Friday, December 15, 2017

Confession #18

Is it crucial to have a relationship in my age? I don’t know… maybe yes or maybe not. It depends on the person. A lot of my friends have gotten married, some of them are even gifted with babies now. And me? Here I am, still jamming to my favourite songs like all the time, have mental breakdowns from time to time, cry myself to sleep at nights and sometimes even cry when I’m hungry lmao. But yeah, that’s what I have ever been so far.

Do I wish to act like a grown up?

Indeed, I do. I want to be seen as someone matured, someone who will be able to carry herself all the time despites the fact that she is going through her toughest times. I want to be someone who people can look up for. Someone who is dependable. Someone who my family can finally be proud of. Someone who people give respect to. I want to be this someone. And I miserably failed in achieving it.

Why?

Because I rant too much. I whine about my difficulties. I have never been grateful enough for what I have. God up there must be saying how an ungrateful lass I am although He has actually given me more than I deserve. I should change myself – this is what I have been telling myself all this time. I tried to speak less, be firmer than before. I try to change. I want to be different. I don’t know if it’s a good different or not, but I still want it.

And it feels damn weird.

What does feel weird? Everything. Everything seems weird to me. It is just… odd. I know people change, but the changes that I have been witnessing around me are severe. I am having hard times just trying to digest and adapt to the changes happening around me. It feels as everything is moving at awfully fast pace; as everyone is walking waaaaay ahead of me and I am left alone behind, completely unaware of my surroundings. It’s a terrifying view. I feel trapped. I feel so small. I want to talk to my friends, I’ve missed my friends. But they have their own families now. They are at their own levels. And I feel as I am just a tiny little bean trying to have some attention here and ignored because uh duhhh I don’t really keep in touch with people??? So once they are married, have babies or moving further, I feel as the door has been slammed in front of my face. It feels terrible. I have mixed feelings. I feel happy for them yet I am mourning for whatever that I myself am uncertain about. I find it hard to reach to my friends once they are married or away. I feel as there is a gap between me and them; an invisible boundary that separates me from them. I feel awkward.


I don’t like this feeling. 

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

This Man

This man… we first met on Friendster (yes, Friendster) so many years ago and have become friends ever since then. Imagine how many phases have we gone through – from Friendster, Yahoo! Messenger, getting each other’s numbers, MySpace, Tagged (wtf), Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We only met in real life for a few times but God knows how much I treasure this friendship. This man is the only person who calls me ‘dak kecik’ despites the fact that I am not that kecik anymore. Pakcik, I am 10 years older than the time we first knew each other okayyyy /facepalm/ but it’s okay, I don’t really mind that. This man… had to listen to me whining and complaining about how hard life was when I first entered boarding school. This man literally told his friends that he was talking to his ‘anak menakan’ when being asked and passed the phone to them so I could confirm it with them lmao. This man… he was the one who kept giving me advice at times when I least expected. This man… has never forgot to wish me on eid and birthday. This man… he was and still is one of the people I look up to. This man… is all grown up.

This man… is now married.


Credit to: Salimah Ismail

Happy married, pakcik! I really feel bad about not going to your wedding reception because I’ve missed ya and we haven’t met each other for so long and now you’re married and I can’t believe this because it feels as only yesterday I talked to you through my hostel’s public phone under the stairs just to complain about my stupid insecurities and shits. And now you’re married. Oh God, that’s a very big responsibility for you to carry but you are one of the best people I know ever. I believe you’ll be a good husband to my makcik hehe. Take care of my makcik okay pandai cari ha makcik segak hiks. Makcik should take care of my pakcik gak haha urgh just take care of each other okay?! I wish both of you eternal happiness and may He give you strengths to go through any upcoming difficulties in life. May He bless you with all the happiness you two deserve and grant you with whatever you wish for. I’m sorry lmao I want to write something for ya but I can’t write a beautiful one so here is a non-pretty open letter for ya. See ya when I see ya!

Your favourite anak menakan,
Syahirah Berhan

P/s: Nanti kecik kahwin pakcik kena mai!
P/ss: You’re employed and married now, kena start bagi kecik duit raya!