Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Another day

She’s trembling.

She’s hurt.

She’s desperate.

“Breathe. Remember to breathe”, she kept on repeating that sentence while the truth was she had forgotten the way. She needed fresh air as bad as a baby goldfish wriggled for water on a dry surface. “Breathe, please.” She needed to breathe, for the sake of herself and also her sanity. She was losing it. Her brain was losing it. Car key was grabbed hurriedly. She rushed towards her car- her safety capsule, her cocoon, her bubble. She got into her car, started the engine and played her CD. It was that song. That song was busting through the speakers on repeat as her tears rolled down her cheeks, unstoppable. She had her forehead laid against the steering and sobbed her heart out. One hand was clutching her heart, demanding its pain to fade.

Head raised. She felt better.

It was wonderful how the song worked on her. The song- it could shatter her heart but somehow mend it at the very same time. She didn’t really understand that herself, but she loved the magic it had on her. It was like a poison that could kill you first before it saved you. She calmed down. She was finally at ease. But she needed to figure her mind out- that overloaded mind in that empty soul. It was dangerous, and maddening. More or less, she was still hungry after fresh air and her safety bubble did not have that provided for her so she had to go out. The driving was done absent-mindedly, it was a miracle she didn’t hit anyone. Arrived somewhere, the car park was almost full. She found a spot, parked her car and went out. She went out. Went out into the world. Went out into defensive mode. Went out with a mask on.

Stood straight. Fists clenching. Fear came.

She had never done this before, going out all alone at late night. “It’s fine. I’m going to be fine,” she walked lazily passing over strangers and finally sat on an empty bench at the park. Her head was down. Her eyes were fixed on her fingers. “Don’t. Don’t do it. You will be okay again,” she bit her lower lip. Hard. The pain was nothing. She wanted to hurt herself. She suddenly felt numb after the pain she suffered earlier. Did she feel numb or she had come to desire the pain? She did not know. Both of her hands were locked together. She didn’t trust herself not to do it. She just couldn’t. She didn’t want to do it- to call someone begging for comfort just because he had that in him. She’s desperate, yes. But she was trying hard not to downgrade herself that much. A sob came, she held it in. “You will endure this and you will survive,” she talked herself into it. She actually begged herself. Eyes were closed for a while, trying to conceal the pain deep in her soul. Eyes opened. Chin lifted. She’s fine now. She believed she was. The cold night wind touched her face softly as it was trying to wipe away her tears and comfort her troubled heart. It worked. She was not totally healed, but she’s moving ahead. She would be fine. She knew she would. She had to.

So she did. She didn’t call him. She survived another day without him.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I am the kind of girl who...

  • gets hungry all the time but gets full easily.
  • could be in her room for one whole week without going out at all.
  • people would assume all sugar and nice when the truth is she's nothing near to those.
  • refused to cook just because everyone is making a big fuss about it.
  • likes my own pictures on Instagram using her brother's account because he has never liked them on his own.
  • wakes up late in the early afternoon and barely falls asleep at midnight.
  • does not like pink but dusty pink and rose gold are exceptional.
  • curls in bed doing nothing but think how her life is currently a total joke.
  • tries to dress more femininely, girl-like and shits as she grows older just to end up looking like a freaking troll wearing clothes.
  • has wall built up thicker when it comes to another girls compared to boys.
  • could be so heartless at times that it would make you think how could she be that heartless.
  • has a temper but soft-hearted.
  • tends to get more addicted to being alone with each time she gets declined by someone whom she actually wants to spend time with.
  • falls fast but rarely deep which is a good thing because whenever she falls deep, it's over for her.
  • gets happy over little things such as a random text, or even when someone gets her a tissue without being asked.
  • cries too much that she would feel so tired and her heart feels numb.
  • is up for adventures but only when it comes to the right persons.
  • gets attached to people without realising it, either she shows it or not.
  • tries to overcome her sadness with fangirling.
  • people would hate and get annoyed of.
  • prefers young Salman Khan compared to Shah Rukh Khan.
  • gets trembling whenever she drinks caffeine because she rarely drinks coffee.
  • could never memorise lyrics of one whole song even when it's her own favourite song.
  • has random thoughts from time to time.
  • listens to every genre, every song, could be Kpop Jrock or even Hindustan songs as long as her ears find them nice.
  • prefers tanned guys than the fair ones.
  • likes things or someone that she knows she couldn't have.
  • does not have her very own slippers at home because she barely be home.
  • could sit in the car for hours doing nothing but listens to her CDs.
  • tweets too much that she herself gets annoyed of it.
  • prefers car dates rather than going to cinemas or the malls.
  • does not like kids and sometimes finds them scary.
  • does not really know how to use chopsticks but still uses them to eat instant noodles.
  • prefers not to sleep on a pillow because she would use it to cover her face instead.
  • sleeps with blanket no matter how hot it is.
  • buries her nose in books or a pillow whenever things get too difficult.
  • could throw tantrums or burst out crying whenever she craves for foods.
  • wants to success in life but never works hard enough to gain it.
  • could barely open her mouth to a stranger but talks non-stop once she gets comfortable.
  • is a VIP til whenever.
  • wears earphones when she's out in the world just to keep her self safe and sane.
  • does not know her own self-worth.
  • has been ruined by Park Seo Joon.
  • used to write when she's happy but not anymore because sadness has become her only inspiration now.
  • tells the same story from time to time.
  • rebels to her family.
  • you wouldn't want to ever involve with.
  • mothers won't approve of.
  • you do not want in your life, ever.

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Thursday, February 2, 2017


I have never been a people person. I have always been afraid of meeting one. Even when it comes to some regular friends of mine, I would still have something stirs up in me and I can't say if it's a good thing or nay.

Is that even healthy?

Nervous. I feel nervous almost all the time. I truly can't decide which one is better; the nervousness of meeting someone new or the nervousness of meeting someone whom you haven't met after a long time. I have always felt nervous for either way around. Should I feel nervous? Is it okay to be nervous? Am I the only one who feels this way? Does anybody else feel the same way too? Do you?

I have never thought about this until a few days ago.

Everything was so sudden. Before did I know, I would be meeting someone whom I haven't met for at least 5 years. Well, frankly speaking I thought it took longer than that. But still, I'm excited and nervous right now. And I can literally feel that nervous has overpowered the other feeling haih. I need to freaking calm down.

I hope the meet up would go smoothly.

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