Wednesday, June 7, 2017

MTBD

I had a sudden mental breakdown again tonight.

It had been awhile since the last time I had one but it still sucks. Today, realised that I was acting a little bit weird but I thought it was just one of my feelings since I have always been weird. For some reasons, I actually felt off- as the emptiness was deeper than usual. I didn’t know why but I chose not to think about it too much and proceeded with my life. Later in the evening, I went for dinner alone today. Having dinner alone didn’t make me sad. Instead, it made me felt self-cautious. I constantly felt like being pitied for eating alone by people there and it felt so wrong. I didn’t like that. I don’t like that.

Everything was okay until I got back into my car.

Once I got back into my car, I felt the sudden need of eating sundae ice-cream which is it’s actually one of my comforting tools. I felt like I really needed it but I ignored the feeling as I told myself I was actually okay. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t having a breakdown. I was perfectly fine. I didn’t need sundae. So I left without buying sundae.

And then, at the traffic light.

The traffic light in front of my uni’s gate is known for taking forever to change its light. So I was on my phone, scrolling Twitter as usual. Out of the blue, I was hit by a wave of sadness. I felt sad. I grieved. I was so close to tearing up but I tried my best not to let it consumed me. The light had not changed yet. I felt overpowering. I wanted to breathe ocean’s smell. I wanted to see beautiful view. I wanted to have certain people being beside me. I felt trapped in my own self. I wanted to escape. But it’s already night. I couldn’t go anywhere that I’m not familiar with alone at night. I felt bad. I felt like a great loser.

The light had finally changed.

I changed my gear and started driving. I didn’t want to go back into campus. I didn’t want to go back into my room. I wanted a getaway. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wanted to breathe. But I still continued to drive back to my hostel. I drove around the parking lot for a few times because I was delaying my time. Then, I parked my car and changed my CD from Big Bang’s to KAT-TUN’s. Harukana Yakusoku (The Distant’s Oath) started playing. I don’t know how this song works on me but it has always made me feel like it is shattering my soul yet mending it at the same time. It is like my spirit song. The one I listen to whenever I feel so helpless and vulnerable but want to get up immediately right after the fall. So I listened to the song and started to repeat the song again once it had finished. By that moment, I realised that I was not okay. I would know that I was actually deep in some shits when I bought sundae or repeating Harukana Yakusoku non-stop. It hit me then and there. I started focusing on the lyrics and before I knew it, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was crying silently. I told myself that I was okay, I was fine.

I tried to talk myself into it but failed.

I made an instastory hoping that I would get distracted from everything and continued to cry. I could not stop crying and kept on repeating the song again and again. It felt suffocating but I wanted to stay in my car. I wanted to sleep there if I could. But I couldn’t so I just curled in the driver’s seat and cried some more. A moment later, I checked my phone. There, him- replying to one of my instastories. I saw his name on the notification and started sobbing loudly. I’ve missed him. I was with him only for a few months but I have missed him so much. I wanted him to comfort me like he always did before. I wanted him to be there for me whenever I wanted him to. I wanted him to listen to my bullshits. No, I don’t want him as my boyfriend although I did like him before. He left because he found out about my feeling towards him and I still blame myself for losing one of the best guys in my life. But then and now, I have always wanted him just as my good friend and nothing more. I want to lean on him again and cried on his shoulder every time I feel bad.

Is that too much to ask?

And then there’s one of my best girlfriends. She replied to my instastory too. She started nagging about me isolating myself from people and being stressed out all the time. She was angry at me lol. She actually told me to stop making her feels worried since we are not in the same college anymore and Penang-KL are not that near for us to easily have meet-ups whenever we feel like it. I said I was sorry, I didn’t mean to make her feels worried about me aaaaand of course she had to continue her nagging. I cried even louder. I want to hug her. I’ve missed her too much. I want her here with me. I want to be there with her. She kept on nagging and I kept on crying. I love this girl. What did I do to deserve this girl in my life? Sadly, I met her way too late. I wish we were in the same school so I could be excused from some pain I felt earlier in my life.

I pity myself.

I pity myself for not being good enough to my own self. I deserve more than all this pain. On top of that, I pity others who are I’m so clingy and attached to. That’s why I have stopped opening up to people. I can’t risk myself again. I am such a mess when I’m having mental breakdowns. I would constantly need some particular people’s attention and they might not be able to give me that. I would need them to provide me comfort. I would want them to ease my pain. And whenever they couldn’t be there for me, the desperate need would turn into physical pain. It’s not their fault but I still can’t risk anything. Fgs, they have their own lives to live. They have their own problems to deal with. They have so much things to be worried about rather than thinking about me and my mental breakdowns. They don’t deserve this tortures. That’s why I can’t open up to people anymore. I can’t be that selfish- to be a burden in some people’s lives when they already have their own baggage to carry. I can’t open up. I can’t be egoistic. I need to lift myself up on my own.

I need to be strong, for my own sake.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Kuala Lumpur

We only appreciate something when it is gone. Well, it’s true.

Often enough we take things for granted, no matter how small that thing is. And it is bad enough that all it takes to sober us up is to lose it. Just then we will miss everything, appreciate everything. It sucks to be that kind of human but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves.

And now, in this very moment, I really am missing Kuala Lumpur.



Some of you know how much I had been complaining about being in KL and stuff but yes, I miss being in KL right now. I miss being in KL so much that once I had to pull over at the roadside while driving alone at night on my way to dinner and everything just hit me up so bad that I had to call someone and cried my heart out. I can’t believe this myself but it’s the truth and it makes sense too because KL was a small part of me although I didn’t go to many places and barely remember the roads there.

I miss living in the old and creepy Institut Maxisegar building.

I miss being picked up or picking someone’s up whenever one of us came back passed our curfew. I miss watching TV in the living room with strangers. I miss waking up at midnight and saw Athirah’s sleepy face. I miss waking up to the sound of people opening and closing their lockers. I miss being awaken by my roommates for subuh. I miss spreading my body in the living room when it’s too hot to be in bed. I miss climbing up to my bed. I miss being taught kak Nur. I miss listening to Oya and Khalilah’s bickering. I miss being spoilt by Afrinaa. I miss Kak Aainaa’s songs. I miss receiving compliments about my hair and body from Shiraak. I miss having Hanani buying me food whenever I didn’t feel like leaving my bed. I miss eating maggi together with people from the other room. I miss the fun. I miss wearing matching ‘baju kelawar’ with Maxisegar warriors. I miss the bakso across the road. I miss being terrified together with the others when it was raining heavily or thunderstorms. I miss the view from the 12th floor. I miss seeing all of us running to the windows with our handphones in hands just to take pictures of the sunset. I miss watching them went crazy. I miss Oya and Ira’s wild dance. I miss the loudness.

I miss the college.

I miss the small college with elevators. I miss hanging out at UniKL and ogling guys. I miss the food around there. I miss eating chicken black pepper at the ‘tempoyak’ stall. I miss the crowd at those warungs. I miss waiting for RapidKL to go to classes. I miss walking back alone from college under the scorching hot sun. I miss the confusing plan of the building. I miss sitting on my favourite bench whilst listening to my songs and observed people.

I miss the circles.

I miss my girlfriends- MD. I miss going out with the girls to do whatsoever. I miss my lovely classmates. I miss the cool lecturers. I miss bumping into anyone from my high school. I miss eating lunch with Rafiq. I miss my Srikandas, eating dinner or whatever because they loved me too much. I could tell. I miss going back to Keramat for once in awhile. I miss having packed schedule- my friends had to make appointments with me for dinner because I always had company lol. I miss seeing some people. I miss receiving surprise visits from bae. I miss having lots of acquaintances.

I miss the trips.

I miss the impromptu trips. I miss the sudden trips with Afrinaa just for the sake of my book addict. I miss having something to look forward to for weekends like you had plans but you didn’t really had plans. I miss going to the hot air balloon fiesta with bae who came all the way from Johor just to cheer me up a bit. I miss buying books from Bookalicious and hearing Leon's laughs. I miss having someone to drive me around. I miss letting someone else driving my car. I miss just being the car while someone else's driving with nowhere to go. I miss going on bookstore hopping. I miss riding at the back of Ajoy’s housemate’s Grand Livina at 3 in the morning because Ajoy brought all his housemates just to send me off at the airport lol. I miss driving at the highways. I miss the fun I had. I miss being content.

I am missing everything.

Well, maybe, just maybe, I would probably feel the same way once I left Penang too. For now, I haven’t found any happiness here. Sure, I do feel happy at times but I can’t say if there are pure happiness in me or nope. Then again, I only found my true happiness in KL during my second year of diploma so it might work the same here too. I need to stay calm, still got another 3 years here lol. Everything will be fine at the end. I hope it will. I wish myself to be happy as it is. I wish I will stop sulking randomly.


Be happy, asshole.