Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Confession #11

I am lost.

Lost in myself. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in this world which is full of crowd. But the worst of all is, I think I have lost me.

Why? Well, I have number of reasons. I guess.

First of all, my freaking love life. I dumped someone who used to be my everything. Who was there for me through ups and downs and still there for me when I was at my worst. I did appreciate everything he had done for me but I was too broken to fix my own self. He was there, but I didn't know where his heart was. He was there, but I was taken for granted. I had seen how he loved someone else before me, and I knew that he could never look at me the way he looked at her. It was heartbreaking to love someone whom you knew was not giving all of him to you. Plus, I was not in the shape of loving myself, do you think I would have a heart to let him love someone as screwed up as me?

So that is one
Secondly, future scares the shit out of me. I have just finished my diploma and still waiting for my final results. Of course I am freaking out /sigh/ I had applied to some local universities and the main programs I'd applied to would require interviews. Guess what? I did not get the interviews. Out of four interviews, I only got one which I am pretty sure I just screwed it up. Hell, I even cried after the interview. Twice. Lol. I don't even sure why did I cry. Maybe because I was too shocked that the interview didn't go as well as I thought it would be but He has His plans, aye?

So that makes them two.

All in all, I have too many thoughts in my mind and I can't help myself from entertaining all the negative ones. I try to dodge them but it only makes things worse. I hate it. And I hate it when I feel vulnerable of people whom I let in; whom I know that they can walk out from my life once they realise that I am too much to handle with, that I am too fucked up to be fixed. I can't blame them, really. As I said- I myself can't even love me, how am I supposed to let you love me?

"Take away the sugar-coated comfort, 
Tonight, I'll be crooked"