Miserable At Its Best

2018 has not been good so far.

It is only almost March but I already feel like giving up. I did not do well in my exams. Well, some of them yeah but half of them was shitty. I can’t complain about it, I didn’t work hard enough thus I don’t have the right to cry for it. Unless if I want to cry out of regret. Then, my results came out. The last time my pointer had ever been this bad was during my high school days. I almost cried, but I didn’t. I couldn’t let myself to cry for getting this bad when it’s my fault to begin with. But to be honest, my grades have improved but the pointer didn’t because there’s a subject that pulled everything down with it. I was frustrated but constantly reminding myself that at least I don’t have to repeat the subject.

And then, there’s my acne breakouts from last year. It suddenly got so much worse and my face had never been this bad in my entire life. Everyone pitied me but it didn’t help my face getting any better. It is an allergic of make-up that triggered everything, and ever since then, my acne has been so active that I have started to get allergic of every food too. My face, both sides of my cheeks were badly swollen and they were so painful that I woke up with tears in my eyes every morning. I can’t eat anything I want as I used to, especially seafood and spicy food (which I live for), or my face would get so irritated, so itchy and so painful. I wanted to see the doctor but I haven’t gotten my allowance. I didn’t want to ask money from my parents as I had to ask them for advance money since I would only get my PTPTN’s allowance in March. My self-esteem has always been low and with all these breakouts on my face, it gets lower than ever. Everyone noticed about my face and told me to see the doctor. To tell them the fact that I couldn’t afford to see a doctor although it might be as cheap as RM30 is embarrassing. I feel extra vulnerable when it comes to money. Some people… they just don’t get it and refuse to understand that my parents aren’t the same as theirs. It rips me inside out.

I came back to Penang a bit early from the registration day because I had a fight with my parents. I left home in bad terms and I am the kind of person who usually gets paid (for my sin) in cash. So the first few days I spent in Penang was shitty af. I didn’t get the LHP455 subject that I wanted to take so I was pushed into waiting list, my car got clamped on the very first day at my usual parking spot, I overslept on my first class of QMT222, the access card to my apartment’s car park couldn’t be used, and some more. Not to mention that I was so sleepy during the drive back to Penang that I almost fell asleep but luckily I didn’t. I was in Penang only for 5 days and then I went back to my hometown as I had a doctor’s appointment and stayed at home straight until the Chinese New Year was over. My appointment was on Wednesday and I then skipped HXE229 class on Thursday which in the next class, the lecturer questioned the reason of my absence. Damn. It was shitty, I was miserable.

As I went back to my hometown, I fixed things with my parents. Everything got better with us, my heart felt lighter. But shitty things still happened regardless everything. I was assigned into the same group with someone whom I want to avoid the most, it was so stressful. I felt screwed up and emotionally disturbed so I did something immature and childish, something that I had never done before and never imagined I would have done it – I asked the lecturer if I could change group. Yep. The lecturer asked me “Why?” in a very nice way that I almost teared up in front of him. Maybe he saw the look on my face so he granted me his permission. After all I did end up crying because my friends noticed about me being in the same group with ‘her’ so they came swooning me asking me if I was okay when obviously my eyes were filled with tears waiting to fall. I don’t really hate this person, but I really really really dislike her because she has done so many awful things to my friends and me myself, or even to anyone who is to be nice to her. So I really want to avoid her, because she’s toxic. Rather than being in her group and then talk about her behind her back, getting stressed because of her all over again, I think avoidance is the best way for me. I already have no choice but to deal with her in St. John and TESOL, so I don’t want to encounter with her more than that. I am doing this for myself. And I am so thankful that the lecturer let me changed the group.

As I am writing this, my face is swollen and painful again. This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes again. Maybe because these past few nights I had not been washing my face properly before going to sleep and I also had been sleeping on one side. Ever since the breakouts, my face has been so sensitive even for the smallest things. I get tired of being cautious all the time and of everything sometimes but hey, all I need is patience. Even the ones who went to doctors, they still needed to wait for 6 months to recover. Now it’s only been almost two months, I think I’ll be fine. Let’s just pray that I’ll recover soon and shitty things would stop happening to me.

A friend once said that my life is a nightmare. I was offended, but he was right.

Confession #19

Am I lonely?

I have always realised that I am sort of a loner. A lone ranger – that’s what I’ve been telling myself all these while. And I am definitely okay with it, with myself. Being alone… I find peace in solitude. Being alone is fine. Being alone is good for me to recharge after people drain me dry. But what I am not fine about is being looked at whenever I’m out alone, especially when I’m eating out. People would just look at me and some of them don’t even bother to move their stare when my eyes meet theirs. It’s disturbing because in some of those eyes, I could find pity. I don’t need that. I’d rather being looked as the weird lonely girl instead of being pitied at. There’s nothing to be pitied for. I am fine. I understand that they have no idea about what I have in mind but mind you that it is rude to stare. Let a girl eats in peace, would you?

My bubble of peacefulness could be easily popped by the stares of pity.

I might be alone but I am not lonely. Although I gotta admit that there are times when I would suddenly be hit by sudden loneliness in the middle of nowhere and instantly get severely absorbed by the feeling right there and then. No matter where and when or how many people I’m with. I could be surrounded by my loud friends yet still couldn’t dodge the loneliness that’s striking me. Pathetic? No. I don’t see myself that way. At least not in that particular aspect anyway.

I’m fine.

During my recent birthday, I got wishes by my friends. They told me not to always be alone, to join them whenever they’re out. I feel sorry for them because I don’t think I can change myself. I like myself being this way. I like myself eating alone. I like myself getting fresh air alone. I like myself thinking alone in my car. I like myself going out for shopping alone. I like myself this way – that I don’t really have to cling to someone. I have always hated myself for being clingy, for being too dependent on someone and easily attached. I hate it. I loathe myself for it. That’s why I have slowly changed to a lonesome girl. I like myself better this way. That’s the most important thing for me right now – liking, loving and forgiving myself. Making peace within oneself before making peace with others.

You might consider me as a shitty lonely human being, it’s not entirely wrong.

But I’m still fine. I’m fine, although there are mornings that I wake up hoping to get a good morning text from someone. I’m fine, although there are nights when I refuse to go to sleep before getting a goodnight text from someone. I’m fine, although there are times when I come home after a long day and wanting to talk to someone but have no one to talk to. I’m fine, although there are times when good things happen and I just want to share it with someone but realise I have no one to share it with. I’m fine, although I usually envy seeing people’s friendships or relationships. I'm fine, although there are countless times I wish I've met a soulmate in high school - one who I can talk about anything as our heads hit the pillow. I’m fine, although there are times when how I wish I could talk to my family just like some other people do. I’m fine, although there are times when I think this queen size bed I’ve been sleeping on in my rental house is too big for me and me alone. I’m fine, although there are times when I wish my phone would ring randomly just because the person at the other side wants to talk to me. I’m fine, although there are times when I stare at the ceiling while listening to songs and cry myself to sleep because of no reason at all. I’m fine, although sometimes I wish someone would pick me up without needing me asking for it. I’m fine – despite all the althoughs and all the times that loneliness hits me without a heads up or mercy, I’m fine.

I’m fine. Even when I’m not, I’ll be fine again.

23 = 2018

I have been wanting to write this but of course my not-so-inert procrastination ghost had won over me urgh. Well, moshimoshi! The writer of this blog has turned 23 in last January yay(?). Uh, 23 is so abstract. I mean, it’s the age where you are too old for certain things yet too young for some others; the age where you witness your friends accomplishing this and that; the age where you think you gotta figure yourself out. I don’t really know which one is the right thing to do or accomplish in this age. If there’s even any lah…

Since my 22-year-old ass did fi(okay)ne, I really hope this older me will do better and make up for all the not-so-good things that are written in the previous post. Are there any specific resolutions? Nah, I don’t think so. Just some wishes to myself. Wait, are they considered as resolutions too? Dang man, I’m a bit lost here. My mind is all over the place.

Wishes for my 23-year-old self:

1. Make peace with self.
2. Actually live.
3. Make peace with self.
4. Gain some money.
5. Make peace with self.
6. Be selfish yet kinder.
7. Make peace with self.

That’s it. I have some specific wishes or stuff that I hope to cross them out this year but nah I think I will just keep them to myself because I’m pretty sure that the list is endless and I really doubt I could cross at least half of them before 2019 so yeah.

Hope 2018 is doing well for ya!