Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Another day

She’s trembling.

She’s hurt.

She’s desperate.

“Breathe. Remember to breathe”, she kept on repeating that sentence while the truth was she had forgotten the way. She needed fresh air as bad as a baby goldfish wriggled for water on a dry surface. “Breathe, please.” She needed to breathe, for the sake of herself and also her sanity. She was losing it. Her brain was losing it. Car key was grabbed hurriedly. She rushed towards her car- her safety capsule, her cocoon, her bubble. She got into her car, started the engine and played her CD. It was that song. That song was busting through the speakers on repeat as her tears rolled down her cheeks, unstoppable. She had her forehead laid against the steering and sobbed her heart out. One hand was clutching her heart, demanding its pain to fade.

Head raised. She felt better.

It was wonderful how the song worked on her. The song- it could shatter her heart but somehow mend it at the very same time. She didn’t really understand that herself, but she loved the magic it had on her. It was like a poison that could kill you first before it saved you. She calmed down. She was finally at ease. But she needed to figure her mind out- that overloaded mind in that empty soul. It was dangerous, and maddening. More or less, she was still hungry after fresh air and her safety bubble did not have that provided for her so she had to go out. The driving was done absent-mindedly, it was a miracle she didn’t hit anyone. Arrived somewhere, the car park was almost full. She found a spot, parked her car and went out. She went out. Went out into the world. Went out into defensive mode. Went out with a mask on.

Stood straight. Fists clenching. Fear came.

She had never done this before, going out all alone at late night. “It’s fine. I’m going to be fine,” she walked lazily passing over strangers and finally sat on an empty bench at the park. Her head was down. Her eyes were fixed on her fingers. “Don’t. Don’t do it. You will be okay again,” she bit her lower lip. Hard. The pain was nothing. She wanted to hurt herself. She suddenly felt numb after the pain she suffered earlier. Did she feel numb or she had come to desire the pain? She did not know. Both of her hands were locked together. She didn’t trust herself not to do it. She just couldn’t. She didn’t want to do it- to call someone begging for comfort just because he had that in him. She’s desperate, yes. But she was trying hard not to downgrade herself that much. A sob came, she held it in. “You will endure this and you will survive,” she talked herself into it. She actually begged herself. Eyes were closed for a while, trying to conceal the pain deep in her soul. Eyes opened. Chin lifted. She’s fine now. She believed she was. The cold night wind touched her face softly as it was trying to wipe away her tears and comfort her troubled heart. It worked. She was not totally healed, but she’s moving ahead. She would be fine. She knew she would. She had to.

So she did. She didn’t call him. She survived another day without him.

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