Sunday, February 11, 2018

Confession #19

Am I lonely?

I have always realised that I am sort of a loner. A lone ranger – that’s what I’ve been telling myself all these while. And I am definitely okay with it, with myself. Being alone… I find peace in solitude. Being alone is fine. Being alone is good for me to recharge after people drain me dry. But what I am not fine about is being looked at whenever I’m out alone, especially when I’m eating out. People would just look at me and some of them don’t even bother to move their stare when my eyes meet theirs. It’s disturbing because in some of those eyes, I could find pity. I don’t need that. I’d rather being looked as the weird lonely girl instead of being pitied at. There’s nothing to be pitied for. I am fine. I understand that they have no idea about what I have in mind but mind you that it is rude to stare. Let a girl eats in peace, would you?

My bubble of peacefulness could be easily popped by the stares of pity.

I might be alone but I am not lonely. Although I gotta admit that there are times when I would suddenly be hit by sudden loneliness in the middle of nowhere and instantly get severely absorbed by the feeling right there and then. No matter where and when or how many people I’m with. I could be surrounded by my loud friends yet still couldn’t dodge the loneliness that’s striking me. Pathetic? No. I don’t see myself that way. At least not in that particular aspect anyway.

I’m fine.

During my recent birthday, I got wishes by my friends. They told me not to always be alone, to join them whenever they’re out. I feel sorry for them because I don’t think I can change myself. I like myself being this way. I like myself eating alone. I like myself getting fresh air alone. I like myself thinking alone in my car. I like myself going out for shopping alone. I like myself this way – that I don’t really have to cling to someone. I have always hated myself for being clingy, for being too dependent on someone and easily attached. I hate it. I loathe myself for it. That’s why I have slowly changed to a lonesome girl. I like myself better this way. That’s the most important thing for me right now – liking, loving and forgiving myself. Making peace within oneself before making peace with others.

You might consider me as a shitty lonely human being, it’s not entirely wrong.

But I’m still fine. I’m fine, although there are mornings that I wake up hoping to get a good morning text from someone. I’m fine, although there are nights when I refuse to go to sleep before getting a goodnight text from someone. I’m fine, although there are times when I come home after a long day and wanting to talk to someone but have no one to talk to. I’m fine, although there are times when good things happen and I just want to share it with someone but realise I have no one to share it with. I’m fine, although I usually envy seeing people’s friendship or relationships. I’m fine, although there are times when I wish I could talk to my family just like some other people do. I’m fine, although there are times when I think this queen size bed I’ve been sleeping on in my rental house is too big for me and me alone. I’m fine, although there are times when I wish my phone would ring randomly just because the person at the other side wants to talk to me. I’m fine, although there are times when I stare at the ceiling while listening to songs and cry myself to sleep because of no reason at all. I’m fine, although sometimes I wish someone would pick me up without needing me asking for it. I’m fine – despite all the althoughs and all the times that loneliness hits me without a heads up or mercy, I’m fine.

I’m fine. Even when I’m not, I’ll be fine again.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

23 = 2018

I have been wanting to write this but of course my not-so-inert procrastination ghost had won over me urgh. Well, moshimoshi! The writer of this blog has turned 23 in last January yay(?). Uh, 23 is so abstract. I mean, it’s the age where you are too old for certain things yet too young for some others; the age where you witness your friends accomplishing this and that; the age where you think you gotta figure yourself out. I don’t really know which one is the right thing to do or accomplish in this age. If there’s even any lah…

Since my 22-year-old ass did fi(okay)ne, I really hope this older me will do better and make up for all the not-so-good things that are written in the previous post. Are there any specific resolutions? Nah, I don’t think so. Just some wishes to myself. Wait, are they considered as resolutions too? Dang man, I’m a bit lost here. My mind is all over the place.

Wishes for my 23-year-old self:
  1. Make peace with self.
  2. Actually live.
  3. Make peace with self.
  4. Gain some money.
  5. Make peace with self.
  6. Be selfish yet kinder.
  7. Make peace with self.

That’s it. I have some specific wishes or stuff that I hope to cross them out this year but nah I think I will just keep them to myself because I’m pretty sure that the list is endless and I really doubt I could cross at least half of them before 2019 so yeah.

Hope 2018 is doing well for ya!