Everyone will face death one day. No matter how far you run, you still going to die sooner or later. Kan? Because we belong to Him, our Creator.
Actually, I don't really want to talk about death in this entry. Thinking about death itself pun makes me die slowly haih.
I want to talk about arwah tok.
Frankly speaking kan, the more I think about this, the more I realize that I don't really get over about her death yet. It has been four years. I have live without her for fucking four years!
It is so unbelievable.
After tok died, I burst in front of Mama once, the night tok died and after that never again because I know it will only hurts her more. Even now pun whenever she hears a song about death pun she'll cry. And I understand how she feels, she's the last child.
Can you feel that?
Arwah tok has her own comb. A teh-O ais colour of comb. And after she died, I took the comb. I use it since then and now and I am still using it. Even her clothes, I told Mama that I want them. Those remind me of her. I don't know if I am actually torturing myself or what but what I know is I miss her. A lot. Like seriously a lot.
It breaks my heart every single time.
Last week, I was doing my Grammar assignment and suddenly there was a sentence 'The old man walks with a stick' and I was like 'Tok pun guna tongkat jugak. Eh lama tak sembang dengan tok, nak call tok ah' and I did pick up my phone and was about to dial Mama's number and ask her to pass the phone to Tok but then I realized that … she's gone. She's gone for years and why was that happening to me? I cried so hard that night but I didn't call Mama.
It really really breaks my heart.
Ever since then and now, I always think of her out of the blue. She suddenly pops into my mind and then my heart sinks and I cry and things go on. I don't mean to cry. It just happens just like that.
What can I do about it?
O Allah, I'm sorry for being so sad about You took her away from me. I know You love her more than I do. Please take care of her and forgive our sins. Aaminnn.