Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I Deserve You

So, I've found this on Twitter a few days ago and I swear reading this crushed every single thing that I have left in me but I keep on reading it again and again. I need a slap.

"Here are some things that took me a while to realize, the same thing that you should know. 
I think, perhaps, there is 100% chance that I am in love with you. 
And I deserve you. Honest to God, I do. I deserve your humour, your weird sense of humour that makes me helplessly smile and all happy inside. I deserve your ability to make me laugh out loud even when I don't even feel like smiling. 
I deserve your kind thoughts, your generousity and your passion. I deserve listening to you talks about the things that you love and the things that you hate. I deserve listening to the way you talk about the people you have met, the way you talk about the things that you find beautiful and the way you talk about love. And it amazes me each time you speak and I yearn to see the world as beautifully as you do. 
I deserve to be in your presence when you talk about your faith. When you talk about God and makes it seems like all my questions about life are always valid. I deserve your honesty in the things that you don't know and your humility in the things that you do. 
I deserve your love, unconditional and unwavering. Selfless and without any ulterior motive. I deserve to be loved by you. 
I deserve you. 
But here's the catch, the part where I don't think you understand and the part where I hate to admit. 
You don't deserve me. 
You don't deserve my insecurities and my constant anxiety of whether I am ever going to be good enough. You do not deserve my perpetual fear of being in my own skin. You do not deserve my violent mood swings and panic attacks. Or how I shut the world out whenever I feel like the whole world is against me. And you certainly do not deserve my temper, my anger and all my pent-up rage. 
You do not deserve my hypocrisy, how I judge people for judging me. How I expect the world to treat me fairly when I refuse to ever see the world as fair. How I demand respect and attention, but all for the wrong reasons, using all the wrong ways. 
You do not deserve how I will always hurt the people that I love, and the people who are foolish enough to love me. You do not deserve how I will always push you away and how I am constantly afraid of the idea of you leaving. You do not deserve the fact that I am so afraid of getting attached because I am constantly entertaining the thought that one day, slowly but surely, you will fall for someone else. 
You don't deserve me because you deserve someone much, much better. 
So please understand why I walked away. Because it doesn't kill me as much, not being with someone I love. What will truly and surely kill me is the thought that I let you be with me when you deserve something much more. 
I walk away because nobody warned you that when you meet someone like me for the first time, you should have trusted your first instinct....
And run."

Credit to @bukhariawesome

Confession #11

I am lost.

Lost in myself. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in this world which is full of crowd. But the worst of all is, I think I have lost me.

Why? Well, I have number of reasons. I guess.

First of all, my freaking love life. I dumped someone who used to be my everything. Who was there for me through ups and downs and still there for me when I was at my worst. I did appreciate everything he had done for me but I was too broken to fix my own self. He was there, but I didn't know where his heart was. He was there, but I was taken for granted. I had seen how he loved someone else before me, and I knew that he could never look at me the way he looked at her. It was heartbreaking to love someone whom you knew was not giving all of him to you. Plus, I was not in the shape of loving myself, do you think I would have a heart to let him love someone as screwed up as me?

So that is one
Secondly, future scares the shit out of me. I have just finished my diploma and still waiting for my final results. Of course I am freaking out /sigh/ I had applied to some local universities and the main programs I'd applied to would require interviews. Guess what? I did not get the interviews. Out of four interviews, I only got one which I am pretty sure I just screwed it up. Hell, I even cried after the interview. Twice. Lol. I don't even sure why did I cry. Maybe because I was too shocked that the interview didn't go as well as I thought it would be but He has His plans, aye?

So that makes them two.

All in all, I have too many thoughts in my mind and I can't help myself from entertaining all the negative ones. I try to dodge them but it only makes things worse. I hate it. And I hate it when I feel vulnerable of people whom I let in; whom I know that they can walk out from my life once they realise that I am too much to handle with, that I am too fucked up to be fixed. I can't blame them, really. As I said- I myself can't even love me, how am I supposed to let you love me?

"Take away the sugar-coated comfort, 
Tonight, I'll be crooked"

Saturday, May 21, 2016

End of Practicum

First of all, I'm sorry there will be no pictures included in this post. If you want to see some pictures of my practicum, feel free to visit my instagram. And I am telling this to no one /sigh/ okat let's shoot.

It was terribly hectic.

I got in at SK Ampang Campuran, a school of my own choice since it was the closest one to my hostel. The practicum was only for 4 months so my rommates and I decided to stay at our beloved Institut Maxisegar Plaza Pandan (it was our hostel, if you didn't know). The school accepted 10 practicum teachers from KUPTM and I only friend with three of them, knew but never talked to two people and didn't even know the existence of the rest of the mates.

10 people; 1 boy with 9 girls.
3 for morning session, 7 for the evening session.

I was in the evening session together with Zakiah, Alya, Afham, Annisa, Husna and Fira. It was a good thing that I managed to stick with Zakiah. At first, I was given 3 Harapan with no mentor so I had to consult with Zakiah's mentor. Mentor is the original teacher of the class. She/He would be the one who guides you in everything during your practicum. Oh, did I mention that 3 Harapan was the sixth class out of six? Yep, I got the last class. It was fine. There weren't many of them and the students were nice. All of them were LINUS students. LINUS students are students who are slower than their peers. In my case, they couldn't even read English words. They didn't even know how to say days in English. Zero. They knew nothing. Some of them could barely write. I won't lie saying that I didn't freak out. Because I did. Of course I freaked out because how was I going to teach during observations if they were like this? I would be fine if it was not because of the observations. The students were really nice, it was just that they were slow.

Is that a noble thing for me to say?

Luckily, the school decided to change the classes. I got 3 Bestari but since Zakiah taught that class before, I changed with her because I didn't want to be compared with Zakiah later. I mean, Zakiah is good and pretty and all, listening to the kids comparing me with her would kill me lol. So, we changed. I got 3 Cemerlang. It was the third class but their behaviours were worse than the students in 3 Harapan. The first week I entered the class, they were fine because I was acting all strict. The next week I tried a softer method and they were still good. But later.... the end of the good days. For the first month of my practicum days, I had migraine and headache for the whole month. No kidding. I'm a hot-tempered person, remember? I tried everything to make them well-behaved again but failed. Half of the class couldn't be control anymore. They were nice kids but when it came to learning, they couldn't sit still. They didn't focus. They didn't even do their homeworks. Okaylah, not everyone but half of the class. The thing I hated the most was there were no guilty feelings shown on their faces when they did something wrong. They were smiling liked it was nothing.

The urge to slap their faces was so great......

The first observation by my supervisor was fine. Alhamdulillah, I reached my target. Out of 10, 8 of us had the same supervisor. He was nice but he was so quiet that we always wondered what was he thinking. He told me what did I do wrong, what did I need to improve. I was so glad once I knew the marks because I taught I did bad since the students didn't behave. I repeat, they didn't behave. Some of them didn't complete their tasks even when I already secretly gave them the answers. Some of them even walked around during the class and refused to go back to their places. I had to actually blackmail them for them to listen. I almost burst into tears once I was done but thank God it was fine. Our supervisor had been supervising practicum teachers at that school for years so he understood well how the students at the school were. He used the word 'weird' because there was a permanent teacher sitting together with us in the room.

Lol sir lol.

I thought I did worse for my second observation. I was sick that day. I had sorethroat so I was coughing since the beginning of the class to the end and my voice was barely heard. Thank God the students behaved themselves this time. Actually, I bribed them with foods so yeah that worked well. But they were so behaved, so quiet that I felt.... so awkward? It was awkward. So after 10 minutes, I was like "Fuck it. I don't care anymore." and I started teaching as usual, as I did on any other days. I even laid back against the whiteboard lol. Luckily I was wise enough not to sit on the table because I used to do that too. I had improvements, that was what my supervisor told me. So I was pleased. But still sick.

But I ruined my observation with my mentor. Not gonna tell about it because I'm too lazy to do so.

For other schools, they were busy at the beginning of the practicum. But for us, we started to get busy at the very last month of the practicum. Out of sudden, we got projects. Loads of them; 1) English boards in the Cyber room, 2) Mural with map, 3) Paint a room, 4) Processing books in the library, 5) Paint the flag pole, and 6) Mural on the library wall. All these in one month. Wow. I almost cried because we only had a month. But we did it! With some fights against two bastards, we managed to get everything done. Except for the last mural. We started 4 days before we ended our practicum so we didn't really have much time but it was 80% finished.

The teacher didn't blame us woohoooo!

Half of the teachers was kind, the other half was not. I don't want to talk about it. Okay, so the last day of my practicum, we had a farewell party. My students didn't know I would throw them one so they were shocked when I entered the class with food. It was spaghetti carbonara, Alya and Zakiah prepared them for me. Well, I can cook nothing so don't date me /roll eyes/. My boys sang two songs for me. I could do nothing but laugh. Suddenly, two of the boys started to cry and one girl cried too. Later when I realised, half of the class was already crying. And I was still laughing. I kept asking "Why are you guys crying? I'm not crying." and of course they cried harder. I didn't know what to do. I don't even like kids hahaha so I kept going to one by one and patted them on their backs and hugged them. That was the least I could do.

I received flowers and letters. It was nice.

To be honest, being a teacher is not all bad. It is good actually. But not when your students decide to go against you and talk back to you like you are nothing. Like they have no respects to you. Not when you are facing those kinds of shits. It was one hell of practicum but it was fun. It changed me.

Goodbye for now.

Monday, May 16, 2016

URL changed.

Since I need to grow up, I have decided to change my url:


See ya!