Monday, August 21, 2017

One Final Letter

Dear you,
This is not written to beg you asking you to come back. No, I am seriously done trying this time. So, this is a letter which I’m telling you of the things I am thanking you for and how I am finally letting you go, for good. I mean it this time.

Dear you,
This is written in the middle of the night. Or early in the morning since it has passed midnight now lol. You know about my insomnia thingy, right? To suddenly wake up in the middle of the night because of mosquitoes or stuff or sometimes for no absolute reason at all. Ah, you forgot. Of course you did. My bad, I’m sorry. I’m still bitter thinking about how things have ended between us. I guess I’m a bit immature but I can’t help myself, so deal with it until you have finally finished reading this. (But you won’t be reading this *smirk*)

Dear you,
You know who you are. I am so thankful of you for letting me had a taste of a better version of myself. As much as I am bitter about us, I am more grateful than I finally lived a life. A calmer soul. You turnt me into something whom I didn’t expect I was capable of. I was at my lowest point and was trying to rebound when you happened. And you healed me. Not completely, but I was healed enough to finally put myself at ease again. Those few months you were there for me lending your shoulders whenever I needed them. You were there when I was sick. You were there when I had no one to talk about. You were there when I needed someone to depend on, to hold me as I was seconds away from crumbling although you did realise that I was nothing but only a burden to you. You were there. And for that, I couldn’t ever thank you enough.

Dear you,
Someone who knew about us (let’s pretend as we did have an ‘us’) thought I was more broken-hearted because of you compared to my break up with my 4-year boyfriend. That someone was wrong. I was broken-hearted because both of you, yes, but you were the one who made me resent myself so much. The heart-breaking break up with my former boyfriend….. well, at least I am sure that he actually loved me even for a bit. But you, I don’t think you even cared about me. You made me resent myself so much because ever since you walked through the door out of my life, I can’t help myself but keep on doubting myself in everything. I mean, how stupid I could be? Why did I let my wall down so easily? How did I trust you so fast? Why the fuck I fell for someone in just a couple of months? Etcetera. More questions come bugging me from time to time, squeezing my brain for the answers. So you, bruh, you literally raised me up so high in the sky just to let me fall hard and quick into the ground.

Dear you,
I have lost so many people in my life; those whom I lost were the ones who meant so much to me yet I gave up on them without even trying to make them stay. When I was younger, I lost one of my dear best friends. I didn’t run after her. Indeed, I watched her walked away from me. A few years later, I had a fight with my another best friend and I gave up right away. Did I cry? Hell yeah, I did. I cried night after night, thinking where did I do wrong. I cried from time to time, thinking of the things that I couldn’t share with them. I cried a lot, until I was finally tired of crying. I didn’t make any effort to stop them then because I have always thought that people would stay if they wanted to. But for you, bruh, I put that aside. I put effort on you. I actually ran after you. I tried to pull you back, I didn’t want to lose you like I lost the others. I tried again and again, even when I was about to die of embarrassment knowing how pathetic it was to beg for someone to stay as they wanted to leave so bad. I wanted you to keep being my shoulders so much that I promised myself to never let you found the truth of my feelings towards you because I knew well that you would leave once you learnt the truth and I was not wrong. Didn’t you realise I had been throwing you a fullstop everytime the the 'thing' between us was getting out of hand? Every single time, I would be the one who put the fullstop and shut the door. But in the end, I was still the one who you blamed. Wow. Okay. So yeah, I am done trying. I am done begging. I am totally done. I told myself that it was a good thing I didn’t fight when people chose to leave, because obviously the fight would go to waste. People would still go if they wanted to and you would be the one who was left behind, wounded.

Dear you,
I’m sorry I got a bit carried away as I am writing this but fuck it. I need to end things properly even if it means I’m pushing the pink flesh of wound again. You had done many good things to me and I really appreciate that. I appreciate that you helped me with stuff and became my spirit booster when I desperately needed one. I appreciate that you once happened to me. But what I don’t appreciate is you continuously popping in and out of my life. Every single time I was doing fine, you would be popping in and then gone again. It’s tiring as fuck. If you wanted to be my friend again, you should have acted like one but you didn’t so yeah I knew it. Chill.

Dear you,
As much as I’ve been listening to Tablo’s Eyes Nose Lips, I am not wishing you hell. Frankly speaking, I am wishing you neither hell nor well. Of course you once made me happy, but you made me suffer too. You stabbed me when I needed you the most. So no matter how childish I might sound because of this, I would say it’s fair.

Dear you,
Please go, and never come back.

Your former ‘kekasih gelap’,
Caek-chan.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Home

I am hurt, again.

Few days ago I’ve come to know something that I wish I didn’t know although I have to admit that knowing it is what’s the best for me. The hurtful truth shattered my heartland. I thought the wound I have all these time was the deepest wound I could ever get, but I was wrong. I guess it’s true when people say that numbing the pain will only make things worse.  I didn’t believe it before yet now the truth of this saying has come slapping me hard in the face, forcing my eyes to go all wide. I believe it now. Of course we have to go through the first-hand experience in everything to wake up from the dream we insist in staying. I was slapped hard in the face, splashed with heart-cold water and kicked down the edge of the mountain.  Am I hurt? I am. I hurt so much and it annoys me. I get irritated so much of myself, of my capability in feeling things that I refuse to feel; things that I don’t want to let through me. I am hurt, but I feel like I am heading towards numbness again. I really hope this time I would stay in the numbness forever, without having to wipe clean the blood that flowing through from the painful wound from time to time. From numbness, I'm going back to pain. Pain almost equals to sadness. Everything will eventually come back to sadness. Yet I believe that I will be fine and I refuse to believe any other way although fine is a very subjective word here. I believe I need to stop feeling things, especially the slightest ones.


I believe in Tablo when he says “Sadness is home”.