Friend

Friend; define friend.

There were times when I would be bumping into some folks whom I knew when I was walking with some friends and they would say, “Wow, you’ve got many friends”. I would shush them away by saying something as “They are not friends, they are just some acquaintances”.

Because it is the truth.

There are people who are not actually our friends. They are just a bunch of people who accidentally appeared in our lives, made a spot in it and left us knowing nothing about them; a bunch of people who say meaningless hi or give meaningless nods to each other. Can we call them friends when they are just some random people who happened to be involved with us?

I don’t think so.

As I grow older, I tend to make less friends. I can’t bother about people anymore; as some people say “It’s quality that matters, not quantity”. I won’t argue with that. But that’s not my intention whenever I chose to stay in my small circles or my safety cocoon. When I was younger (specifically, when I was in high school), I used to think how important it was to know people- to at least have connections. I would add seniors on Facebook with the ‘Notice me, senpai’ thought in mind. Since I wasn’t a beauty with brain, which is *sobs* I still am *sobs*, I would try my best to make myself useful so people would be ‘friend’ with me. Camera, laptop, etc., I used them so people could use me. I used whatever I got to make them come to me. I used them because I wanted to be used even though I would end up crying from time to time because oh god it did hurt when you realised you were actually being used by your ‘friends’, when you realised you were just someone who could be replaced in no time, when you realised you actually meant nothing to them. But I buried those pain deep inside me and convinced myself that it was okay to be hurt because of that- it was worth the pain. That was how much I wanted to be involved with people. That was how much I thought connections were important. That was how much I desired some ‘friends’.

But that was the old me. Did I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Never.

I was stupid and hurt. I let myself being used. I actually liked people who didn’t even like me. I was left with scars which I still have them tattooed on me. To be frank, I have been feeling better although sometimes thinking about the past would turn me into one soppy bitch and it would usually last for days. So when I grew older, I stopped throwing the word ‘friend’ so easily.

“Hey Caek, is that your friend?” 

“Eh no, he’s just someone I know from Facebook.” 

“This girl friends with you ah, Syahir?” 

“Nope, we're from the same primary school ja.” 

“Caaaaaaaaek, you are friend with this guy?” 

“No no, he’s just the guy from my class during high school.” 

“Syahirah, she’s your friend?” 

“Naaah, she’s just someone I know.” 

“Caek, you’re going to have dinner with your friend ka?” 

“Eh no, bukan kawan. He’s my senior lah.”

Oh yeah, I actually differentiate between ‘friend’ and also ‘senior’.

Truth to be told, when these things first happened before, I actually shocked myself with the words that came out from my mouth- they came out so naturally as I threw them out without thinking. Later on after this situation kept on happening, then only I started to think why I had been saying stuff like that. I did some deep thoughts and I realised about this shit after for awhile. Apparently, it’s just another bitter truth that I need to accept. Life does slap you with reality from time to time, huh? *smirk*

I have stopped being bitter about this.

Now that I’ve got myself some people who I can actually call ‘friends’, I literally feel better of myself. I have survived the painful phase and I learnt from my stupid mistakes, attaboy! *pat myself at the back* But somehow, sometimes I can’t help myself but to long for the people who used to be my ‘friends’.