2018 has not been good so far.
It is only almost March but I already feel like
giving up. I did not do well in my exams. Well, some of them yeah but half of
them was shitty. I can’t complain about it, I didn’t work hard enough thus I
don’t have the right to cry for it. Unless if I want to cry out of regret.
Then, my results came out. The last time my pointer had ever been this bad was
during my high school days. I almost cried, but I didn’t. I couldn’t let myself
to cry for getting this bad when it’s my fault to begin with. But to be honest,
my grades have improved but the pointer didn’t because there’s a subject that
pulled everything down with it. I was frustrated but constantly reminding
myself that at least I don’t have to repeat the subject.
And then, there’s my acne breakouts from last
year. It suddenly got so much worse and my face had never been this bad in my
entire life. Everyone pitied me but it didn’t help my face getting any better. It
is an allergic of make-up that triggered everything, and ever since then, my
acne has been so active that I have started to get allergic of every food too. My
face, both sides of my cheeks were badly swollen and they were so painful that
I woke up with tears in my eyes every morning. I can’t eat anything I want as I
used to, especially seafood and spicy food (which I live for), or my face would
get so irritated, so itchy and so painful. I wanted to see the doctor but I
haven’t gotten my allowance. I didn’t want to ask money from my parents as I
had to ask them for advance money since I would only get my PTPTN’s allowance
in March. My self-esteem has always been low and with all these breakouts on my
face, it gets lower than ever. Everyone noticed about my face and told me to
see the doctor. To tell them the fact that I couldn’t afford to see a doctor
although it might be as cheap as RM30 is embarrassing. I feel extra vulnerable
when it comes to money. Some people… they just don’t get it and refuse to
understand that my parents aren’t the same as theirs. It rips me inside out.
I came back to Penang a bit early from the
registration day because I had a fight with my parents. I left home in bad
terms and I am the kind of person who usually gets paid (for my sin) in cash.
So the first few days I spent in Penang was shitty af. I didn’t get the LHP455
subject that I wanted to take so I was pushed into waiting list, my car got
clamped on the very first day at my usual parking spot, I overslept on my first
class of QMT222, the access card to my apartment’s car park couldn’t be used,
and some more. Not to mention that I was so sleepy during the drive back to
Penang that I almost fell asleep but luckily I didn’t. I was in Penang only for
5 days and then I went back to my hometown as I had a doctor’s appointment and
stayed at home straight until the Chinese New Year was over. My appointment was
on Wednesday and I then skipped HXE229 class on Thursday which in the next
class, the lecturer questioned the reason of my absence. Damn. It was shitty, I
was miserable.
As I went back to my hometown, I fixed things
with my parents. Everything got better with us, my heart felt lighter. But
shitty things still happened regardless everything. I was assigned into the
same group with someone whom I want to avoid the most, it was so stressful. I
felt screwed up and emotionally disturbed so I did something immature and childish,
something that I had never done before and never imagined I would have done it –
I asked the lecturer if I could change group. Yep. The lecturer asked me “Why?”
in a very nice way that I almost teared up in front of him. Maybe he saw the
look on my face so he granted me his permission. After all I did end up crying
because my friends noticed about me being in the same group with ‘her’ so they
came swooning me asking me if I was okay when obviously my eyes were filled with
tears waiting to fall. I don’t really hate this person, but I really really
really dislike her because she has done so many awful things to my friends and
me myself, or even to anyone who is to be nice to her. So I really want to
avoid her, because she’s toxic. Rather than being in her group and then talk
about her behind her back, getting stressed because of her all over again, I
think avoidance is the best way for me. I already have no choice but to deal
with her in St. John and TESOL, so I don’t want to encounter with her more than
that. I am doing this for myself. And I am so thankful that the lecturer let me
changed the group.
As I am writing this, my face is swollen and
painful again. This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes again. Maybe
because these past few nights I had not been washing my face properly before
going to sleep and I also had been sleeping on one side. Ever since the
breakouts, my face has been so sensitive even for the smallest things. I get
tired of being cautious all the time and of everything sometimes but hey, all I
need is patience. Even the ones who went to doctors, they still needed to wait
for 6 months to recover. Now it’s only been almost two months, I think I’ll be
fine. Let’s just pray that I’ll recover soon and shitty things would stop
happening to me.
A friend once said that my life is a nightmare.
I was offended, but he was right.
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