Sayonara arigatou, 2016.

Two zero one six, what have you done to me?

It's new year's eve here in Malaysia so it is the time for me to write this shit. You know what's funny? My mind has suddenly gone all blank urgh I hate my life *flip table*

If you asked me which year has scarred me the most, 2015 or 2016, I don't think I could give you the answer. But if you asked me which year that I want to forget, it's 2016. 2016 has been... kinda nice. It is neither the worst nor the best year I've ever had so far but somehow for some reasons, it is the year which has wounded me the most. In other words, the year which has scarred me the best. My mind has started to wander around the moment I write this *sigh*

This year has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been ups, but they were only for a very short time so usually I would be screaming and being down. Frankly speaking, I don't like myself in 2016. That person is not me, I'm not being myself. Oh well, I'm using present tense because I'm still in 2016 as I'm writing this piece of emotional shit. I've been down mostly, acting bitter to everything and being a jerk to everyone. It's tiring, but I can't help myself and I feel bad about it. As I think about this again, I think 2016 is the year when I've come out from my comfort zone; I've dealt with my breakup after being in a 4-year relationship, I've met someone else and fell so deep within a very short time just to get broken again, I've dealt with kids during my practicum, I've actually gone to Skytrex (it's a freaking big deal for me so shut up), I've had conflicts with my dearest friends, and I've jumped into a whole new environment. Gotta say goodbye to my comfort zone, I guess. Maybe it is good to feel this way as my lecturer once said "The best way to improve yourself is to get out from your comfort zone". So I do think I have been doing well although most of the times I would feel like giving up on life. Life is so full of mysterious things and it will never be easy on us so don't bother to wish for an easy life lol.

Does 2016 have matured me? Absolutely yes. Even though if it's only 10%.

But still, let's pretend as I did not experience 2016 so I could act as all the hurtful events which happened, didn't actually happen; people who came barging in into my life and told me that I got them just to leave me hanging later didn't really ever come at all; and all the stupid decisions that I regret so much were not seriously made. Bruised, scarred, and wounded, I still survive. I'm surprised that I'm not moping right now, mourning about my life- but that's a good thing, right? Even though there will be times when I would curl in my bed and cry for hours just because I've entertained my negative thoughts, I still survive. I still can go out and smile and laugh with other people. And there are times when I would feel content, and I'm satisfied with that. It feels nice. And comforting.

So let's forget about 2016 and move on.

Everyone, I wish a happy new year and pray for all the good things to find their ways to you. For me myself and I, I hope that you've learned things in a hard way. I hope you won't let the history to happen again. I hope you've had enough. I hope you'll be a better me. I hope you forget everything that wounded you in 2016. I hope you'll be strong enough to get through another year. I hope you'll survive again.

Til then, see ya in 2017.

Monologue

I have always wondered, what does it feel like to be a people person? To be easy in building bonds with people, to be nice to others without having to fake a shit, to be natural in interacting with them?

Frankly speaking, I really can't tell if I am an introvert, extrovert or both but I have always seen myself as an introvert. I prefer to be alone in my very own space, thinking uninvited thoughts on my own that sometimes I would be thinking too loud that I don't realise it's actually really quiet in reality. But there will be times when I would think that the silence is too loud that I am desperate to get out from the situation by hook or by crook, even if I have to talk to myself, I would do that. I want to be alone whenever I have people around me but will crave for a companion whenever I'm not. It's frustrating, because I usually long for people who don't want to be with me. And I found myself tend to get more addicted to being alone whenever I get turned down by people whom I actually want to spend time with. It's pathetic, isn't?

Maybe that is why I love to observe people.

I always spend my time observing people, no matter where I am. I would be looking here and there, watching them moving their hands, lips, eyes, hands, and feet. Their body gestures and everything, I usually find them fascinating and get mesmerised. Isn't it weird how one could feel happy just by having their eyes on others, looking every moves made? Isn't it? Somehow, the feeling is indescribably beautiful.

God, I have strayed from the real point.

People persons- I have always found them amazing. And simply annoying sometimes (because some of them are really annoying, I swear). As I think about them, I would question myself how do they do it? Being nice to others, simply click to strangers just in a blink of an eye. How? I tried to be nice to strangers, to act like I am nothing but nice despite the facts that I don't like to meet new people and awkward as fuck. But of course I failed to do so. It didn't feel right every time I tried to, it felt like I was pretending and only vomiting lies to them. Those people did not deserve that. They deserved someone who was sincere, who truly wanted to meet them, to make friends with them and actually wanted to build bonds with them. And that someone wasn't me.

So, how? How to be kind? How to be nice from the heart?

Confession #16

I feel sad most of the times and whenever I do, I tend to feel the need of listening to certain people's voices to make me feel at ease again, as both of my baes' voices. Or my ex-bae. Or my ex-boyfriend.

"It's beautiful how some people can make us feel happy even at the times when we don't believe in happiness anymore"

- Anonymous

People would simply question me this- "Gurlllll, what's the need of having men in your life? why don't you just call your parents? Talking to your parents will help". No, thank you. Of course it is a fact that talking to parents will absolutely help, I won't deny it, but nope, I was not raised that way. My parents have raised me in the hard way, they don't entertain these petty stuff running through their lil girl's mind. I don't come from that kind of family which talks about everything to each other. Please understand that I'm not saying it in a bad way, I'm just explaining why I prefer not to talk to them whenever I feel sad or emotional or depressed.

True, whenever I feel sad or emotional or even depressed, the tendency for me to cry is high. And my mom's voice will always be the trigger. Every single time I call my mom whenever I'm not in a good condition, I can barely wait until she has finished her first word before I start to crack. Her voice is my weakness and I do realise that having my mom listening to me crying, it's not a good idea. I honestly feel like a loser every time I do so, I want to act all tough and strong in front of my parents. That's one of their expectations on me; to keep on staying strong no matter what. Plus, I will only make her worries about me if I tell her the truth. I can't do that to her, I don't have the heart to do that to her. There were times when I couldn't keep my feelings anymore and I burst rightaway once I heard her voice and she sounded so worried after that, I felt bad for it. I didn't mean to make her felt that way. It's hard enough for my parents having me as their child, I should not give them more hard times to deal with. That's why I always choose not to say anything to my parents.

That is why I need my baes.

P/s: Remember when I said I didn't have one true girlfriend? I think I've found one now *wink*

Girlfriend

Never thought I would be saying this- I wish I had a girl bestfriend.

One girl bestfriend who you could tell everything to.

One girl bestfriend who would be real to you.

One girl bestfriend who wouldn't put up an act in front of you.

One girl bestfriend who would support you and correct you when you did wrong.

One girl bestfriend who wouldn't talk or meet you everyday but would always be there for you.

One girl bestfriend who would never get sick of you.

One girl bestfriend who wouldn't tell you that everything's going to be fine because it's not.

One girl bestfriend who would make you felt like you two only belonged to each other.

Only one.

Just one.

I wish I had that one girl bestfriend just like Sloane to Emily, Kelsey to Bliss, Hermione to Ginny, Nad to Izz, Lily Aldrin to Robin Scherbatsky.

I used to have girl bestfriends when I was in primary school whom we would be having sleepovers at each other's houses and stayed up talking about boyfriends and stuff, or ended up talking for hours on the phone whenever we didn't have a sleepover although it's actually on school nights. Yeah believe it or not I used to do that up until I was in high school (with different person of course) but somehow it suddenly stopped.

It stopped because the feeling wasn’t mutual. I let them go.

It had never occurred to me that I would be missing them, or hoping that I could be spending my time with them again as I had always been occupied with my guy bestfriends. I had always thought that these two guys would be enough for me but as I got older and days passed, I had started to have deep thoughts about this matter and crave for a presence of someone whom I'd never really had.

The thought is stronger than ever now as I'm at the lowest level of myself.

I do have numbers of few close girlfriends but it doesn't feel like it. Yes we are close to each other but we are so different and the different somehow infuriates me. To be honest it's not the different that irritates me, the person is. It's the kind of different which one doesn't bother to know. Like you have this one interest but the other person does not feel the same way and she doesn't bother to listen to your rant. Sometimes I feel sad especially because I don't really have anybody to rant about my Jpop addiction. You can tell when one wants to listen to your rant or nope. It felt like I had been torturing them with my fandom shits just from the looks they had on their faces so I would try my best to not talk too much about my fandoms.

Is it too much to ask to have someone who would listen to me fangirling?

On the other hand, I do think it's better for me to not have any girl bestfriend lol. I get annoyed so easily when it comes to girls and sometimes I cannot handle their dramas. And frankly speaking, I get oversensitive when I become friend with girls. That's why I've been so comfortable with my baes (I call my guy bestfriends 'baes' because they are baes). Guys have less dramas so the only one who would be coming up with the drama is me. And I would be less sensitive whenever I'm with guys. They have no choice but to entertain me that I have to admit that I actually sympathise them from time to time lol. I am actually my baes' favourite nightmare which they have to love unconditionally no matter what- even though sometimes they forget the fact that I'm a girl.

Yep, for them I’m their ‘bro’ but they still act all protective over me *sigh dreamily*

One more reason why I’m better off without a girl bestfriend- I constantly want to shut down. There’s this one girl who has always been so thoughtful of her friends that sometimes it annoys me as she keeps on bugging me to talk when I actually don’t feel like talking at all. I just want to shut down and get drowned in my own thoughts but she just doesn’t get it. I swear there were times when I would get pissed lol. Aaaand she is not interested in my love life or anything that interests me so yeah, the bond is so fragile. The chemistry is not really there. So I am treating her the same way by putting limit on us. She’s fine, but she is totally not the one whom I’ve been longing for.

Know what, too bad I can't have physical contacts with my baes.

So there's another reason why I have been longing for a girl bestfriend nowadays- to hug and slap them whenever I feel like doing so. Nah I'm just kidding but yeah I'm a hug person, of course I want to hug my favourite people especially after not seeing them for awhile. And sure, I am in need of a girl's perspective in heartbreaks looooool what the fuck am I talking about, I'm high okay this must be caused by the caffeine I consumed just now. Gotta stop now, I'm out! *drop mic*

Wait a minute.

Please appreciate it if you're a girl and you have a real girl bestfriend because I envy you for that even when I know I don’t deserve to have one I am actually better off without having one.

I am Sawada Shin

Have you ever watched the first season of Gokusen?

If you watch Gokusen and a true fan of this series, you would remember there is an episode which Sawada Shin (Matsumoto Jun) punched someone because he had an inner conflict. He got accepted in two universities while some of his friends weren't placed anywhere and they kept telling him how lucky he was for being a brilliant kid and shits. He could not help himself but got irritated and punched the one who said it. Everyone was shocked because usually, Sawada was the peace-maker in the group, he would be the one who calmed everyone down but he really lost it this time. Later on, he explained it why he did it to Yankumi (the teacher). He was jealous of his friends. Not because his friends didn't get accepted anywhere which meant they didn't have to further their studies, but because his friends had goals. Every single one of his friends had their mind set on a goal. They had been talking about their ambitions and goals and was determined to achieve them. They had clear visions of their own goals, but not him. He got accepted into two infamous universities but he did not know what he really wanted to do in his life. He didn't have a goal like his friends. He envied them for that.

And I feel the same way.

I really don't know what to do in my life. Other than getting a degree, I don't really have a goal. I do have a goal like buying my parents a car and a house and having a room of my own but I don't know what I am going to do in my life to achieve that. Am I going to be a teacher? I have never dreamed of being a teacher so I can't really tell. I don't see myself as a teacher- I have never liked kids and I am not good enough to teach people. I took TESL before because I wanted to be better in English and also because I looked highly of Mr. Azam, my high school teacher. Before we sat for SPM, everyone had to set their mind on their own paths. That was when I decided to take TESL. That was when I used to dream of furthering my studies in New Zealand, just like Mr. Azam did. Big dream, huh? But as I got older, the dream got fader. I had started to lose sight of my own dream so I was all lost again, walking to wherever my fate led me to.

Even now.

I'm taking TESOL, another programme under Education. Sometimes I have a thought of becoming a teacher but then again, I am not competent enough in English to teach people. I have always envied of my friends who are so good in English- especially with words. I barely read blogs nowadays as I am too busy to do so, but whenever I do, I will always hope there will be something written from them. Reading their blogs somehow can simply makes my day, even when I barely talk to them anymore. And also, reading their beautifully written blogs makes me feel smaller that I will constantly ask myself, "Giiiiirl, will you ever be this good?". I feel bad for downgrading myself but I guess that is the only thing that I'm good at.

And I will ask another question to myself, "will there be a day when you are confident enough of yourself?".

Sometimes I wish my life was a drama too so I could take a break and fly somewhere just to find myself as what Sawada Shin had done in the end. Too bad my life is just another harsh reality which I am forced to face.

But seriously, when will I ever get as pretty as Sawada Shin?! Look at his beauty! *ugly sobbing*

Officially Graduated.

I have officially graduated.

Officially a graduate from Kolej Universiti Poly-Tech MARA Kuala Lumpur in Diploma in Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL). Last Thursday, November 3rd 2016, was my convocation day. I didn't want to go at first because I had been busy with assignments and shits and it involved group assignments so I thought it would be bad if I ditched them.

But I did anyway, my parents insisted me to attend the ceremony.

I didn't go for the rehearsal. I only went for the real convocation day. To be honest, I didn't really know what to feel that day. Of course I was happy, I managed to meet my girlfriends who had been so important in my 3-years there. Too bad we did not have too much time spent together as everyone was so busy with their own families, including me.

But that's not what I want to say today.

People would be saying "Alah, diploma ja pun". To those people who have been shoving this shit up into others' faces, please go to hell. I know it's "diploma ja pun" but we still worked hard for it. we struggled day in, day out just to reach to this day. we did shits we never thought we would be doing just for the sake of this one "diploma ja pun" scroll. we shed tears and experienced pain.

we gained it, so what's your problem?

what is your problem to let people down by saying "diploma ja pun"? All of us diploma holders, we deserved to be happy about this. To enjoy our day after all the shitty things we have faced in those 3 years. Yeah we were not lucky enough like you to skip this phase and went straight to degree but at least we have another qualification and mind you, we didn't ask for your money to pay for our educations so what's the problem again? why are you acting so bitter about this?

Can you please drop the act already?

I still can't fathom why some people have to be so bitter about us diploma graduates being so happy of graduating. I mean, come on. Does your mindset still as low as that? I'm not butthurt or what but it feels so sad to see these types of people acting shitty to us. I know that the struggles in degree's life is incomparable to diploma's but do you really that stupid to compare these two levels? Seriously people, it is like comparing the struggles in PHD with the school kids' struggles. Everyone does have their own struggles, so don't be so bitter to others. Do you ever hear us say "Alah degree ja pun, bukannya graduate master or PHD lagi"? Do you ever? So why the fuck you gotta be so mean to us? Urgh I'm annoyed of myself for caring enough about this matter to actually make a post of it.

The story behind the balloon:

My mom wanted to get me a bouquet of flowers but I said no because I didn't really like flowers and those flowers were going to be all dead and dried up soon. Then she said I kinda looked pathetic since everyone else had flowers or bouquets but I was empty handed. I left my family for awhile and came back to this balloon. My mom actually apologised because she knew I would prefer chocolate bouquet but there's none sold there so she had to go with a balloon *dreamy sigh*

S.O.S

I have a friend who will be receiving her degree in two months but here I am, still adapting.

Sometimes I hate being me- I hate it when I could do nothing but to feel unnecessary feelings, to think those unnecessary thoughts or even to know unnecessary stuff. I hate that I could not do anything but to let myself feel, think and know those things. I hate that I am weak enough to let those things flow in me and end up drowning me that I have to struggle real hard just to make sure I could breathe perfectly fine. I mean, gdi can I please control those shits?

I know life won't spare you any mercy but He will.

It has been almost two months now since I entered my so called degree life. Two months and I am still adapting. Two months and I am still struggling. Two months and I still hate people. Two months and my self-esteem is still nowhere to be seen. Two months and I am still as passive as ever. Two months and my maturity is still the same. Two months and I still cry myself to sleep. Two months... and I have cried more than I did when I was in my first year of diploma.

I'm calling for an S.O.S here.

Fgs lah I am only studying in Penang which is only two hours away from home but this time feels so much worse than before. It has only been two months and everything has been so hectic for me. And for the fact that I hate people, it is not helping at all. I have been trying to be nice to everyone but ffs most of the English programme students here aren't liked by the others. I don't know what's their problem is but as much as I dislike people, I found it disturbing too. So yeah, being hated does not help me in adapting here.

Can people stop giving me reasons to hate them even more?

Have you ever been doing your life chores as normal as you would always have and out of the blue, you burst into tears? Before you realised it, you were sobbing like crazy and you couldn't stop that you literally had to beg yourself to stop as the tears kept on falling down your face and negative thoughts were pouring into your mind that you were completely drowned in them? I really can't tell if it's the stress, anxiety or depression but whatever it is, I don't like it even for a bit. This shit needs to be stopped. I am not strong enough to face more years being like this.

I gotta get stronger, I have to.

That day when I had mental breakdown, I texted someone hoping he could offer me some comforts as he usually did even when he didn't have the intention to do so. I told him that I was having a mental breakdown and how I still couldn't adapt to degree life just yet. His reply was, "Degree life is sure hard, don't complain too much.". I don't know if it's the truth in his words that hurt me or the fact that he actually said that, but those sentences stabbed me right through my heart. I am well aware that I am not the only one who's doing degree right now or having difficulties with it, but it's not like I am really complaining about it- it's more like I want to express this to someone because I can't keep it in my chest anymore. Some people just can't understand that. Well of course they won't understand especially when it comes to me because I myself can't understand myself either.

People and me myself drain the fuck out of me, I need a freaking break.

I Know.

I know some of us are sick.

I know some of us are tired of living.

I know some of us cry ourselves to sleep.

I know some of us are emotionally wrecked.

I know some of us cry whenever she's alone.

I know some of us almost give up with lives.

I know some of us are mentally and physically tired.

I do know.

I also know that all of us are still adapting.

I also know that all of us are struggling to survive.

I also know that all of us are strong enough to go through this.

I know, and you too.

You know that we will always be there with each other.

You know that even if we're not talking, we're still here.

You know that everyone actually feels the same way too.

You know that we can count on in each other.

So, please.

Please never doubt if I still remember you.

Please never doubt yourselves.

Please never doubt us.

Do know that I still think about us a lot and I miss MD as much as you guys do but I'm sorry for not saying or doing anything about it. It's just me. You guys are still in mind, I can assure you. I wish you guys all the happiness in the world, all the beautiful things you deserve. Let's fight on our journey together even when physically we are miles away.

Take care, cetans.

Demons

You have no idea of how many times I have tried so hard to keep everything at bay, to make sure all the negative vibes and the evil thoughts I have are buried so deep in myself. So deep that they can never get out even if they try to.

But I don't think I'm doing a good job at it.

Apparently, being nice is harder than it seems. Not that I am nice or anything but damn boy, who would guess that trying to restrain yourself from doing something demonic could be so hard that you just want to let it all out without bothering to bottle everything inside anymore.

The thought sounds tempting.

I've been keeping stuff to myself. I don't know yet if it's a good thing or not but nowadays I feel like there's no point of voicing out things that have been messing with my mind to other people. Of course it feels good to share it with people but I usually end up feeling like a freaking idiot. Which happens to be something tiring.

So I'm trying not to entertain my evil thoughts and the demons.

p/s: I hate that whenever I'm not writing I would have so many things drafting in mind but go blank whenever I'm actually writing.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever had this one person who once used to be everything to you, who once you loved like your life was depending on him/her, but now that you both got separated you couldn't help but felt nothing towards them? There weren't any deep feelings like those which you used to feel back then before everything got ruined and left you with... absolutely nothing. So you stood across them, you would look at them, talk to them, laugh with them, but there's not a single thing that could make you have all those feelings back. Not even one. Have you ever experienced that before?

Confession #15

I have been trying to figure myself out lately.

There were times when all I ever wanted to do was to shut down and kept distance from everyone that I didn't even bother to socialize with any human being- Why? Because I had too many things running in my mind but I didn't bother to share it with people.

There were times when I felt extremely sad that all I could do was grieving, crying and wept my tears away but I didn't want to spill it to anyone even though I knew they were right there, waiting for me to spill and would back me up no matter what- Why? Because talking about things that screw my mind would make things too real and I couldn't handle that, yet.

There were times when I felt the needs to talk to someone but at the very same time, I didn't want to talk to anyone- Why? Maybe because the ones who were there were not the ones who could give me the comfort that I craved for.

I am still trying to figure myself out; trying to answer the mysteries I have in me and the unsolved riddles. Life is complicated enough, and self being complicated too is not helping at all.

Confession #14

Three years ago when I first started studying in the college I studied at, which was a private college, I knew that my mother wasn't really agree with me on this because it was a private college where everyone could get in. She kept comparing me with her friends' children, telling stuff about their children studying in public universities and such.

It hurt.

It hurt to be compared like that, especially by someone who you love the most. But I kept telling myself everything was fine; I wasn't entering a private college because I was that stupid, I got a place in a public university but I didn't like the program I got so I chose not to go there. I kept telling myself that I had the options, I chose and proceeded with it. I actually had the options. For years and years I kept telling myself that, trying to make myself felt better when my mother brought this shit up.

Too bad I can't do that anymore.

I didn't get a place in any public universities today. I already saw that coming and been wanting to further my studies at the private college I went to before but when it actually happened, a part of me broke because I realise that I can't defend myself anymore after this. I can't tell myself that I actually have options. I can't comfort myself whenever my mother brings this shit up in the future which I am completely sure she would bring this up.

And another part of me shatters.

Book #2 : Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

"It is your blood in my veins 

tell me how I'm supposed to forget"

"she was a rose 

in the hands of those 

who had no intention 

of keeping her"

"the idea that 

we are so capable of love 

but 

still choose to be toxic"

"you have sadness living in places sadness shouldn’t live"

"the only reason you know you’re still alive is from the heaving of your chest"

"you are the faint line 

between faith and blindly waiting"

"how do you turns forest fire like me 

so soft i turn into running water"

"your name is 

the strongest positive and negative connotation 

in any language 

it either lights me up or  

leaves me aching for days"

"you were so distant 

i forgot you were there at all"

"don’t mistake 

salt for sugar  

if he wants to be with you  

he will  

it’s that simple"

"you were  

temptingly beautiful  

but  

stung when i got close"

"how can she love a man 

who is busy loving someone 

he can never get  

his hands on again."

"more than anythingi want to save youfrom myself"

"i didn’t leave because i stopped loving you 

i left because the longer i stayed 

the less i loved myself"

"i am a museum full of art 

but you had your eyes shut"

"love made the danger 

in you look like safety"

"you give and give till 

they pull everything out of you 

and leave you empty"

"i had to leave 

i was tired of allowing you 

to make me feel 

anything less than whole"

"the good thing about feeling in extremes is 

when i love i give them wings 

but perhaps that isn't 

such a good thing cause 

they always tend to leave 

and you should see me 

when my heart is broken 

i don’t grieve 

i shatter"

"i came all this way 

to give you all these things 

but you aren’t even looking"

"neither of us is happy 

but neither of us wants to leave 

so we keep breaking one another 

and calling it love"

"your voice 

alone 

drives me 

to tears"

"i don’t know why 

i split myself open 

for others knowing 

sewing myself up 

hurts this much 

afterward"

"people go 

but how 

they left 

always stays"

"the night after you left 

i woke up so broken 

the only place to put the pieces 

were the bags under my eyes"

"stay 

i whispered 

as you 

shut the door behind you"

"can someone explain that. how even when the love leaves. it doesn’t leave.how even when i am so past you. i am so helplessly brought back to you."

"he isn’t coming back 

whispered my head 

he has to 

sobbed my heart"

"i am losing parts of you like i lose eyelashes 

unknowingly and everywhere"

"you cannot leave 

and have me too 

i cannot exist in 

two places at once"

"13. do not beg for what does not want to stay. 

14. stop crying at some point."

"perhaps 

i don’t deserve 

nice things 

cause i am paying 

for sins i don’t 

remember"

"do not bother holding on to 

that thing that does not want you 

- you cannot make it stay"

"it is a part of the 

human experience to feel pain 

do not be afraid 

open yourself to it 

- evolving"

"loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself"

"do not look for healing 

at the feet of those 

who broke you"

"if you were born with 

the weakness to fall 

you were born with 

the strength to rise"

"i thank the universe 

for taking 

everything it has taken 

and giving to me 

everything it is giving 

- balance"

"there is a difference between 

someone telling you 

they love you and 

them actually 

loving you"

"sometimes 

the apology 

never comes 

when it is wanted 

and when it comes 

it is neither wanted 

nor needed 

- you are too late"

"you deserve to be 

completely found 

in your surroundings 

not lost within them"

"accept yourself 

as you were designed"

"i know it's hard 

believe me 

i know it feels like 

tomorrow will never come 

and today will be the most 

difficult day to get through 

but i swear you will get through 

the hurt will pass 

as it always does 

if you give it time and 

let it so let it 

go 

slowly 

like a broken promise 

let it go"

"you were a dragon long before 

he came around and said 

you could fly 

you will remain a dragon 

long after he’s left"

"if the hurt comes 

so will the happiness 

- be patient"

"i have 

what i have 

and i am happy 

i've lost 

what i've lost 

and i am 

still 

happy
- outlook"

"we are all born 

so beautiful the greatest tragedy is 

being convinced we are not"

"how you love yourself is 

how you teach others 

to love you"

"if you are not enough for yourself 

you will never be enough 

for someone else"

"of course i want to be successful
but i don't crave success for me
i need to be successful to gain
enough milk and honey
to help those around
me succeed"

 

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"i don’t know why i split myself open for others knowing sewing myself up hurts this much afterward""i don’t know why i split myself open for others knowing sewing myself up hurts this much afterward"