blue, I was hit by a wave of sadness. I felt sad. I grieved. I was so close to tearing up but I tried my best not to let it consumed me. The light had not changed yet. I felt overpowering. I wanted to breathe ocean’s smell. I wanted to see beautiful view. I wanted to have certain people being beside me. I felt trapped in my own self. I wanted to escape. But it’s already night. I couldn’t go anywhere that I’m not familiar with alone at night. I felt bad. I felt like a great loser.

The light had finally changed.

I changed my gear and started driving. I didn’t want to go back into campus. I didn’t want to go back into my room. I wanted a getaway. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wanted to breathe. But I still continued to drive back to my hostel. I drove around the parking lot for a few times because I was delaying my time. Then, I parked my car and changed my CD from Big Bang’s to KAT-TUN’s. Harukana Yakusoku (The Distant’s Oath) started playing. I don’t know how this song works on me but it has always made me feel like it is shattering my soul yet mending it at the same time. It is like my spirit song. The one I listen to whenever I feel so helpless and vulnerable but want to get up immediately right after the fall. So I listened to the song and started to repeat the song again once it had finished. By that moment, I realised that I was not okay. I would know that I was actually deep in some shits when I bought sundae or repeating Harukana Yakusoku non-stop. It hit me then and there. I started focusing on the lyrics and before I knew it, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was crying silently. I told myself that I was okay, I was fine.

I tried to talk myself into it but failed.

I made an instastory hoping that I would get distracted from everything and continued to cry. I could not stop crying and kept on repeating the song again and again. It felt suffocating but I wanted to stay in my car. I wanted to sleep there if I could. But I couldn’t so I just curled in the driver’s seat and cried some more. A moment later, I checked my phone. There, him- replying to one of my instastories. I saw his name on the notification and started sobbing loudly. I’ve missed him. I was with him only for a few months but I have missed him so much. I wanted him to comfort me like he always did before. I wanted him to be there for me whenever I wanted him to. I wanted him to listen to my bullshits. No, I don’t want him as my boyfriend although I did like him before. He left because he found out about my feeling towards him and I still blame myself for losing one of the best guys in my life. But then and now, I have always wanted him just as my good friend and nothing more. I want to lean on him again and cry on his shoulder every time I feel bad.

Is that too much to ask?

And then there’s one of my best girlfriends. She replied to my instastory too. She started nagging about me isolating myself from people and being stressed out all the time. She was angry at me lol. She actually told me to stop making her feels worried since we are not in the same college anymore and Penang-KL are not that near for us to easily have meet-ups whenever we feel like it. I said I was sorry, I didn’t mean to make her feels worried about me aaaaand of course she had to continue her nagging. I cried even louder. I want to hug her. I’ve missed her too much. I want her here with me. I want to be there with her. She kept on nagging and I kept on crying. I love this girl. What did I do to deserve this girl in my life? Sadly, I met her way too late. I wish we were in the same school so I could be excused from some pain I felt earlier in my life.

I pity myself.

I pity myself for not being good enough to my own self. I deserve more than all this pain. On top of that, I pity others who are I’m so clingy and attached to. That’s why I have stopped opening up to people. I can’t risk myself again. I am such a mess when I’m having mental breakdowns. I would constantly need some particular people’s attention and they might not be able to give me that. I would need them to provide me comfort. I would want them to ease my pain. And whenever they couldn’t be there for me, the desperate need would turn into physical pain. It’s not their fault but I still can’t risk anything. Fgs, they have their own lives to live. They have their own problems to deal with. They have so much things to be worried about rather than thinking about me and my mental breakdowns. They don’t deserve this tortures. That’s why I can’t open up to people anymore. I can’t be that selfish- to be a burden in some people’s lives when they already have their own baggage to carry. I can’t open up. I can’t be egoistic. I need to lift myself up on my own.

I need to be strong, for my own sake.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Kuala Lumpur

We only appreciate something when it is gone. Well, it’s true.

Often enough we take things for granted, no matter how small that thing is. And it is bad enough that all it takes to sober us up is to lose it. Just then we will miss everything, appreciate everything. It sucks to be that kind of human but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves.

And now, in this very moment, I really am missing Kuala Lumpur.

Some of you know how much I had been complaining about being in KL and stuff but yes, I miss being in KL right now. I miss being in KL so much that once I had to pull over at the roadside while driving alone at night on my way to dinner and everything just hit me up so bad that I had to call someone and cried my heart out. I can’t believe this myself but it’s the truth and it makes sense too because KL was a small part of me although I didn’t go to many places and barely remember the roads there.

I miss living in the old and creepy Institut Maxisegar building.

I miss being picked up or picking someone’s up whenever one of us came back passed our curfew. I miss watching TV in the living room with strangers. I miss waking up at midnight and saw Athirah’s sleepy face. I miss waking up to the sound of people opening and closing their lockers. I miss being awaken by my roommates for subuh. I miss spreading my body in the living room when it’s too hot to be in bed. I miss climbing up to my bed. I miss being taught kak Nur. I miss listening to Oya and Khalilah’s bickering. I miss being spoilt by Afrinaa. I miss Kak Aainaa’s songs. I miss receiving compliments about my hair and body from Shiraak. I miss having Hanani buying me food whenever I didn’t feel like leaving my bed. I miss eating maggi together with people from the other room. I miss the fun. I miss wearing matching ‘baju kelawar’ with Maxisegar warriors. I miss the bakso across the road. I miss being terrified together with the others when it was raining heavily or thunderstorms. I miss the view from the 12th floor. I miss seeing all of us running to the windows with our handphones in hands just to take pictures of the sunset. I miss watching them went crazy. I miss Oya and Ira’s wild dance. I miss the loudness.

I miss the college.

I miss the small college with elevators. I miss hanging out at UniKL and ogling guys. I miss the food around there. I miss eating chicken black pepper at the ‘tempoyak’ stall. I miss the crowd at those warungs. I miss waiting for RapidKL to go to classes. I miss walking back alone from college under the scorching hot sun. I miss the confusing plan of the building. I miss sitting on my favourite bench whilst listening to my songs and observed people.

I miss the circles.

I miss my girlfriends- MD. I miss going out with the girls to do whatsoever. I miss my lovely classmates. I miss the cool lecturers. I miss bumping into anyone from my high school. I miss eating lunch with Rafiq. I miss my Srikandas, eating dinner or whatever because they loved me too much. I could tell. I miss going back to Keramat for once in awhile. I miss having packed schedule- my friends had to make appointments with me for dinner because I always had company lol. I miss seeing some people. I miss receiving surprise visits from bae. I miss having lots of acquaintances.

I miss the trips.

I miss the impromptu trips. I miss the sudden trips with Afrinaa just for the sake of my book addict. I miss having something to look forward to for weekends like you had plans but you didn’t really had plans. I miss going to the hot air balloon fiesta with bae who came all the way from Johor just to cheer me up a bit. I miss buying books from Bookalicious and hearing Leon's laughs. I miss having someone to drive me around. I miss letting someone else driving my car. I miss just being the car while someone else's driving with nowhere to go. I miss going on bookstore hopping. I miss riding at the back of Ajoy’s housemate’s Grand Livina at 3 in the morning because Ajoy brought all his housemates just to send me off at the airport lol. I miss driving at the highways. I miss the fun I had. I miss being content.

I am missing everything.

Well, maybe, just maybe, I would probably feel the same way once I left Penang too. For now, I haven’t found any happiness here. Sure, I do feel happy at times but I can’t say if there are pure happiness in me or nope. Then again, I only found my true happiness in KL during my second year of diploma so it might work the same here too. I need to stay calm, still got another 3 years here lol. Everything will be fine at the end. I hope it will. I wish myself to be happy as it is. I wish I will stop sulking randomly.

Be happy, asshole.

Thursday, May 11, 2017


She is fire –
burning with high spirits and strong passions,
bravely wearing her heart on her sleeves
whilst heating up every inch of the entire space
no matter where she sets her foot on.

She is water –
looking so fragile and unbelievably calm,
like a heartless soul, like a weak woman,
yet she can be rougher than ever
and when she does, we will eventually drown.

She is earth
naturally bows to almost everything and everyone,
very much humble but never timid,
always everywhere to offer strength,
lifting others up when they’re about to fall.

She is air
sometimes can’t be seen but the presence is felt,
touching other’s hearts like the nice morning breeze
and wrap them in the embrace of great comfort
so their hearts will be cool but as warm as hers.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017


Semicolon (;)

Image result for semicolon suicide awareness

I had never known about this until it suddenly appeared on my Twitter's timeline. First, I was attracted to the tattoo drawn on the wrist. People usually have this tattoo on their wrists so I looked up for the meaning. Once I read the meaning, I had never wished I could have a tattoo so bad in my life. If I could tattoo myself because for fuck's sake, I would absolutely have this tattooed on me if I could. I have been hooked since the beginning because I feel like I can relate to this.

No, I do think I can relate to this.

I have always been depressed. It's not that I'm diagnosing myself or what but yeah I am actually meeting a counselor right now because the counselors suddenly ambushed us during class to answer the depression/anxiety/stress test. Guess what? I totally nailed it. Out of sudden I got a call from a counselor, asking me to have an appointment with her. I refused at first but then since she was pleading me so nicely (and I am sucker when people talk nicely to me including the salesgirl), I agreed. So yeah, that's that. Don't worry, I am not going to kill myself, my good deeds aren't even that much yet. Still a long way to go, yay me. 

Okay, I wrote crap.

I am sick of the society judging the suicidal victims and putting all the blames on them. Yes, they took their own lives. Yes, they did it themselves. Yes, everything was basically their faults. But have you ever taken your time to sit back and think of the reasons that led them to actually do it? The force that had been pushing them to the edges? The fingers that pulled the triggers? I bet you have never done that. All you do is blaming everything on them and obviously they can't speak for themselves since they are dead. well, unless if they have left you letters or notes that explain themselves. But still, even if you read their letters, would you ever try to put yourself in their shoes just for a very brief moment in order to understand them a little bit more? No, I don't think so. It's true that they chose to leave you, someone who loves them dearly. They chose to be selfish and left everyone who loves them behind. But can you please open up your mind more and think more deeply about their situations? You might not know something about them, something that they have been keeping in them and now taken into the graves. Seriously, have you ever thought about that?

Now you're speechless.

I am not saying that I'm actually approving their acts. I am not even enabling them. what's wrong is still wrong. Nothing can change that. what I'm trying to say here is, instead of blaming them 100%, can you please be more understanding? Their situations might be understandable and make sense to you once you have opened up your mind to actually think about them and their situations. Because sometimes, they are just the guns. But people are the ones who actually pull the triggers.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017


Friend; define friend.

There were times when I would be bumping into some folks whom I knew when I was walking with some friends and they would say, “Wow, you’ve got many friends. I would shush them away by saying something as “They are not friends, they are just some acquaintances”.

Because it is the truth.

There are people who are not actually our friends. They are just a bunch of people who accidentally appeared in our lives, made a spot in it and left us knowing nothing about them; a bunch of people who say meaningless hi or give meaningless nods to each other. Can we call them friends when they are just some random people who happened to be involved with us?

I don’t think so.

As I grow older, I tend to make less friends. I can’t bother about people anymore; as some people say “It’s quality that matters, not quantity”. I won’t argue with that. But that’s not my intention whenever I chose to stay in my small circles or my safety cocoon. When I was younger (specifically, when I was in high school), I used to think how important it was to know people- to at least have connections. I would add seniors on Facebook with the ‘Notice me, senpai’ thought in mind. Since I wasn’t a beauty with brain, which is *sobs* I still am *sobs*, I would try my best to make myself useful so people would be ‘friend’ with me. Camera, laptop, etc., I used them so people could use me. I used whatever I got to make them come to me. I used them because I wanted to be used even though I would end up crying from time to time because oh god it did hurt when you realised you were actually being used by your ‘friends’, when you realised you were just someone who could be replaced in no time, when you realised you actually meant nothing to them. But I buried those pain deep inside me and convinced myself that it was okay to be hurt because of that- it was worth the pain. That was how much I wanted to be involved with people. That was how much I thought connections were important. That was how much I desired some ‘friends’.

But that was the old me. Did I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Never.

I was stupid and hurt. I let myself being used. I actually liked people who didn’t even like me. I was left with scars which I still have them tattooed on me. To be frank, I have been feeling better although sometimes thinking about the past would turn me into one soppy bitch and it would usually last for days. So when I grew older, I stopped throwing the word ‘friend’ so easily.

“Hey Caek, is that your friend?” 
“Eh no, he’s just someone I know from Facebook.” 
“This girl friends with you ah, Syahir?” 
“Nope, we're from the same primary school ja.” 
“Caaaaaaaaek, you are friend with this guy?” 
“No no, he’s just the guy from my class during high school.” 
“Syahirah, she’s your friend?” 
“Naaah, she’s just someone I know.” 
“Caek, you’re going to have dinner with your friend ka?” 
“Eh no, bukan kawan. He’s my senior lah.”

Oh yeah, I actually differentiate between ‘friend’ and also ‘senior’.

Truth to be told, when these things first happened before, I actually shocked myself with the words that came out from my mouth- they came out so naturally as I threw them out without thinking. Later on after this situation kept on happening, then only I started to think why I had been saying stuff like that. I did some deep thoughts and I realised about this shit after for awhile. Apparently, it’s just another bitter truth that I need to accept. Life does slap you with reality from time to time, huh? *smirk*

I have stopped being bitter about this.

Now that I’ve got myself some people who I can actually call ‘friends’, I literally feel better of myself. I have survived the painful phase and I learnt from my stupid mistakes, attaboy! *pat myself at the back* But somehow, sometimes I can’t help myself but to long for the people who used to be my ‘friends’.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Another day

She’s trembling.

She’s hurt.

She’s desperate.

“Breathe. Remember to breathe”, she kept on repeating that sentence while the truth was she had forgotten the way. She needed fresh air as bad as a baby goldfish wriggled for water on a dry surface. “Breathe, please.” She needed to breathe, for the sake of herself and also her sanity. She was losing it. Her brain was losing it. Car key was grabbed hurriedly. She rushed towards her car- her safety capsule, her cocoon, her bubble. She got into her car, started the engine and played her CD. It was that song. That song was busting through the speakers on repeat as her tears rolled down her cheeks, unstoppable. She had her forehead laid against the steering and sobbed her heart out. One hand was clutching her heart, demanding its pain to fade.

Head raised. She felt better.

It was wonderful how the song worked on her. The song- it could shatter her heart but somehow mend it at the very same time. She didn’t really understand that herself, but she loved the magic it had on her. It was like a poison that could kill you first before it saved you. She calmed down. She was finally at ease. But she needed to figure her mind out- that overloaded mind in that empty soul. It was dangerous, and maddening. More or less, she was still hungry after fresh air and her safety bubble did not have that provided for her so she had to go out. The driving was done absent-mindedly, it was a miracle she didn’t hit anyone. Arrived somewhere, the car park was almost full. She found a spot, parked her car and went out. She went out. Went out into the world. Went out into defensive mode. Went out with a mask on.

Stood straight. Fists clenching. Fear came.

She had never done this before, going out all alone at late night. “It’s fine. I’m going to be fine,” she walked lazily passing over strangers and finally sat on an empty bench at the park. Her head was down. Her eyes were fixed on her fingers. “Don’t. Don’t do it. You will be okay again,” she bit her lower lip. Hard. The pain was nothing. She wanted to hurt herself. She suddenly felt numb after the pain she suffered earlier. Did she feel numb or she had come to desire the pain? She did not know. Both of her hands were locked together. She didn’t trust herself not to do it. She just couldn’t. She didn’t want to do it- to call someone begging for comfort just because he had that in him. She’s desperate, yes. But she was trying hard not to downgrade herself that much. A sob came, she held it in. “You will endure this and you will survive,” she talked herself into it. She actually begged herself. Eyes were closed for a while, trying to conceal the pain deep in her soul. Eyes opened. Chin lifted. She’s fine now. She believed she was. The cold night wind touched her face softly as it was trying to wipe away her tears and comfort her troubled heart. It worked. She was not totally healed, but she’s moving ahead. She would be fine. She knew she would. She had to.

So she did. She didn’t call him. She survived another day without him.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I am the kind of girl who...

  • gets hungry all the time but gets full easily.
  • could be in her room for one whole week without going out at all.
  • people would assume all sugar and nice when the truth is she's nothing near to those.
  • refused to cook just because everyone is making a big fuss about it.
  • likes my own pictures on Instagram using her brother's account because he has never liked them on his own.
  • wakes up late in the early afternoon and barely falls asleep at midnight.
  • does not like pink but dusty pink and rose gold are exceptional.
  • curls in bed doing nothing but think how her life is currently a total joke.
  • tries to dress more femininely, girl-like and shits as she grows older just to end up looking like a freaking troll wearing clothes.
  • has wall built up thicker when it comes to another girls compared to boys.
  • could be so heartless at times that it would make you think how could she be that heartless.
  • has a temper but soft-hearted.
  • tends to get more addicted to being alone with each time she gets declined by someone whom she actually wants to spend time with.
  • falls fast but rarely deep which is a good thing because whenever she falls deep, it's over for her.
  • gets happy over little things such as a random text, or even when someone gets her a tissue without being asked.
  • cries too much that she would feel so tired and her heart feels numb.
  • is up for adventures but only when it comes to the right persons.
  • gets attached to people without realising it, either she shows it or not.
  • tries to overcome her sadness with fangirling.
  • people would hate and get annoyed of.
  • prefers young Salman Khan compared to Shah Rukh Khan.
  • gets trembling whenever she drinks caffeine because she rarely drinks coffee.
  • could never memorise lyrics of one whole song even when it's her own favourite song.
  • has random thoughts from time to time.
  • listens to every genre, every song, could be Kpop Jrock or even Hindustan songs as long as her ears find them nice.
  • prefers tanned guys than the fair ones.
  • likes things or someone that she knows she couldn't have.
  • does not have her very own slippers at home because she barely be home.
  • could sit in the car for hours doing nothing but listens to her CDs.
  • tweets too much that she herself gets annoyed of it.
  • prefers car dates rather than going to cinemas or the malls.
  • does not like kids and sometimes finds them scary.
  • does not really know how to use chopsticks but still uses them to eat instant noodles.
  • prefers not to sleep on a pillow because she would use it to cover her face instead.
  • sleeps with blanket no matter how hot it is.
  • buries her nose in books or a pillow whenever things get too difficult.
  • could throw tantrums or burst out crying whenever she craves for foods.
  • wants to success in life but never works hard enough to gain it.
  • could barely open her mouth to a stranger but talks non-stop once she gets comfortable.
  • is a VIP til whenever.
  • wears earphones when she's out in the world just to keep her self safe and sane.
  • does not know her own self-worth.
  • has been ruined by Park Seo Joon.
  • used to write when she's happy but not anymore because sadness has become her only inspiration now.
  • tells the same story from time to time.
  • rebels to her family.
  • you wouldn't want to ever involve with.
  • mothers won't approve of.
  • you do not want in your life, ever.

Image result for hwarang sunwoo gif

Thursday, February 2, 2017


I have never been a people person. I have always been afraid of meeting one. Even when it comes to some regular friends of mine, I would still have something stirs up in me and I can't say if it's a good thing or nay.

Is that even healthy?

Nervous. I feel nervous almost all the time. I truly can't decide which one is better; the nervousness of meeting someone new or the nervousness of meeting someone whom you haven't met after a long time. I have always felt nervous for either way around. Should I feel nervous? Is it okay to be nervous? Am I the only one who feels this way? Does anybody else feel the same way too? Do you?

I have never thought about this until a few days ago.

Everything was so sudden. Before did I know, I would be meeting someone whom I haven't met for at least 5 years. Well, frankly speaking I thought it took longer than that. But still, I'm excited and nervous right now. And I can literally feel that nervous has overpowered the other feeling haih. I need to freaking calm down.

I hope the meet up would go smoothly.

Image result for kang daesung gif

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

10 Things That I Thank Afiqah Syazwani

1. Thank you for being my private cook, for cooking me fried rice because you knew I loved it and even illegally ride a motorcycle to send the food to me as I was busy being sick in bed.

2. Thank you for buying me Dunkin Donuts when I was craving for them so bad even though you, Atulai and Syera ate them all as you guys were too scared to ask me to come down because I was in a very bad mood that time. The thought still counts *wink*

3. Thank you for listening to me ranting about my Kpop and Jpop shits and even watched the video of Kamenashi Kazuya flipped his shirt opened eh hahaha.

4. Thank you for giving me tissues and foods when I cried my eyes out as I had my heart shattered into pieces.

5. Thank you for always getting mad and cursing people on my behalf whenever I was too numb or sad to do so. This attitude of yours always managed to ease me a bit.

6. Thank you for calling me from time to time because I suck at keeping in touch with people and getting your calls (although you cried most of the times but it's fine since we usually ended up crying together) warms my heart.

7. Thank you for turning me into a gaaaaaay because fuck it girl I bought you flowers what the hell?

8. Thank you for watching Gokusen and actually fangirled over it, you have no idea how much it means to me.

9. Remember that one time when I pulled over at the roadside just to call you and cried? Yeah thank you for being the first girlfriend that made me opened up that much. I've never called a girlfriend just to cry my heart out. It still feels weird to have a girlfriend whom I could pour my heart out this much and it scares the shit out of me but I'll try to adapt to it.

10. Thank you for simply existing and staying despite all the curses and harsh words I threw to you.

If I had to list everything that I want and should thank you, it would take years. Keep being yourself, there's nothing I would want you to change (other than that stupid diet shit of course). Happy belated birthday, girl.