Friday, March 9, 2018


Isn’t it amazing how sometimes noises can calm you down? Like the sound of rain pouring down to wet the Earth, as your heart beating together to its rhythm without you even realising. Like the sound of wave hitting the land, as it is a symbol of your raging emotions being washed away little by little. Like the sound of music blasting loudly through your headphones, as they are trying so hard to win over all the battles that are happening inside you. Like the sound of chaotic traffic when you are kilometers away, as the vehicles honk to each other selfishly and move noisily. Like the sound of fireworks, as for whatever reason they somehow provide you with contentment and satisfaction once they explode here and there. And like the sound of ceiling fan that is spinning above your head, as it makes your soul comes out from your body when you stare at it long enough. Maybe this is where the safe and sound actually takes place, maybe this is what the phrase actually means.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Miserable At Its Best

2018 has not been good so far.

It is only almost March but I already feel like giving up. I did not do well in my exams. Well, some of them yeah but half of them was shitty. I can’t complain about it, I didn’t work hard enough thus I don’t have the right to cry for it. Unless if I want to cry out of regret. Then, my results came out. The last time my pointer had ever been this bad was during my high school days. I almost cried, but I didn’t. I couldn’t let myself to cry for getting this bad when it’s my fault to begin with. But to be honest, my grades have improved but the pointer didn’t because there’s a subject that pulled everything down with it. I was frustrated but constantly reminding myself that at least I don’t have to repeat the subject.

And then, there’s my acne breakouts from last year. It suddenly got so much worse and my face had never been this bad in my entire life. Everyone pitied me but it didn’t help my face getting any better. It is an allergic of make-up that triggered everything, and ever since then, my acne has been so active that I have started to get allergic of every food too. My face, both sides of my cheeks were badly swollen and they were so painful that I woke up with tears in my eyes every morning. I can’t eat anything I want as I used to, especially seafood and spicy food (which I live for), or my face would get so irritated, so itchy and so painful. I wanted to see the doctor but I haven’t gotten my allowance. I didn’t want to ask money from my parents as I had to ask them for advance money since I would only get my PTPTN’s allowance in March. My self-esteem has always been low and with all these breakouts on my face, it gets lower than ever. Everyone noticed about my face and told me to see the doctor. To tell them the fact that I couldn’t afford to see a doctor although it might be as cheap as RM30 is embarrassing. I feel extra vulnerable when it comes to money. Some people… they just don’t get it and refuse to understand that my parents aren’t the same as theirs. It rips me inside out.

I came back to Penang a bit early from the registration day because I had a fight with my parents. I left home in bad terms and I am the kind of person who usually gets paid (for my sin) in cash. So the first few days I spent in Penang was shitty af. I didn’t get the LHP455 subject that I wanted to take so I was pushed into waiting list, my car got clamped on the very first day at my usual parking spot, I overslept on my first class of QMT222, the access card to my apartment’s car park couldn’t be used, and some more. Not to mention that I was so sleepy during the drive back to Penang that I almost fell asleep but luckily I didn’t. I was in Penang only for 5 days and then I went back to my hometown as I had a doctor’s appointment and stayed at home straight until the Chinese New Year was over. My appointment was on Wednesday and I then skipped HXE229 class on Thursday which in the next class, the lecturer questioned the reason of my absence. Damn. It was shitty, I was miserable.

As I went back to my hometown, I fixed things with my parents. Everything got better with us, my heart felt lighter. But shitty things still happened regardless everything. I was assigned into the same group with someone whom I want to avoid the most, it was so stressful. I felt screwed up and emotionally disturbed so I did something immature and childish, something that I had never done before and never imagined I would have done it – I asked the lecturer if I could change group. Yep. The lecturer asked me “Why?” in a very nice way that I almost teared up in front of him. Maybe he saw the look on my face so he granted me his permission. After all I did end up crying because my friends noticed about me being in the same group with ‘her’ so they came swooning me asking me if I was okay when obviously my eyes were filled with tears waiting to fall. I don’t really hate this person, but I really really really dislike her because she has done so many awful things to my friends and me myself, or even to anyone who is to be nice to her. So I really want to avoid her, because she’s toxic. Rather than being in her group and then talk about her behind her back, getting stressed because of her all over again, I think avoidance is the best way for me. I already have no choice but to deal with her in St. John and TESOL, so I don’t want to encounter with her more than that. I am doing this for myself. And I am so thankful that the lecturer let me changed the group.

As I am writing this, my face is swollen and painful again. This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes again. Maybe because these past few nights I had not been washing my face properly before going to sleep and I also had been sleeping on one side. Ever since the breakouts, my face has been so sensitive even for the smallest things. I get tired of being cautious all the time and of everything sometimes but hey, all I need is patience. Even the ones who went to doctors, they still needed to wait for 6 months to recover. Now it’s only been almost two months, I think I’ll be fine. Let’s just pray that I’ll recover soon and shitty things would stop happening to me.

A friend once said that my life is a nightmare. I was offended, but he was right.