I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
Lately I have been living like the dead; I barely eat or take my regular bath anymore. I sleep after dawn and wake up at 2 or 3 p.m. on a regular basis. The songs I listen to are only the sad ones. I don’t even bother to check my phone anymore. Few days ago I didn’t even check my phone for two days straight and no one bother to look for me. At first, I did feel sad but it was only merely the first few seconds because damn it girl why did you think there would be someone who bother to check you up when you yourself are not the kind of person who checks up on your friends too? And just like that, I laughed away my stupid thought just now.
But that’s not everything.
I have so many things planned in mind. Every single night I will tell myself to do this and that tomorrow but when I wake up the next day, every plan will be crumpled in mind just like a piece of paper tossed into the bin. There are so many things that can be done such as going to the hospital to check for the two lumps in my thigh, going for window shopping at Watsons, finishing my St. John tasks, settling MARA stuff, making new designs for my instashop, applying for scholarships, scrolling Instagram,
working part-time, or at least
slaying my TBR pile. Yet I have done none of them. I keep burying myself in bed
even when I am actually wide awake.
On the other hand, I don’t cry anymore. It’s a good thing, I guess?
I listen to sad songs but I don’t cry. Maybe I’m still tired from all the crying I had few weeks ago lol. Sometimes I feel pathetic for feeling happy and proud over other people’s happiness and success simply because I can’t have them on my own. How am I supposed to have them when I don’t even work for them? How am I supposed to go to Japan when I don’t even do my saving right or working part-time to actually earn money? How am I supposed to get scholarships when I don’t even apply for any? How am I supposed to lose weight when I just give up on the fifth day? How am I supposed to encounter any happiness in life when I am still buried in bed, covering my face with a pillow and earphones plugged into my ears playing to sad songs? How? How to start moving? How to be productive? How to actually boost my spirit without having it dead a few days or a few milliseconds after that? How to not let myself being stepped by the monster of fear in me?
How to be alive?
Usually when I find things too much to handle, or it is too hard to breathe, I would go out from this house trying to breathe some fresh air into my lungs and hoping I could clear my mind too. However, lately I have been letting myself to drown. I feel it’s hard to breathe yet I can’t take a step out from here. I feel like I have all the pressure and thoughts choked into my throat. I feel suffocating, I feel like I am drowning.
Yet I refuse to save myself.