Sunday, April 1, 2018

Confession #20

Today, I have crawled back into my blackest hole. One that I have vowed not to ever visit again. One that drags me to hit my lowest. One that I have left years ago and recovered in a hard way. All those years spent in recovering were forgotten for a moment. I was lost. I went back there. It was scary. I did not want to be there, it was so wrong to just even take a peek and actually entering the hole was much much worse. Although I went there for just a moment, a brief one, it was still terrifying. What would happen if I couldn’t get out? What would actually happen if I failed to restrain myself? The possibilities might eat me alive.

Monday, March 26, 2018


I have never been fond of birthdays since the ones I ever had were nothing good. All the bad things could have happened to me and they decided to drop the bombs on my birthdays so yeah my birthdays have always been some shitty days since forever. Guess my existence alone is shitty enough.

But that is not the point here.

On the last March 13th which was a Tuesday, I went through my day as usual. It was a hectic one, deadly tiring as usual. My schedule was packed since the morning, a lil bit of rest in the evening, and later at night, a meeting and then straight away to a tutorial class. But that tutorial was a casual one so we had it moved to an opened café. I was a bit late for the tutorial because I was attending a meeting. It was nothing odd. I made it to the meeting and went through it. When it was time to leave, Noraida said she wanted me to give her a ride. I said okay and started to walk to my car but then my arm was grabbed. Noraida said she needed to take her doughnuts in Hanani’s room. So me, Noraida, Hazwani and Sunisha headed to the back of the café – the shortcut to Hanani’s room. Out of the blue moon, as we were walking under the street lights in the dim light, in between of the café and the blocks, I could see my friends waiting in the middle of the pathway with balloons in their hands. And they started singing the Happy Birthday song. I was bewildered yet I started to sing along too with the “Whose birthday is it?” thought in my head. I literally had no clue. Noraida, Hazwani and Sunisha moved to the other side and started facing me – joining the others. I was more confused, “Was it for me? But it has been months?”. Just right in the moment, they mentioned my name in the song. I was sure then. It was mine lol.

What a great plan huh, celebrating it after two months?

But it was great. I liked how simple it was. They prepared me balloons, a slice of cake and a burger from The Kapit’s. Nothing festive about it, just us celebrating it in the dark. I like love that, really. But Caek-chan was being Caek-chan. I don’t know how to express the gratitude. All I can say is thank you. So, everyone – Hanani, Noraida, Hazwani, Aina, Sunisha, Atiqah, Hasni – thank you. You guys made my night and made me gained a kilo urgh but I ain’t complaining.