I am Sawada Shin

Have you ever watched the first season of Gokusen?

If you watch Gokusen and a true fan of this series, you would remember there is an episode which Sawada Shin (Matsumoto Jun) punched someone because he had an inner conflict. He got accepted in two universities while some of his friends weren't placed anywhere and they kept telling him how lucky he was for being a brilliant kid and shits. He could not help himself but got irritated and punched the one who said it. Everyone was shocked because usually, Sawada was the peace-maker in the group, he would be the one who calmed everyone down but he really lost it this time. Later on, he explained it why he did it to Yankumi (the teacher). He was jealous of his friends. Not because his friends didn't get accepted anywhere which meant they didn't have to further their studies, but because his friends had goals. Every single one of his friends had their mind set on a goal. They had been talking about their ambitions and goals and was determined to achieve them. They had clear visions of their own goals, but not him. He got accepted into two infamous universities but he did not know what he really wanted to do in his life. He didn't have a goal like his friends. He envied them for that.

And I feel the same way.

I really don't know what to do in my life. Other than getting a degree, I don't really have a goal. I do have a goal like buying my parents a car and a house and having a room of my own but I don't know what I am going to do in my life to achieve that. Am I going to be a teacher? I have never dreamed of being a teacher so I can't really tell. I don't see myself as a teacher- I have never liked kids and I am not good enough to teach people. I took TESL before because I wanted to be better in English and also because I looked highly of Mr. Azam, my high school teacher. Before we sat for SPM, everyone had to set their mind on their own paths. That was when I decided to take TESL. That was when I used to dream of furthering my studies in New Zealand, just like Mr. Azam did. Big dream, huh? But as I got older, the dream got fader. I had started to lose sight of my own dream so I was all lost again, walking to wherever my fate led me to.

Even now.

I'm taking TESOL, another programme under Education. Sometimes I have a thought of becoming a teacher but then again, I am not competent enough in English to teach people. I have always envied of my friends who are so good in English- especially with words. I barely read blogs nowadays as I am too busy to do so, but whenever I do, I will always hope there will be something written from them. Reading their blogs somehow can simply makes my day, even when I barely talk to them anymore. And also, reading their beautifully written blogs makes me feel smaller that I will constantly ask myself, "Giiiiirl, will you ever be this good?". I feel bad for downgrading myself but I guess that is the only thing that I'm good at.

And I will ask another question to myself, "will there be a day when you are confident enough of yourself?".

Sometimes I wish my life was a drama too so I could take a break and fly somewhere just to find myself as what Sawada Shin had done in the end. Too bad my life is just another harsh reality which I am forced to face.

But seriously, when will I ever get as pretty as Sawada Shin?! Look at his beauty! *ugly sobbing*