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I am hurt, again.

Few days ago I’ve come to know something that I wish I didn’t know although I have to admit that knowing it is what’s the best for me. The hurtful truth shattered my heartland. I thought the wound I have all these time was the deepest wound I could ever get, but I was wrong. I guess it’s true when people say that numbing the pain will only make things worse.  I didn’t believe it before yet now the truth of this saying has come slapping me hard in the face, forcing my eyes to go all wide. I believe it now. Of course we have to go through the first-hand experience in everything to wake up from the dream we insist in staying. I was slapped hard in the face, splashed with heart-cold water and kicked down to the edge of the mountain.  Am I hurt? I am. I hurt so much and it annoys me. I get irritated so much of myself, of my capability in feeling things that I refuse to feel; things that I don’t want to let through me. I am hurt, but I feel like I am heading towards numbness again. I really hope this time I would stay in the numbness forever, without having to wipe clean the blood that flowing through from the painful wound from time to time. From numbness, I'm going back to pain. Pain almost equals to sadness. Everything will eventually come back to sadness. Yet I believe that I will be fine and I refuse to believe any other way although fine is a very subjective word here. I believe I need to stop feeling things, especially the slightest ones.

I believe in Tablo when he says “Sadness is home”.