Someone

Someone came back into my life.

He –

who I knew from the old day,

He –

who I used to push away.

He came back.

Out of sudden,

Out of the blue,

Out of nowhere.

And he’s here.

Closer than before,

Significant than ever.

Wish he’ll stay.

To love me,

And be loved in return.

To embrace the virtues,

And complements the flaws.

Please be infinite.

Toxicated

The word does not even exist out there but it is living inside me.

Have you ever met someone who is so toxic to you? They don’t do anything to you yet their presence alone already makes yourself worse than ever. They do nothing to you yet for some reasons the worst of you eats you away whenever they are around. You hate yourself for it, for realizing about it. You blame yourself for your feelings and drown yourself with the “I shouldn’t be feeling this way, it’s not like they do anything to me” thought. You keep on thinking deeper and deeper and finally it reaches your core, digging a whole new hole inside you. Your heart is left with a lot of holes; the ones done by them without them knowing, without you realizing. Their presence suffocates you. Their presence somehow feels as they are sitting on your chest, blocking your breath. You can’t breathe properly. You are fucked up. But once they are gone, it feels like the weight on your chest has been lifted yup. Everything feels lighter. It feels like the bright sun has finally coming out from its hiding. The grey cloud might have you wrapped in the dark whenever they are around but by the time they have let you go, sunray keeps coming through every possible hole – bathing everything on its path with its golden shiny ray.

The guilty pleasure is real.

Confession #20

Today, I have crawled back into my blackest hole. One that I have vowed not to ever visit again. One that drags me to hit my lowest. One that I have left years ago and recovered in a hard way. All those years spent in recovering were forgotten for a moment. I was lost. I went back there. It was scary. I did not want to be there, it was so wrong to just even take a peek and actually entering the hole was much much worse. Although I went there for just a moment, a brief one, it was still terrifying. What would happen if I couldn’t get out? What would actually happen if I failed to restrain myself? The possibilities might eat me alive.

Surprise

I have never been fond of birthdays since the ones I ever had were nothing good. All the bad things could have happened to me and they decided to drop the bombs on my birthdays so yeah my birthdays have always been some shitty days since forever. Guess my existence alone is shitty enough.

But that is not the point here.

On the last March 13^th which was a Tuesday, I went through my day as usual. It was a hectic one, deadly tiring as usual. My schedule was packed since the morning, a lil bit of rest in the evening, and later at night, a meeting and then straight away to a tutorial class. But that tutorial was a casual one so we had it moved to an opened café. I was a bit late for the tutorial because I was attending a meeting. It was nothing odd. I made it to the meeting and went through it. When it was time to leave, Noraida said she wanted me to give her a ride. I said okay and started to walk to my car but then my arm was grabbed. Noraida said she needed to take her doughnuts in Hanani’s room. So me, Noraida, Hazwani and Sunisha headed to the back of the café – the shortcut to Hanani’s room. Out of the blue moon, as we were walking under the street lights in the dim light, in between of the café and the blocks, I could see my friends waiting in the middle of the pathway with balloons in their hands. And they started singing the Happy Birthday song. I was bewildered yet I started to sing along too with the “Whose birthday is it?” thought in my head. I literally had no clue. Noraida, Hazwani and Sunisha moved to the other side and started facing me – joining the others. I was more confused, “Was it for me? But it has been months?”. Just right in the moment, they mentioned my name in the song. I was sure then. It was mine lol.

What a great plan huh, celebrating it after two months?

But it was great. I liked how simple it was. They prepared me balloons, a slice of cake and a burger from The Kapit’s. Nothing festive about it, just us celebrating it in the dark. I like love that, really. But Caek-chan was being Caek-chan. I don’t know how to express the gratitude. All I can say is thank you. So, everyone – Hanani, Noraida, Hazwani, Aina, Sunisha, Atiqah, Hasni – thank you. You guys made my night and made me gained a kilo urgh but I ain’t complaining.

Alone

Alone yet rarely lonely. But there are times when the loneliness finds its way to seep into your veins without you noticing and wrap its cold fingers around your heart. As your heart is frozen in the coldness, your vulnerability would suddenly emerge on the surface. It reveals itself to the world, to anyone who might see it or not. And it would remain there until the coldness melted away, leaving the heart completely to pump blood again. You breathe of relief – your heart is warm again. But you and I, we both know that this is just a phase in an endless cycle. It would occur again at times you least expecting. Once it happens, you would be vacuumed into the hole of doomness and wish to do nothing but curl yourself in bed and then cry yourself to sleep.

Fallen Out of Love

They say the worst part of a breakup is when the love withers. The love lingers around in the air, torturing one to keep on reminiscing all the things that once made them happy but now do nothing but hurt them. Reminiscing the happy moments is now so painful because you certainly sure that it won’t be happening again, at least not with the same person. So you keep on repeating the same scenario in your head, just to rub in salt on the bleeding wound. It is painful – to hit the realisation that someone who used to be your source of happiness is now gone, together with a piece of your mystified heart. The love that lingers around you wraps your heart in its thin air, coating you with the broken past. It is dreadful, but you are the one who keeps giving it the power to get into you. You were ruined, tortured and believed that you could never have a sweet taste of happiness again. You convinced yourself that you did not deserve the happiness and had finally ran out of it. You believed you had used all your life line for the happiness you embraced in the past. But one day, you are awaken from your deep sleep. The tight feeling in the chest is now all gone. You thought of the past, trying to search for the ache you once had but failed. You don’t feel anything now. The heavy weight on your shoulders have been channeled into thin air. You feel lighter, way lighter than you have ever been. Even when you see the person, it doesn’t have the effects it used to have on you before. Your heart doesn’t flutter. There are no butterflies in your tummy. Your heart is not shattering again. You feel fine. You are fine. And that’s when you realise, that you have actually fallen out of love. 

Sound

Isn’t it amazing how sometimes noises can calm you down? Like the sound of rain pouring down to wet the Earth, as your heart beating together to its rhythm without you even realising. Like the sound of wave hitting the land, as it is a symbol of your raging emotions being washed away little by little. Like the sound of music blasting loudly through your headphones, as they are trying so hard to win over all the battles that are happening inside you. Like the sound of chaotic traffic when you are kilometers away, as the vehicles honk to each other selfishly and move noisily. Like the sound of fireworks, as for whatever reason they somehow provide you with contentment and satisfaction once they explode here and there. And like the sound of ceiling fan that is spinning above your head, as it makes your soul comes out from your body when you stare at it long enough. Maybe this is where the safe and sound actually takes place, maybe this is what the phrase actually means.

Miserable At Its Best

2018 has not been good so far.

It is only almost March but I already feel like giving up. I did not do well in my exams. Well, some of them yeah but half of them was shitty. I can’t complain about it, I didn’t work hard enough thus I don’t have the right to cry for it. Unless if I want to cry out of regret. Then, my results came out. The last time my pointer had ever been this bad was during my high school days. I almost cried, but I didn’t. I couldn’t let myself to cry for getting this bad when it’s my fault to begin with. But to be honest, my grades have improved but the pointer didn’t because there’s a subject that pulled everything down with it. I was frustrated but constantly reminding myself that at least I don’t have to repeat the subject.

And then, there’s my acne breakouts from last year. It suddenly got so much worse and my face had never been this bad in my entire life. Everyone pitied me but it didn’t help my face getting any better. It is an allergic of make-up that triggered everything, and ever since then, my acne has been so active that I have started to get allergic of every food too. My face, both sides of my cheeks were badly swollen and they were so painful that I woke up with tears in my eyes every morning. I can’t eat anything I want as I used to, especially seafood and spicy food (which I live for), or my face would get so irritated, so itchy and so painful. I wanted to see the doctor but I haven’t gotten my allowance. I didn’t want to ask money from my parents as I had to ask them for advance money since I would only get my PTPTN’s allowance in March. My self-esteem has always been low and with all these breakouts on my face, it gets lower than ever. Everyone noticed about my face and told me to see the doctor. To tell them the fact that I couldn’t afford to see a doctor although it might be as cheap as RM30 is embarrassing. I feel extra vulnerable when it comes to money. Some people… they just don’t get it and refuse to understand that my parents aren’t the same as theirs. It rips me inside out.

I came back to Penang a bit early from the registration day because I had a fight with my parents. I left home in bad terms and I am the kind of person who usually gets paid (for my sin) in cash. So the first few days I spent in Penang was shitty af. I didn’t get the LHP455 subject that I wanted to take so I was pushed into waiting list, my car got clamped on the very first day at my usual parking spot, I overslept on my first class of QMT222, the access card to my apartment’s car park couldn’t be used, and some more. Not to mention that I was so sleepy during the drive back to Penang that I almost fell asleep but luckily I didn’t. I was in Penang only for 5 days and then I went back to my hometown as I had a doctor’s appointment and stayed at home straight until the Chinese New Year was over. My appointment was on Wednesday and I then skipped HXE229 class on Thursday which in the next class, the lecturer questioned the reason of my absence. Damn. It was shitty, I was miserable.

As I went back to my hometown, I fixed things with my parents. Everything got better with us, my heart felt lighter. But shitty things still happened regardless everything. I was assigned into the same group with someone whom I want to avoid the most, it was so stressful. I felt screwed up and emotionally disturbed so I did something immature and childish, something that I had never done before and never imagined I would have done it – I asked the lecturer if I could change group. Yep. The lecturer asked me “Why?” in a very nice way that I almost teared up in front of him. Maybe he saw the look on my face so he granted me his permission. After all I did end up crying because my friends noticed about me being in the same group with ‘her’ so they came swooning me asking me if I was okay when obviously my eyes were filled with tears waiting to fall. I don’t really hate this person, but I really really really dislike her because she has done so many awful things to my friends and me myself, or even to anyone who is to be nice to her. So I really want to avoid her, because she’s toxic. Rather than being in her group and then talk about her behind her back, getting stressed because of her all over again, I think avoidance is the best way for me. I already have no choice but to deal with her in St. John and TESOL, so I don’t want to encounter with her more than that. I am doing this for myself. And I am so thankful that the lecturer let me changed the group.

As I am writing this, my face is swollen and painful again. This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes again. Maybe because these past few nights I had not been washing my face properly before going to sleep and I also had been sleeping on one side. Ever since the breakouts, my face has been so sensitive even for the smallest things. I get tired of being cautious all the time and of everything sometimes but hey, all I need is patience. Even the ones who went to doctors, they still needed to wait for 6 months to recover. Now it’s only been almost two months, I think I’ll be fine. Let’s just pray that I’ll recover soon and shitty things would stop happening to me.

A friend once said that my life is a nightmare. I was offended, but he was right.

Confession #19

Am I lonely?

I have always realised that I am sort of a loner. A lone ranger – that’s what I’ve been telling myself all these while. And I am definitely okay with it, with myself. Being alone… I find peace in solitude. Being alone is fine. Being alone is good for me to recharge after people drain me dry. But what I am not fine about is being looked at whenever I’m out alone, especially when I’m eating out. People would just look at me and some of them don’t even bother to move their stare when my eyes meet theirs. It’s disturbing because in some of those eyes, I could find pity. I don’t need that. I’d rather being looked as the weird lonely girl instead of being pitied at. There’s nothing to be pitied for. I am fine. I understand that they have no idea about what I have in mind but mind you that it is rude to stare. Let a girl eats in peace, would you?

My bubble of peacefulness could be easily popped by the stares of pity.

I might be alone but I am not lonely. Although I gotta admit that there are times when I would suddenly be hit by sudden loneliness in the middle of nowhere and instantly get severely absorbed by the feeling right there and then. No matter where and when or how many people I’m with. I could be surrounded by my loud friends yet still couldn’t dodge the loneliness that’s striking me. Pathetic? No. I don’t see myself that way. At least not in that particular aspect anyway.

I’m fine.

During my recent birthday, I got wishes by my friends. They told me not to always be alone, to join them whenever they’re out. I feel sorry for them because I don’t think I can change myself. I like myself being this way. I like myself eating alone. I like myself getting fresh air alone. I like myself thinking alone in my car. I like myself going out for shopping alone. I like myself this way – that I don’t really have to cling to someone. I have always hated myself for being clingy, for being too dependent on someone and easily attached. I hate it. I loathe myself for it. That’s why I have slowly changed to a lonesome girl. I like myself better this way. That’s the most important thing for me right now – liking, loving and forgiving myself. Making peace within oneself before making peace with others.

You might consider me as a shitty lonely human being, it’s not entirely wrong.

But I’m still fine. I’m fine, although there are mornings that I wake up hoping to get a good morning text from someone. I’m fine, although there are nights when I refuse to go to sleep before getting a goodnight text from someone. I’m fine, although there are times when I come home after a long day and wanting to talk to someone but have no one to talk to. I’m fine, although there are times when good things happen and I just want to share it with someone but realise I have no one to share it with. I’m fine, although I usually envy seeing people’s friendships or relationships. I'm fine, although there are countless times I wish I've met a soulmate in high school - one who I can talk about anything as our heads hit the pillow. I’m fine, although there are times when how I wish I could talk to my family just like some other people do. I’m fine, although there are times when I think this queen size bed I’ve been sleeping on in my rental house is too big for me and me alone. I’m fine, although there are times when I wish my phone would ring randomly just because the person at the other side wants to talk to me. I’m fine, although there are times when I stare at the ceiling while listening to songs and cry myself to sleep because of no reason at all. I’m fine, although sometimes I wish someone would pick me up without needing me asking for it. I’m fine – despite all the althoughs and all the times that loneliness hits me without a heads up or mercy, I’m fine.

I’m fine. Even when I’m not, I’ll be fine again.

23 = 2018

I have been wanting to write this but of course my not-so-inert procrastination ghost had won over me urgh. Well, moshimoshi! The writer of this blog has turned 23 in last January yay(?). Uh, 23 is so abstract. I mean, it’s the age where you are too old for certain things yet too young for some others; the age where you witness your friends accomplishing this and that; the age where you think you gotta figure yourself out. I don’t really know which one is the right thing to do or accomplish in this age. If there’s even any lah…

Since my 22-year-old ass did fi(okay)ne, I really hope this older me will do better and make up for all the not-so-good things that are written in the previous post. Are there any specific resolutions? Nah, I don’t think so. Just some wishes to myself. Wait, are they considered as resolutions too? Dang man, I’m a bit lost here. My mind is all over the place.

Wishes for my 23-year-old self:

1. Make peace with self.
2. Actually live.
3. Make peace with self.
4. Gain some money.
5. Make peace with self.
6. Be selfish yet kinder.
7. Make peace with self.

That’s it. I have some specific wishes or stuff that I hope to cross them out this year but nah I think I will just keep them to myself because I’m pretty sure that the list is endless and I really doubt I could cross at least half of them before 2019 so yeah.

Hope 2018 is doing well for ya!

Her

She is many

content in one body.

She wears her heart on her sleeve –

so easy to be read

as the sight of weather changing,

so pure, so naïve.

On some days,

she is calm –

As the shy sunshine

prying behind the clouds

with the soft wind

flowing the hair tenderly

offering comfort to others.

On some days,

she is happy –

Smiling cheerfully

as the bright sunlight

glowing everything underneath

warming people’s hearts

without wanting anything in return.

On some days,

she is drizzle –

Pouring lightly

as wanting to be noticed

but afraid of reactions

so she walks slowly

with her eyes sticking on the ground.

On some days,

she is hurricane –

Letting go everything bottled inside

as the rough wind

crashing all on its way

screaming to be heard

or begging for the pain to stop.

She is just like the weather –

She can give you both

either light

or darkness.