Monologue

I have always wondered, what does it feel like to be a people person? To be easy in building bonds with people, to be nice to others without having to fake a shit, to be natural in interacting with them?

Frankly speaking, I really can't tell if I am an introvert, extrovert or both but I have always seen myself as an introvert. I prefer to be alone in my very own space, thinking uninvited thoughts on my own that sometimes I would be thinking too loud that I don't realise it's actually really quiet in reality. But there will be times when I would think that the silence is too loud that I am desperate to get out from the situation by hook or by crook, even if I have to talk to myself, I would do that. I want to be alone whenever I have people around me but will crave for a companion whenever I'm not. It's frustrating, because I usually long for people who don't want to be with me. And I found myself tend to get more addicted to being alone whenever I get turned down by people whom I actually want to spend time with. It's pathetic, isn't?

Maybe that is why I love to observe people.

I always spend my time observing people, no matter where I am. I would be looking here and there, watching them moving their hands, lips, eyes, hands, and feet. Their body gestures and everything, I usually find them fascinating and get mesmerised. Isn't it weird how one could feel happy just by having their eyes on others, looking every moves made? Isn't it? Somehow, the feeling is indescribably beautiful.

God, I have strayed from the real point.

People persons- I have always found them amazing. And simply annoying sometimes (because some of them are really annoying, I swear). As I think about them, I would question myself how do they do it? Being nice to others, simply click to strangers just in a blink of an eye. How? I tried to be nice to strangers, to act like I am nothing but nice despite the facts that I don't like to meet new people and awkward as fuck. But of course I failed to do so. It didn't feel right every time I tried to, it felt like I was pretending and only vomiting lies to them. Those people did not deserve that. They deserved someone who was sincere, who truly wanted to meet them, to make friends with them and actually wanted to build bonds with them. And that someone wasn't me.

So, how? How to be kind? How to be nice from the heart?