Confession #16

I feel sad most of the times and whenever I do, I tend to feel the need of listening to certain people's voices to make me feel at ease again, as both of my baes' voices. Or my ex-bae. Or my ex-boyfriend.

"It's beautiful how some people can make us feel happy even at the times when we don't believe in happiness anymore"

- Anonymous

People would simply question me this- "Gurlllll, what's the need of having men in your life? why don't you just call your parents? Talking to your parents will help". No, thank you. Of course it is a fact that talking to parents will absolutely help, I won't deny it, but nope, I was not raised that way. My parents have raised me in the hard way, they don't entertain these petty stuff running through their lil girl's mind. I don't come from that kind of family which talks about everything to each other. Please understand that I'm not saying it in a bad way, I'm just explaining why I prefer not to talk to them whenever I feel sad or emotional or depressed.

True, whenever I feel sad or emotional or even depressed, the tendency for me to cry is high. And my mom's voice will always be the trigger. Every single time I call my mom whenever I'm not in a good condition, I can barely wait until she has finished her first word before I start to crack. Her voice is my weakness and I do realise that having my mom listening to me crying, it's not a good idea. I honestly feel like a loser every time I do so, I want to act all tough and strong in front of my parents. That's one of their expectations on me; to keep on staying strong no matter what. Plus, I will only make her worries about me if I tell her the truth. I can't do that to her, I don't have the heart to do that to her. There were times when I couldn't keep my feelings anymore and I burst rightaway once I heard her voice and she sounded so worried after that, I felt bad for it. I didn't mean to make her felt that way. It's hard enough for my parents having me as their child, I should not give them more hard times to deal with. That's why I always choose not to say anything to my parents.

That is why I need my baes.

P/s: Remember when I said I didn't have one true girlfriend? I think I've found one now *wink*

Girlfriend

Never thought I would be saying this- I wish I had a girl bestfriend.

One girl bestfriend who you could tell everything to.

One girl bestfriend who would be real to you.

One girl bestfriend who wouldn't put up an act in front of you.

One girl bestfriend who would support you and correct you when you did wrong.

One girl bestfriend who wouldn't talk or meet you everyday but would always be there for you.

One girl bestfriend who would never get sick of you.

One girl bestfriend who wouldn't tell you that everything's going to be fine because it's not.

One girl bestfriend who would make you felt like you two only belonged to each other.

Only one.

Just one.

I wish I had that one girl bestfriend just like Sloane to Emily, Kelsey to Bliss, Hermione to Ginny, Nad to Izz, Lily Aldrin to Robin Scherbatsky.

I used to have girl bestfriends when I was in primary school whom we would be having sleepovers at each other's houses and stayed up talking about boyfriends and stuff, or ended up talking for hours on the phone whenever we didn't have a sleepover although it's actually on school nights. Yeah believe it or not I used to do that up until I was in high school (with different person of course) but somehow it suddenly stopped.

It stopped because the feeling wasn’t mutual. I let them go.

It had never occurred to me that I would be missing them, or hoping that I could be spending my time with them again as I had always been occupied with my guy bestfriends. I had always thought that these two guys would be enough for me but as I got older and days passed, I had started to have deep thoughts about this matter and crave for a presence of someone whom I'd never really had.

The thought is stronger than ever now as I'm at the lowest level of myself.

I do have numbers of few close girlfriends but it doesn't feel like it. Yes we are close to each other but we are so different and the different somehow infuriates me. To be honest it's not the different that irritates me, the person is. It's the kind of different which one doesn't bother to know. Like you have this one interest but the other person does not feel the same way and she doesn't bother to listen to your rant. Sometimes I feel sad especially because I don't really have anybody to rant about my Jpop addiction. You can tell when one wants to listen to your rant or nope. It felt like I had been torturing them with my fandom shits just from the looks they had on their faces so I would try my best to not talk too much about my fandoms.

Is it too much to ask to have someone who would listen to me fangirling?

On the other hand, I do think it's better for me to not have any girl bestfriend lol. I get annoyed so easily when it comes to girls and sometimes I cannot handle their dramas. And frankly speaking, I get oversensitive when I become friend with girls. That's why I've been so comfortable with my baes (I call my guy bestfriends 'baes' because they are baes). Guys have less dramas so the only one who would be coming up with the drama is me. And I would be less sensitive whenever I'm with guys. They have no choice but to entertain me that I have to admit that I actually sympathise them from time to time lol. I am actually my baes' favourite nightmare which they have to love unconditionally no matter what- even though sometimes they forget the fact that I'm a girl.

Yep, for them I’m their ‘bro’ but they still act all protective over me *sigh dreamily*

One more reason why I’m better off without a girl bestfriend- I constantly want to shut down. There’s this one girl who has always been so thoughtful of her friends that sometimes it annoys me as she keeps on bugging me to talk when I actually don’t feel like talking at all. I just want to shut down and get drowned in my own thoughts but she just doesn’t get it. I swear there were times when I would get pissed lol. Aaaand she is not interested in my love life or anything that interests me so yeah, the bond is so fragile. The chemistry is not really there. So I am treating her the same way by putting limit on us. She’s fine, but she is totally not the one whom I’ve been longing for.

Know what, too bad I can't have physical contacts with my baes.

So there's another reason why I have been longing for a girl bestfriend nowadays- to hug and slap them whenever I feel like doing so. Nah I'm just kidding but yeah I'm a hug person, of course I want to hug my favourite people especially after not seeing them for awhile. And sure, I am in need of a girl's perspective in heartbreaks looooool what the fuck am I talking about, I'm high okay this must be caused by the caffeine I consumed just now. Gotta stop now, I'm out! *drop mic*

Wait a minute.

Please appreciate it if you're a girl and you have a real girl bestfriend because I envy you for that even when I know I don’t deserve to have one I am actually better off without having one.

I am Sawada Shin

Have you ever watched the first season of Gokusen?

If you watch Gokusen and a true fan of this series, you would remember there is an episode which Sawada Shin (Matsumoto Jun) punched someone because he had an inner conflict. He got accepted in two universities while some of his friends weren't placed anywhere and they kept telling him how lucky he was for being a brilliant kid and shits. He could not help himself but got irritated and punched the one who said it. Everyone was shocked because usually, Sawada was the peace-maker in the group, he would be the one who calmed everyone down but he really lost it this time. Later on, he explained it why he did it to Yankumi (the teacher). He was jealous of his friends. Not because his friends didn't get accepted anywhere which meant they didn't have to further their studies, but because his friends had goals. Every single one of his friends had their mind set on a goal. They had been talking about their ambitions and goals and was determined to achieve them. They had clear visions of their own goals, but not him. He got accepted into two infamous universities but he did not know what he really wanted to do in his life. He didn't have a goal like his friends. He envied them for that.

And I feel the same way.

I really don't know what to do in my life. Other than getting a degree, I don't really have a goal. I do have a goal like buying my parents a car and a house and having a room of my own but I don't know what I am going to do in my life to achieve that. Am I going to be a teacher? I have never dreamed of being a teacher so I can't really tell. I don't see myself as a teacher- I have never liked kids and I am not good enough to teach people. I took TESL before because I wanted to be better in English and also because I looked highly of Mr. Azam, my high school teacher. Before we sat for SPM, everyone had to set their mind on their own paths. That was when I decided to take TESL. That was when I used to dream of furthering my studies in New Zealand, just like Mr. Azam did. Big dream, huh? But as I got older, the dream got fader. I had started to lose sight of my own dream so I was all lost again, walking to wherever my fate led me to.

Even now.

I'm taking TESOL, another programme under Education. Sometimes I have a thought of becoming a teacher but then again, I am not competent enough in English to teach people. I have always envied of my friends who are so good in English- especially with words. I barely read blogs nowadays as I am too busy to do so, but whenever I do, I will always hope there will be something written from them. Reading their blogs somehow can simply makes my day, even when I barely talk to them anymore. And also, reading their beautifully written blogs makes me feel smaller that I will constantly ask myself, "Giiiiirl, will you ever be this good?". I feel bad for downgrading myself but I guess that is the only thing that I'm good at.

And I will ask another question to myself, "will there be a day when you are confident enough of yourself?".

Sometimes I wish my life was a drama too so I could take a break and fly somewhere just to find myself as what Sawada Shin had done in the end. Too bad my life is just another harsh reality which I am forced to face.

But seriously, when will I ever get as pretty as Sawada Shin?! Look at his beauty! *ugly sobbing*

Officially Graduated.

I have officially graduated.

Officially a graduate from Kolej Universiti Poly-Tech MARA Kuala Lumpur in Diploma in Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL). Last Thursday, November 3rd 2016, was my convocation day. I didn't want to go at first because I had been busy with assignments and shits and it involved group assignments so I thought it would be bad if I ditched them.

But I did anyway, my parents insisted me to attend the ceremony.

I didn't go for the rehearsal. I only went for the real convocation day. To be honest, I didn't really know what to feel that day. Of course I was happy, I managed to meet my girlfriends who had been so important in my 3-years there. Too bad we did not have too much time spent together as everyone was so busy with their own families, including me.

But that's not what I want to say today.

People would be saying "Alah, diploma ja pun". To those people who have been shoving this shit up into others' faces, please go to hell. I know it's "diploma ja pun" but we still worked hard for it. we struggled day in, day out just to reach to this day. we did shits we never thought we would be doing just for the sake of this one "diploma ja pun" scroll. we shed tears and experienced pain.

we gained it, so what's your problem?

what is your problem to let people down by saying "diploma ja pun"? All of us diploma holders, we deserved to be happy about this. To enjoy our day after all the shitty things we have faced in those 3 years. Yeah we were not lucky enough like you to skip this phase and went straight to degree but at least we have another qualification and mind you, we didn't ask for your money to pay for our educations so what's the problem again? why are you acting so bitter about this?

Can you please drop the act already?

I still can't fathom why some people have to be so bitter about us diploma graduates being so happy of graduating. I mean, come on. Does your mindset still as low as that? I'm not butthurt or what but it feels so sad to see these types of people acting shitty to us. I know that the struggles in degree's life is incomparable to diploma's but do you really that stupid to compare these two levels? Seriously people, it is like comparing the struggles in PHD with the school kids' struggles. Everyone does have their own struggles, so don't be so bitter to others. Do you ever hear us say "Alah degree ja pun, bukannya graduate master or PHD lagi"? Do you ever? So why the fuck you gotta be so mean to us? Urgh I'm annoyed of myself for caring enough about this matter to actually make a post of it.

The story behind the balloon:

My mom wanted to get me a bouquet of flowers but I said no because I didn't really like flowers and those flowers were going to be all dead and dried up soon. Then she said I kinda looked pathetic since everyone else had flowers or bouquets but I was empty handed. I left my family for awhile and came back to this balloon. My mom actually apologised because she knew I would prefer chocolate bouquet but there's none sold there so she had to go with a balloon *dreamy sigh*