Saturday, December 31, 2016

Sayonara arigatou, 2016.

Two zero one six, what have you done to me?

It's new year's eve here in Malaysia so it is the time for me to write this shit. You know what's funny? My mind has suddenly gone all blank urgh I hate my life *flip table*

If you asked me which year has scarred me the most, 2015 or 2016, I don't think I could give you the answer. But if you asked me which year that I want to forget, it's 2016. 2016 has been... kinda nice. It is neither the worst nor the best year I've ever had so far but somehow for some reasons, it is the year which has wounded me the most. In other words, the year which has scarred me the best. My mind has started to wander around the moment I write this *sigh*

This year has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been ups, but they were only for a very short time so usually I would be screaming and being down. Frankly speaking, I don't like myself in 2016. That person is not me, I'm not being myself. Oh well, I'm using present tense because I'm still in 2016 as I'm writing this piece of emotional shit. I've been down mostly, acting bitter to everything and being a jerk to everyone. It's tiring, but I can't help myself and I feel bad about it. As I think about this again, I think 2016 is the year when I've come out from my comfort zone; I've dealt with my breakup after being in a 4-year relationship, I've met someone else and fell so deep within a very short time just to get broken again, I've dealt with kids during my practicum, I've actually gone to Skytrex (it's a freaking big deal for me so shut up), I've had conflicts with my dearest friends, and I've jumped into a whole new environment. Gotta say goodbye to my comfort zone, I guess. Maybe it is good to feel this way as my lecturer once said "The best way to improve yourself is to get out from your comfort zone". So I do think I have been doing well although most of the times I would feel like giving up on life. Life is so full of mysterious things and it will never be easy on us so don't bother to wish for an easy life lol.

Does 2016 have matured me? Absolutely yes. Even though if it's only 10%.

But still, let's pretend as I did not experience 2016 so I could act as all the hurtful events which happened, didn't actually happen; people who came barging in into my life and told me that I got them just to leave me hanging later didn't really ever come at all; and all the stupid decisions that I regret so much were not seriously made. Bruised, scarred, and wounded, I still survive. I'm surprised that I'm not moping right now, mourning about my life- but that's a good thing, right? Even though there will be times when I would curl in my bed and cry for hours just because I've entertained my negative thoughts, I still survive. I still can go out and smile and laugh with other people. And there are times when I would feel content, and I'm satisfied with that. It feels nice. And comforting.

So let's forget about 2016 and move on.

Everyone, I wish a happy new year and pray for all the good things to find their ways to you. For me myself and I, I hope that you've learned things in a hard way. I hope you won't let the history to happen again. I hope you've had enough. I hope you'll be a better me. I hope you forget everything that wounded you in 2016. I hope you'll be strong enough to get through another year. I hope you'll survive again.

Til then, see ya in 2017.

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Sunday, December 25, 2016


I have always wondered, what does it feel like to be a people person? To be easy in building bonds with people, to be nice to others without having to fake a shit, to be natural in interacting with them?

Frankly speaking, I really can't tell if I am an introvert, extrovert or both but I have always seen myself as an introvert. I prefer to be alone in my very own space, thinking uninvited thoughts on my own that sometimes I would be thinking too loud that I don't realise it's actually really quiet in reality. But there will be times when I would think that the silence is too loud that I am desperate to get out from the situation by hook or by crook, even if I have to talk to myself, I would do that. I want to be alone whenever I have people around me but will crave for a companion whenever I'm not. It's frustrating, because I usually long for people who don't want to be with me. And I found myself tend to get more addicted to being alone whenever I get turned down by people whom I actually want to spend time with. It's pathetic, isn't?

Maybe that is why I love to observe people.

I always spend my time observing people, no matter where I am. I would be looking here and there, watching them moving their hands, lips, eyes, hands, and feet. Their body gestures and everything, I usually find them fascinating and get mesmerised. Isn't it weird how one could feel happy just by having their eyes on others, looking every moves made? Isn't it? Somehow, the feeling is indescribably beautiful.

God, I have strayed from the real point.

People persons- I have always found them amazing. And simply annoying sometimes (because some of them are really annoying, I swear). As I think about them, I would question myself how do they do it? Being nice to others, simply click to strangers just in a blink of an eye. How? I tried to be nice to strangers, to act like I am nothing but nice despite the facts that I don't like to meet new people and awkward as fuck. But of course I failed to do so. It didn't feel right every time I tried to, it felt like I was pretending and only vomiting lies to them. Those people did not deserve that. They deserved someone who was sincere, who truly wanted to meet them, to make friends with them and actually wanted to build bonds with them. And that someone wasn't me.

So, how? How to be kind? How to be nice from the heart?

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