Dear you,
This is not written to beg you
asking you to come back. No, I am seriously done trying this time. So, this is
a letter which I’m telling you of the things I am thanking you for and how I am
finally letting you go, for good. I mean it this time.
Dear you,
This is written in the middle of
the night. Or early in the morning since it has passed midnight now lol. You know
about my insomnia thingy, right? To suddenly wake up in the middle of the night
because of mosquitoes or stuff or sometimes for no absolute reason at all. Ah,
you forgot. Of course you did. My bad, I’m sorry. I’m still bitter thinking
about how things have ended between us. I guess I’m a bit immature but I can’t
help myself, so deal with it until you have finally finished reading this. (But
you won’t be reading this *smirk*)
Dear you,
You know who you are. I am so
thankful of you for letting me had a taste of a better version of myself. As much
as I am bitter about us, I am more grateful that I finally lived a life. A calmer
soul. You turnt me into something whom I didn’t expect I was capable of. I was
at my lowest point and was trying to rebound when you happened. And you healed
me. Not completely, but I was healed enough to finally put myself at ease
again. Those few months you were there for me lending your shoulders whenever I
needed them. You were there when I was sick. You were there when I had no one
to talk to. You were there when I needed someone to depend on, to hold me as
I was seconds away from crumbling although you did realise that I was nothing
but only a burden to you. You were there. And for that, I couldn’t ever thank
you enough.
Dear you,
Someone who knew about us (let’s
pretend as we did have an ‘us’) thought I was more broken-hearted because of
you compared to my break up with my 4-year boyfriend. That someone was wrong. I was broken-hearted because both
of you, yes, but you were the one who made me resent myself so much. The heart-breaking
break up with my former boyfriend….. well, at least I am sure that he actually loved
me even for a bit. But you, I don’t think you even cared about me. You made me
resent myself so much because ever since you walked through the door out of my
life, I can’t help myself but keep on doubting myself in everything. I mean, how
stupid I could be? Why did I let my wall down so easily? How did I trust you so
fast? Why the fuck I fell for someone in just a couple of months? Etcetera. More
questions come bugging me from time to time, squeezing my brain for the answers.
So you, bruh, you literally raised me up so high in the sky just to let me fall
hard and quick into the ground.
Dear you,
I have lost so many people in my
life; those whom I lost were the ones who meant so much to me yet I gave up on
them without even trying to make them stay. When I was younger, I lost one of
my dear best friends. I didn’t run after her. Indeed, I watched her walked away
from me. A few years later, I had a fight with my another best friend and I gave
up right away. Did I cry? Hell yeah, I did. I cried night after night, thinking
where did I do wrong. I cried from time to time, thinking of the things that I couldn’t
share with them. I cried a lot, until I was finally tired of crying. I didn’t
make any effort to stop them then because I have always thought that people would
stay if they wanted to. But for you, bruh, I put that aside. I put effort on
you. I actually ran after you. I tried to pull you back, I didn’t want to lose
you like I lost the others. I tried again and again, even when I was about to
die of embarrassment knowing how pathetic it was to beg for someone to stay as
they wanted to leave so bad. I wanted you to keep being my shoulders so much
that I promised myself to never let you found the truth of my feelings towards
you because I knew well that you would leave once you learnt the truth and I was
not wrong. Didn’t you realise I had been throwing you a fullstop everytime the 'thing' between us was getting out of hand? Every single time, I would
be the one who put the fullstop and shut the door. But in the end, I was still
the one who you blamed. Wow. Okay. So yeah, I am done trying. I am done
begging. I am totally done. I told myself that it was a good thing I didn’t
fight when people chose to leave, because obviously the fight would go to waste.
People would still go if they wanted to and you would be the one who was left behind,
wounded.
Dear you,
I’m sorry I got a bit carried away
as I am writing this but fuck it. I need to end things properly even if it
means I’m pushing the pink flesh of wound again. You had done many good things
to me and I really appreciate that. I appreciate that you helped me with stuff
and became my spirit booster when I desperately needed one. I appreciate that
you once happened to me. But what I don’t appreciate is you continuously popping
in and out of my life. Every single time I was doing fine, you would be popping
in and then gone again. It’s tiring as fuck. If you wanted to be my friend
again, you should have acted like one but you didn’t so yeah I knew it. Move.
Dear you,
As much as I’ve been listening to
Tablo’s Eyes Nose Lips, I am not wishing you hell. Frankly speaking, I am wishing
you neither hell nor well. Of course you once made me happy, but you made me
suffer too. You stabbed me when I was least expecting. So no matter how
childish I might sound because of this, I would say it’s fair.
Dear you,
Please go, and never come back.
Your former ‘kekasih gelap’,
Caek-chan.
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