S.O.S

I have a friend who will be receiving her degree in two months but here I am, still adapting.

Sometimes I hate being me- I hate it when I could do nothing but to feel unnecessary feelings, to think those unnecessary thoughts or even to know unnecessary stuff. I hate that I could not do anything but to let myself feel, think and know those things. I hate that I am weak enough to let those things flow in me and end up drowning me that I have to struggle real hard just to make sure I could breathe perfectly fine. I mean, gdi can I please control those shits?

I know life won't spare you any mercy but He will.

It has been almost two months now since I entered my so called degree life. Two months and I am still adapting. Two months and I am still struggling. Two months and I still hate people. Two months and my self-esteem is still nowhere to be seen. Two months and I am still as passive as ever. Two months and my maturity is still the same. Two months and I still cry myself to sleep. Two months... and I have cried more than I did when I was in my first year of diploma.

I'm calling for an S.O.S here.

Fgs lah I am only studying in Penang which is only two hours away from home but this time feels so much worse than before. It has only been two months and everything has been so hectic for me. And for the fact that I hate people, it is not helping at all. I have been trying to be nice to everyone but ffs most of the English programme students here aren't liked by the others. I don't know what's their problem is but as much as I dislike people, I found it disturbing too. So yeah, being hated does not help me in adapting here.

Can people stop giving me reasons to hate them even more?

Have you ever been doing your life chores as normal as you would always have and out of the blue, you burst into tears? Before you realised it, you were sobbing like crazy and you couldn't stop that you literally had to beg yourself to stop as the tears kept on falling down your face and negative thoughts were pouring into your mind that you were completely drowned in them? I really can't tell if it's the stress, anxiety or depression but whatever it is, I don't like it even for a bit. This shit needs to be stopped. I am not strong enough to face more years being like this.

I gotta get stronger, I have to.

That day when I had mental breakdown, I texted someone hoping he could offer me some comforts as he usually did even when he didn't have the intention to do so. I told him that I was having a mental breakdown and how I still couldn't adapt to degree life just yet. His reply was, "Degree life is sure hard, don't complain too much.". I don't know if it's the truth in his words that hurt me or the fact that he actually said that, but those sentences stabbed me right through my heart. I am well aware that I am not the only one who's doing degree right now or having difficulties with it, but it's not like I am really complaining about it- it's more like I want to express this to someone because I can't keep it in my chest anymore. Some people just can't understand that. Well of course they won't understand especially when it comes to me because I myself can't understand myself either.

People and me myself drain the fuck out of me, I need a freaking break.