Thursday, June 30, 2016

Confession #13

I found it's scary how one haven't moved on from his/her 4-year partner but then caught him/herself liking someone else. And I am not talking about crush like here. I am talking about literally like like. You really like him/her. It's not actually love yet, it's just that you really really reaaaally like this one person but at the same time you haven't moved on from your previous partner. I found it's intimidating to have feelings like this as it might kill you anytime it wants too. Lucky for me, I've told myself loooong ago before that I would never get this guy no matter what happens because he is sooooo out of my league. So if one day I got myself brokenhearted by this guy, it's all my fault. Yep, told myself that.

Yeah, it's a heartbreaking stuff.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Yay? Yay!


My final result is out.

Alhamdulillah, I have finally managed to feel how getting 4.0 is lol. Don't get me wrong. I am not bragging about my pointer here, I am only telling my pointer here because it's the result for my practicum slash Teaching Practice so yeah most of my friends got 4.0 too.

What did/do I feel?

At first, I didn't feel excited about my GPA at all because I was so busy focusing on my CGPA. So when I saw there's no change in my CGPA, I looked up at my GPA. And then, there it was. My 4.0. But I felt nothing. I kept questioning about my CGPA. I ignored my 4.0. Plus, someone tweeted that 'it was only the practicum so yeah of course everyone got 4.0' bullshit. To make it worse, I let the thought got into me.

How foolish I was.

Later then after I gathered myself back, I thought about it again. So I thought that getting a 4.0 for practicum might be a common thing but duuuuuude I was suffering tortured in order to get that. It was one hell of a journey. I had migraine for the whole first month of practicum, I shed loads and loads of tears, I was greatly depressed (not to mention I was handling with my breakup during that time), I even burst into tears in class in front of my students (I knew it was so unprofessional to do so but I really couldn't help it by that time), I was struggling to do my lesson plans because I had no laptop for the whole practicum period so I had to borrow from my friends (thank goodness I was in evening session so I could use my friends' laptops whenever they didn't bring their laptops to school), financially unstable since we practicum teachers did not get any allowance and all expenses for teaching and projects including the worksheets were on us, I got negative vibes from the school and a lot more that I don't feel like stating everything here. But yeah after all those stuff I had gone through, I thought to myself- I deserved the result. I gained it.

"And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you (in favour): but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.'"

[14:7]

So now, let's pray for my degree, will ya?

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dumped

Guess who just got dumped again? Me.

Well, being dumped by someone is not something unusual for me. I got dumped a lot. Seriously a lot, either by boys or friends. So I thought I had gotten used to the feeling. Apparently, I was wrong. And it was so hurt that I shed a tear.

Never thought it's going to be that hurt lol.

It hurts once you realised that someone whom used to be so dear to you has cut you off from his/her life. The worst part of it is- you are left hanging without any explanations. Everyone deserves an explanation. Everyone deserves to know what did they do to that someone to deserve that. I do know people come and go, and there is nothing that we can do about it but whatever hurts still hurts. I am not even talking about a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship here. I get way emotional when it comes to friendship.

Because for me, being dumped by a friend without knowing why is the most painful one.

If you really know me, you would know how much I don't like people. How I prefer to keep my circle small. So when I was in boarding school, I didn't bother to be friend with seniors or juniors. I mean, I did make friends with some of them but the number was small, I think I could even list the names down if I wanted to. Okay, I am talking crap.

Here's a detail: it's a she

Me and a few of my friends were close to this one lass. We were close enough to sleep together on weekend nights, close enough to skip evening prep class just for her, close enough to let her wrote in our notebooks and close enough for her to buy us foods (buying food to someone is a big deal okay). But after we got out from school, she was fading away. Things started to change. At first, she cut my friend off from her life. I was paranoid ever since then because social network was the only place for me to follow her life, so I was afraid she would cut me off too.

Well, she did. I just found out about it this morning.

I stalked her almost everyday so believe me when I say I could tell she was still in my following before. We never contacted each other anymore. She never replied to my comments anymore while she replied to other comments after me. I did get hurt, I used to idolize her. As I said, we were close. So I never said anything about it. But this morning once I realised that I have been cut off too, that was hurt. A lot. And I keep thinking to myself ever since then, "What did I do to her? Where did I do wrong?".

Maybe I am just not good enough to be in her life anymore. Who am I?

So let's move ooooooooon because there's nothing I can do about it. We can't beg someone to stay, aren't we? I wish that lass happiness and may He protect her no matter where she is and bless her soul because she is a very kind person.

Til then, sayonara.


Saturday, June 11, 2016

Self-Reflection

Almost a month ago, I bought this one book just because I kept seeing it everywhere and also because I loved the cover. Plus, I was on my way home from KL and had nothing to read during the journey so I decided to sacrifice one of my BB1M vouchers (which I spared to buy the whole The Mortal Instruments boxed set) to buy three local books.

One of them was The Other Side of the Coin written by Aiman Azlan and Ameen Misran.


When I bought it, I had no idea what it was about as there's no synopsis written at the back of the book. I assumed it was a motivational book. A common one. But of course I was wrong. I started reading it without having any idea in mind since I didn't even skim or scan the contents beforehand. I did that all the time, reading a book without knowing what it's about. So a few weeks earlier, I picked it up and read, finished it in a week.

My heart almost burst out from mah chest.

Why? Because I just realised that I was actually reading something religious. It is not a bad thing to read something religious. It was just that I thought I wasn't good enough to read one lol and of course I was wrong. You don't have to wait until you are 'good enough' to start reading one. This book is good for a beginner like me. The stories make sense, the approach used in it is acceptable, and it makes you think a lot about yourself.

Little did you know, you're doing self-reflection.

The contents are everything from our daily life, our normal behaviour. So it does help in every single way. The book is divided by two parts; Aiman Azlan's first and the followed by Ameen Misran's. To be honest, I prefer Aiman Azlan's approach more because I think he is tender compared to Ameen Misran's. Ameen Misran's is quite... forceful, I think? But both ways are still acceptable for me.

Urgh, I am really really really bad at reviewing a book!

Okay. Basically, if you want to do some self-reflections by reading something religious, you should try reading this book. It consists of verses from the Holy Quran and hadiths which can help or guide us in repenting our wrongdoings towards Him.

So....

Okay this post feels so wrong since it's written by a satan but urgh I hope you would try reading this book because I like it so much and I want you, whoever who is reading this, to like it as much as I do. That's it, I'm out!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Did I Make The Right Choice?

Well, I think I did.

After all the wrecking phase I had gone through, I have finally found peace again. I managed to gather all of myself and plant my feet on the ground again. I succeed in surviving the pain and I am proud of myself because of it.

Most of all, I feel relieved.

I kinda find peace in being alone. Of course there would be times when I miss to have someone to talk about everything to but hey, I think I could survive that for now. At this moment, I am free to do whatever I want to without having to consider of someone's feeling. Well, I still have to think about people's feelings but you get the idea, don't you?

So yeah, I think am sure I've made the right choice.

"Relax your heart sometime after it has been used,
verily the heart will be blind when it is in hatred."
- Saidina Ali bin Abi Talib
(Aiman Azlan & Ameen Misran's The Other Side of the Coin)

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Ramadan Kareem

Everyone is being all excited, aye? Well, me too.

When I was younger, I used to love Ramadan because it meant we're going to celebrate Eid after that. Which also meant, we're going to have new stuff especially new clothes. That was one of the things that I would be looking forward to because I barely bought new clothes before. As I grow older, my intentions tend to change from time to time. And as for now and the previous few years, I would say that the thing I love the most about this holy month is because all the deaths will have some break from being tortured under there.

The deaths stop being punished for awhile.

Someone who was so close to my heart died 6 years ago and ever since then, I would be looking forward for Ramadan and not the Eid. This is my sixth Ramadan without her. I would be thinking about her a lot when it's Ramadan. It's not that I don't miss her during other months, it's just that Ramadan is the month I would be thinking about her the most. I barely get excited over Eid anymore. My heart aches whenever I hear takbir raya. I could be angry if someone was playing takbir raya before its time. 

I pity the deaths, I pity her.

I hope all of us could mend ourselves during this holy month. I wish I could get better too. Who doesn't want to be a better person, right? In syaa Allah, from time to time, things will be better, including ourselves. Salam Ramadan Al-Mubarak!

"O Turner of Hearts, make my heart firm upon Your way."
- Prophet Muhammad PBUH


Jeez, that sounds so wrong coming from a satan /facepalm/.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Confession #12

Have you ever had this one person in your life whom you could never let him/her go no matter how many times you'd tried because later you would catch yourself running back to them? Because you had always thought that he/she was the only one who would accept you for who you were even though after you had revealed all the demons in you to them? So you thought you had need to have them stayed with you just to make yourself felt loved? Somehow, later you realised that you should walk away from them so they could live better without you?

Because I do.

I had that one person for years. He was there by my side through my ups and downs, through hell and high water. He had seen me at my worst, made me felt like I was at my best. I told him everything, even the stupidest things ever. I had opened up to him, let him saw all the demons I had been keeping in me and he stayed. I let him in. For the very first time, I really let someone in. I let him saw the real me. The both sides of me; the bright side and the dark side.

So you must be thinking why the hell I dumped him /smirk/

They said if you really loved someone, you should let them be happy even if it means that you had to let them go. So I did. Would you like to see someone you loved suffering because of you? Because of your stupid insecurities, your endless mood swings, your uncontrollable temper, your wounded soul and more other things that made you felt like one piece of shit and you took them off on them? Every single time, they would end up as your victims. And every single time, your heart broke for them.

Because that was what I truly felt.

My heart broke for him. But I just couldn't help myself. I blamed him for everything even when it was not his fault, I took my anger on him, I let my demons took control of me and once I'd gotten back my senses, my heart broke for him. Seeing his expression was the worst part. How could I let someone whom I loved this much to bear this tantrum of mine? How could I let someone whom I cared so much to be hurt as much as he was? How long did you think he would suffer this way before he decided to leave?

Then it hit you; you had need to let go.

And since he won't go, you had to walk away. You had to make things done. I did it because I was shielding myself and him from greater pain. I didn't want to be the one left behind as I knew sooner or later he would leave me once he decided that I was too fucked up to be with him. And I did him a huge favour by letting him go, so he could have a better life without me, one that I could not provide for him. And I knew it deep in his heart, he didn't really love me. Because if he did, he would learn from his mistakes. You know when you screwed up a relationship and then you meet someone else so you try all your best to make amend because you don't want the history to repeat itself? That is how it's supposed to work. But not this one guy. He did stay with me but he didn't learn. So that's when I realised that he could be leaving me anytime he felt so. It was hard for me to admit that.

So I left. I walked away from him.

"It's better to break your own heart by leaving. Rather than having that one person breaks your heart every day you with them."

I am wrecked. A total wrecked. I cried days and nights when it first happened. I still cried even after months. It was a good thing that I was doing my practicum so I got myself occupied most of the times but there would be evenings when I thought of him and my heart shattered all over again. I thought about him a lot. I hate it when there was something good happened to me and the first person whom I thought of sharing it with was him. I barely got rid of him. And I felt so frustrated because I couldn't talk to anybody about it since people wouldn't understand. For most of them, as long as he didn't cheat then it's fine. But it's not fine for me /sigh/. Somehow, I am getting better now. A lot better.

But I am still wrecked.

I can't be fixed. I'm too broken to be fixed. Wait, I'm not broken. I'm shattered. Even shattered doesn't cover it all. I'm hurt. Now, I'm incapable of accepting love. After everything that happened to me, how do you think am I supposed to let someone in again? People can't love me. People can't stand my demons. I myself can't stand me. I don't know my worth, but being told that I wasn't worth it by someone who meant the world to me was enough to bring me back to reality. Now I know where to stand. If he could have such a thought, then I bet you could too. If he thought I didn't worth it, I bet you would think of something worse. So I'm going to build up walls around me again, to shield myself from more misery and doing a favour for you so you won't involve with me.

Because I'm shattered.

"It's okay. 
It's okay for you to miss him. 
It's okay for you to feel angry. 

It's okay for you to feel sad and even to cry... 
It's okay. 

It's okay for you to wonder whether or not you made the right decision... 
It's okay." 

- Mr. Amari Soul, Reflections of a Man

I don't have anything more to give to you, to people. If you're going to fill me with love, you would need a lot of them because I'm an empty soul right now. I have nothing left in me. You can't love me. I can't go through everything all over again. I can't let people in anymore because they would eventually leave and the footprints left in my life would cause me a great pain. And obviously, I can't show my demons to the people who can't accept me. I just can't. Even I myself is afraid of my demons, how could I  will ever let you see them?

At the end of day, I still can't be fixed.

"Breaking up can be quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Just know, when the ride is over and you've gotten it all out of your system... it's okay to move on."

- Mr. Amari Soul, Reflections of a Man

I'm sorry if reading this bothers you. When I am writing all these emotional shits, I don't mean to ask for sympathy or what. I don't expect you to understand either. I am writing this here because I just want to write. I just want to express. I want to let everything go. I want a shoulder to cry but I don't have one so here is my shoulder. I just want to write, express my feelings and shut down. Is that too much to ask?

"It's dangerous how wrecked I am,
save me because I can't get a grip on myself."