Confession #18

Is it crucial to have a relationship in my age? I don’t know… maybe yes or maybe not. It depends on the person. A lot of my friends have gotten married, some of them are even gifted with babies now. And me? Here I am, still jamming to my favourite songs like all the time, have mental breakdowns from time to time, cry myself to sleep at nights and sometimes even cry when I’m hungry lmao. But yeah, that’s what I have ever been so far.

Do I wish to act like a grown up?

Indeed, I do. I want to be seen as someone matured, someone who will be able to carry herself all the time despites the fact that she is going through her toughest times. I want to be someone who people can look up for. Someone who is dependable. Someone who my family can finally be proud of. Someone who people give respect to. I want to be this someone. And I miserably failed in achieving it.

Why?

Because I rant too much. I whine about my difficulties. I have never been grateful enough for what I have. God up there must be saying how an ungrateful lass I am although He has actually given me more than I deserve. I should change myself – this is what I have been telling myself all this time. I tried to speak less, be firmer than before. I try to change. I want to be different. I don’t know if it’s a good different or not, but I still want it.

And it feels damn weird.

What does feel weird? Everything. Everything seems weird to me. It is just… odd. I know people change, but the changes that I have been witnessing around me are severe. I am having hard times just trying to digest and adapt to the changes happening around me. It feels as everything is moving at awfully fast pace; as everyone is walking waaaaay ahead of me and I am left alone behind, completely unaware of my surroundings. It’s a terrifying view. I feel trapped. I feel so small. I want to talk to my friends, I’ve missed my friends. But they have their own families now. They are at their own levels. And I feel as I am just a tiny little bean trying to have some attention here and ignored because uh duhhh I don’t really keep in touch with people??? So once they are married, have babies or moving further, I feel as the door has been slammed in front of my face. It feels terrible. I have mixed feelings. I feel happy for them yet I am mourning for whatever that I myself am uncertain about. I find it hard to reach to my friends once they are married or away. I feel as there is a gap between me and them; an invisible boundary that separates me from them. I feel awkward.

I don’t like this feeling.