Wednesday, June 7, 2017

MTBD

I had a sudden mental breakdown again tonight.

It had been awhile since the last time I had one but it still sucks. Today, realised that I was acting a little bit weird but I thought it was just one of my feelings since I have always been weird. For some reasons, I actually felt off- as the emptiness was deeper than usual. I didn’t know why but I chose not to think about it too much and proceeded with my life. Later in the evening, I went for dinner alone today. Having dinner alone didn’t make me sad. Instead, it made me felt self-cautious. I constantly felt like being pitied for eating alone by people there and it felt so wrong. I didn’t like that. I don’t like that.

Everything was okay until I got back into my car.

Once I got back into my car, I felt the sudden need of eating sundae ice-cream which is it’s actually one of my comforting tools. I felt like I really needed it but I ignored the feeling as I told myself I was actually okay. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t having a breakdown. I was perfectly fine. I didn’t need sundae. So I left without buying sundae.

And then, at the traffic light.

The traffic light in front of my uni’s gate is known for taking forever to change its light. So I was on my phone, scrolling Twitter as usual. Out of the blue, I was hit by a wave of sadness. I felt sad. I grieved. I was so close to tearing up but I tried my best not to let it consumed me. The light had not changed yet. I felt overpowering. I wanted to breathe ocean’s smell. I wanted to see beautiful view. I wanted to have certain people being beside me. I felt trapped in my own self. I wanted to escape. But it’s already night. I couldn’t go anywhere that I’m not familiar with alone at night. I felt bad. I felt like a great loser.

The light had finally changed.

I changed my gear and started driving. I didn’t want to go back into campus. I didn’t want to go back into my room. I wanted a getaway. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wanted to breathe. But I still continued to drive back to my hostel. I drove around the parking lot for a few times because I was delaying my time. Then, I parked my car and changed my CD from Big Bang’s to KAT-TUN’s. Harukana Yakusoku (The Distant’s Oath) started playing. I don’t know how this song works on me but it has always made me feel like it is shattering my soul yet mending it at the same time. It is like my spirit song. The one I listen to whenever I feel so helpless and vulnerable but want to get up immediately right after the fall. So I listened to the song and started to repeat the song again once it had finished. By that moment, I realised that I was not okay. I would know that I was actually deep in some shits when I bought sundae or repeating Harukana Yakusoku non-stop. It hit me then and there. I started focusing on the lyrics and before I knew it, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was crying silently. I told myself that I was okay, I was fine.

I tried to talk myself into it but failed.

I made an instastory hoping that I would get distracted from everything and continued to cry. I could not stop crying and kept on repeating the song again and again. It felt suffocating but I wanted to stay in my car. I wanted to sleep there if I could. But I couldn’t so I just curled in the driver’s seat and cried some more. A moment later, I checked my phone. There, him- replying to one of my instastories. I saw his name on the notification and started sobbing loudly. I’ve missed him. I was with him only for a few months but I have missed him so much. I wanted him to comfort me like he always did before. I wanted him to be there for me whenever I wanted him to. I wanted him to listen to my bullshits. No, I don’t want him as my boyfriend although I did like him before. He left because he found out about my feeling towards him and I still blame myself for losing one of the best guys in my life. But then and now, I have always wanted him just as my good friend and nothing more. I want to lean on him again and cried on his shoulder every time I feel bad.

Is that too much to ask?

And then there’s one of my best girlfriends. She replied to my instastory too. She started nagging about me isolating myself from people and being stressed out all the time. She was angry at me lol. She actually told me to stop making her feels worried since we are not in the same college anymore and Penang-KL are not that near for us to easily have meet-ups whenever we feel like it. I said I was sorry, I didn’t mean to make her feels worried about me aaaaand of course she had to continue her nagging. I cried even louder. I want to hug her. I’ve missed her too much. I want her here with me. I want to be there with her. She kept on nagging and I kept on crying. I love this girl. What did I do to deserve this girl in my life? Sadly, I met her way too late. I wish we were in the same school so I could be excused from some pain I felt earlier in my life.

I pity myself.

I pity myself for not being good enough to my own self. I deserve more than all this pain. On top of that, I pity others who are I’m so clingy and attached to. That’s why I have stopped opening up to people. I can’t risk myself again. I am such a mess when I’m having mental breakdowns. I would constantly need some particular people’s attention and they might not be able to give me that. I would need them to provide me comfort. I would want them to ease my pain. And whenever they couldn’t be there for me, the desperate need would turn into physical pain. It’s not their fault but I still can’t risk anything. Fgs, they have their own lives to live. They have their own problems to deal with. They have so much things to be worried about rather than thinking about me and my mental breakdowns. They don’t deserve this tortures. That’s why I can’t open up to people anymore. I can’t be that selfish- to be a burden in some people’s lives when they already have their own baggage to carry. I can’t open up. I can’t be egoistic. I need to lift myself up on my own.

I need to be strong, for my own sake.

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