Best Man

It was 2008 when we first met. You were in a different class but I was close with your classmate so I was always in your class for no reasons at all. You were close with her too. So we started to greet each other and talk.

We had become close.

You were nice, I liked you. I kept on going to your class, not to specifically meet you but seeing you would be nice. I tend to sit at your place and write stuff that I can’t even recall anymore now on your desk and you were so nice that you would neither erase them yourself nor let people did it for you. Once, your friend wanted to help you cleaned my doodles on your desk and all you said were “Let them be, later she would do it herself” because you know that I would erase my own doodles whenever I wanted to make a new one.

So I liked you even more – platonically of course.

You and me… we are both from the same hometown so when holiday came, we would be accidentally taking the same bus together all the way from school back to Shahab Perdana. I don’t know if you remember this but you used to help me carried my bags.

We had become closer.

My class was the worst class in our school’s history, the teachers went berserk and shuffled all the form 2 classes. You told me you would not know what to do if we turned out to be in the same class because of my clinginess. Yet your words came true – we got into the same class. Poor you.

And of course, we got closer.

As always, I would go to your place. To talk to you, to annoy you, or just to be there next to you. Little did I know, you have become the comfort I’d never had. You have forever refused to say things like “I miss you” but who am I to you to demand such thing but you also have never raised your voice to me. My lioness would turn into a kitten just at the sight of your angry face – that is how much I respect you and really think highly of you. There was this one time when I was in a bad shape and asked you to leave me a letter of comfort before you left for your rugby tournament and surprisingly I did get a letter. You have no idea how much it means to me, how your words managed to wrap my sadness.

You are always here and there.

You were there throughout my high school life. You are still here until now even when the high school has ended years ago, I will forever be grateful for this. You came all the way to Kuala Lumpur when I asked you to go to the hot air balloon festival together because you could tell that I was not in a good state. You helped me again. You always managed to see right through me, even at the times when I try to mask my pain. We rarely either talk or contact each other but I know you would always be there. Of course there are times when you hurt me – intentionally or not – but I guess it’s fine because it is not your fault I am an oversensitive lady lol. You do not really show me the affection yet you have always pampered me in your own way just like a brother taking care of his little sister but does not really want to make it obvious. There was this one time when I said it out loud to the girls at our school that you’re my best friend and one of them asked me back, “Does he think of you in the same way?”. The question managed to cut deep into my heart and it still hurts me to this day. To be honest, the question haunts me. There are so many things that I have been longing for you to say but I know well that it is better for me not to push my luck.

It has been 11 years.

It overwhelms to witness all the changes that are happening in both of our lives. You have reached the adulthood life, I am just a step behind. I see you loving your girlfriend and I swear to God I am sincerely enjoying the scenes. I cannot thank her enough for making you this happy and also for respecting the bond we have. People have been saying that a man and a woman can’t be friends but then there are you and me – an evidence the world has yet to see. We have grown, my man. You and I – both of us have grown to be fine adults now. Although I know the struggles would still take centuries until they are actually done messing with us, but I believe we have somehow happened to be good. We are good, my man.

Well, at least you are.

I won’t lie to you that it does not sadden me at all to see both of us drifting apart as we grow older but I need to understand that it is just another form of growth. We are still good despite the lack of communication. We barely talk once a month now. But we’re good, I believe it is. I have to, but I know you would agree with me.

And today is your birthday.

You have turned 24 years old today, same age as mine. But you have always been more mature than me. I pray nothing but the best for you. If I could pick the star for you, believe me I would. Because that is how much I think highly of you, respect you. I am your biggest fangirl after all. You deserve everything for staying with me this long, I wish I could give you the world just merely because you have been my comfort since day one – one I didn’t even realise I needed. I am here for you if you ever need me for anything. Anything at all. Have wonderful times ahead.

Happy birthday, my forever best man.

Exhaustion

Lately I have been feeling tired and empty. Again.

I get exhausted just by feeling some emotions, even the slightest bit of happiness. I feel as I have been faking myself without realising again. It is tiring to be fake. Like in one point you are so full of emotions in front of people around you but the moment you are left alone, you could feel a pang of emptiness and exhaustion weighing down on you. It is really tiring. And the fact that even the smallest bit of interaction could drain all my energy in one swoosh, I gotta say I need to be alone.

Solitude.

Solitude has always been an addiction to me. It’s addicting, and overwhelming. I am overwhelmed by the enthusiasm I have in embracing the life of being alone. There are times when I will feel a tad bit of loneliness but I usually will try my best to ignore the need screaming in me. I have been so used of being alone – of soothing and bandaging my own pain that even when my boyfriend tries to console me, I would push him away until I manage to calm my own self. He does not like that part of me. He does not like it when I isolate myself. Little did he know, I don’t like that part of me either.

Pain.

I have become addicted to pain again. Somehow pain has become the only thing that can make me feel. I do things that would hurt me emotionally. Sometimes I would intentionally try to start a fight with my man so I could just hurt myself again and believe how terrible I am as a person. I failed most of the times. So I should find another way to hurt myself. Like being a shitty friend to my good friends and tell myself that I deserve to be left, to be forgotten. Some of my friends told me not to always being alone as the thoughts overloaded in my mind could eat me alive, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m addicted.

Demotivated.

Some of my friends know the fact that I have lost my motivation in studying. I only talked about this to very few people, perhaps one or two persons. For quite awhile, I have lost myself. Is it because of the programme I’m taking? I don’t think so, I have always loved English. At least I enjoy the language. Is it because of the pressure and expectations I receive from people around me? Maybe, maybe not. I sincerely don’t know. I feel bad for my parents for spending so much money on me to get me this far but at one point in life, I’ve turned into a zombie – merely living for whatever reason there is. I’m tired of figuring things out. Don’t tell me to talk to my family about all these, I don’t have the privilege to open up about all these stuff to them. They won’t understand, and they would not bother to try. It will only get things worse.

Semicolon.

The semicolon is my reminder – the reminder for me about how my life is not over yet. The meaning of a semicolon makes me feel like there’s a small space for me to hope of something good coming out from all these storms.

Maybe, just maybe, there is a Brightside. Only time will reveal it.

“You can’t love me if you don’t love yourself”
– Love, 01/01/2019

Goodbye 2018, Welcome 2019

In my post before, I had mentioned on how my beginning of 2018 was almost got me die struggling. But I survived. That's the most important part. Now when I look back to last year (it’s past midnight here Malaysia time), it was actually pretty good. The beginning was terrible but starting from the mid year, I managed to have better grip of my life. I would not claim it as an excellent year but looking at the fact that I was not rushed into an emergency room this year, I think 2018 had been kinda great. The highlights of my 2018 are:-

Brightsides

• Met some new friends. Reliable ones, I tell you.
• My grade? Average as usual. (definitely not a highlight)
• My face is healing.
• Had only once or twice mental breakdown in public – minus the time when my boyfriend left me off at the airport.
• Got rejected by my 8-year crush.
• Got together with my 9-year admirer lmao.
• Finally met someone who constantly putting effort on me without having me begging.
• Been loving myself a little bit more than before
• Stepped outside of my comfort zone – started working as a part-timer!
• Girlfriends got married and I managed to attend both
• Actually bought a plane ticket instead of only surveying lmao
• Went hiking
• Visited new places
• Explored Penang more!
• Managed to drag my lazy ass out from my room
• Made it to my girlfriends’ graduation day
• People around me have been doing great
• BIGBANG released Flower Road
• Seungri managed to feed our starve during BIGBANG’s hiatus

Downsides

• Face massive breakout and all swollen           
• Still bitter
• Getting farther from the Creator
• Ungrateful
• Procrastinate too much
• Movement still slow af
• Still can’t cook to save a life
• Spicy tolerance got reduced
• Haven’t recovered from allergies to seafood
• Still can’t be at my parents’ house more than a week
• Still a crybaby, childish af
• Going off grid whenever drowned in emotions/thoughts/problems
• Isolating self
• Still a freaking burden to everyone
• Got clingy af, worse than before
• Failed to finish my reading challenge

I cannot think of more. But whew looks like the bright ones have outdone the down ones. So now I am pretty convinced that it had been a great year.

What should I pray for 2019? Well well, I pray to:

• be closer to Him
• stop being a fcking burden to everyone
• speed up! Stop moving like a freaking snail
• be less emotional
• cry less
• stop depending on people
• have better perceptions of my own family
• be able to call my parents’ house as ‘home’ again
• be more grateful
• talk less
• tone down the cursing
• earn more money
• be a better daughter/sister/friend/girlfriend
• stop procrastinating fgs
• write more
• read more
• reduce the use of social media
• love myself more
• be more responsible
• gain better grades
• buy from Bookalicious again
• travel more
• attend my girlfriend’s wedding
• not die
• not experience a family member’s death or sickness
• be nicer (ain’t getting there), but colder (already getting there)
• have better skin
• stop holding on to the pasts
• not being lazy at taking care of my own self
• be less bitter
• more confident
• become happier
• be healthy – emotionally, mentally and physically
• cut off more toxic people
• closer to nature
• stop crying myself to sleep
• drink more water
• not having any mental breakdown in public
• cut off all the unnecessary smiles on my face
• be the old me who was way less friendlier
• learn After Effects and Illustrations
• have better sellings
• witness BIGBANG’s comeback
• attend my man’s graduation (but this ain’t happening unless if someone drops 5K into my bank account)
• see everyone I care about have better lives
• receive His blessings
• explore more place in Penang
• etc.
• have a better year than all the previous years combined :’)

For now, let’s settle for these. Guess I might need a checklist for all these. Cheers, young bloods!

Someone

Someone came back into my life.

He –

who I knew from the old day,

He –

who I used to push away.

He came back.

Out of sudden,

Out of the blue,

Out of nowhere.

And he’s here.

Closer than before,

Significant than ever.

Wish he’ll stay.

To love me,

And be loved in return.

To embrace the virtues,

And complements the flaws.

Please be infinite.

Toxicated

The word does not even exist out there but it is living inside me.

Have you ever met someone who is so toxic to you? They don’t do anything to you yet their presence alone already makes yourself worse than ever. They do nothing to you yet for some reasons the worst of you eats you away whenever they are around. You hate yourself for it, for realizing about it. You blame yourself for your feelings and drown yourself with the “I shouldn’t be feeling this way, it’s not like they do anything to me” thought. You keep on thinking deeper and deeper and finally it reaches your core, digging a whole new hole inside you. Your heart is left with a lot of holes; the ones done by them without them knowing, without you realizing. Their presence suffocates you. Their presence somehow feels as they are sitting on your chest, blocking your breath. You can’t breathe properly. You are fucked up. But once they are gone, it feels like the weight on your chest has been lifted yup. Everything feels lighter. It feels like the bright sun has finally coming out from its hiding. The grey cloud might have you wrapped in the dark whenever they are around but by the time they have let you go, sunray keeps coming through every possible hole – bathing everything on its path with its golden shiny ray.

The guilty pleasure is real.

Confession #20

Today, I have crawled back into my blackest hole. One that I have vowed not to ever visit again. One that drags me to hit my lowest. One that I have left years ago and recovered in a hard way. All those years spent in recovering were forgotten for a moment. I was lost. I went back there. It was scary. I did not want to be there, it was so wrong to just even take a peek and actually entering the hole was much much worse. Although I went there for just a moment, a brief one, it was still terrifying. What would happen if I couldn’t get out? What would actually happen if I failed to restrain myself? The possibilities might eat me alive.

Surprise

I have never been fond of birthdays since the ones I ever had were nothing good. All the bad things could have happened to me and they decided to drop the bombs on my birthdays so yeah my birthdays have always been some shitty days since forever. Guess my existence alone is shitty enough.

But that is not the point here.

On the last March 13^th which was a Tuesday, I went through my day as usual. It was a hectic one, deadly tiring as usual. My schedule was packed since the morning, a lil bit of rest in the evening, and later at night, a meeting and then straight away to a tutorial class. But that tutorial was a casual one so we had it moved to an opened café. I was a bit late for the tutorial because I was attending a meeting. It was nothing odd. I made it to the meeting and went through it. When it was time to leave, Noraida said she wanted me to give her a ride. I said okay and started to walk to my car but then my arm was grabbed. Noraida said she needed to take her doughnuts in Hanani’s room. So me, Noraida, Hazwani and Sunisha headed to the back of the café – the shortcut to Hanani’s room. Out of the blue moon, as we were walking under the street lights in the dim light, in between of the café and the blocks, I could see my friends waiting in the middle of the pathway with balloons in their hands. And they started singing the Happy Birthday song. I was bewildered yet I started to sing along too with the “Whose birthday is it?” thought in my head. I literally had no clue. Noraida, Hazwani and Sunisha moved to the other side and started facing me – joining the others. I was more confused, “Was it for me? But it has been months?”. Just right in the moment, they mentioned my name in the song. I was sure then. It was mine lol.

What a great plan huh, celebrating it after two months?

But it was great. I liked how simple it was. They prepared me balloons, a slice of cake and a burger from The Kapit’s. Nothing festive about it, just us celebrating it in the dark. I like love that, really. But Caek-chan was being Caek-chan. I don’t know how to express the gratitude. All I can say is thank you. So, everyone – Hanani, Noraida, Hazwani, Aina, Sunisha, Atiqah, Hasni – thank you. You guys made my night and made me gained a kilo urgh but I ain’t complaining.

Alone

Alone yet rarely lonely. But there are times when the loneliness finds its way to seep into your veins without you noticing and wrap its cold fingers around your heart. As your heart is frozen in the coldness, your vulnerability would suddenly emerge on the surface. It reveals itself to the world, to anyone who might see it or not. And it would remain there until the coldness melted away, leaving the heart completely to pump blood again. You breathe of relief – your heart is warm again. But you and I, we both know that this is just a phase in an endless cycle. It would occur again at times you least expecting. Once it happens, you would be vacuumed into the hole of doomness and wish to do nothing but curl yourself in bed and then cry yourself to sleep.

Fallen Out of Love

They say the worst part of a breakup is when the love withers. The love lingers around in the air, torturing one to keep on reminiscing all the things that once made them happy but now do nothing but hurt them. Reminiscing the happy moments is now so painful because you certainly sure that it won’t be happening again, at least not with the same person. So you keep on repeating the same scenario in your head, just to rub in salt on the bleeding wound. It is painful – to hit the realisation that someone who used to be your source of happiness is now gone, together with a piece of your mystified heart. The love that lingers around you wraps your heart in its thin air, coating you with the broken past. It is dreadful, but you are the one who keeps giving it the power to get into you. You were ruined, tortured and believed that you could never have a sweet taste of happiness again. You convinced yourself that you did not deserve the happiness and had finally ran out of it. You believed you had used all your life line for the happiness you embraced in the past. But one day, you are awaken from your deep sleep. The tight feeling in the chest is now all gone. You thought of the past, trying to search for the ache you once had but failed. You don’t feel anything now. The heavy weight on your shoulders have been channeled into thin air. You feel lighter, way lighter than you have ever been. Even when you see the person, it doesn’t have the effects it used to have on you before. Your heart doesn’t flutter. There are no butterflies in your tummy. Your heart is not shattering again. You feel fine. You are fine. And that’s when you realise, that you have actually fallen out of love. 

Sound

Isn’t it amazing how sometimes noises can calm you down? Like the sound of rain pouring down to wet the Earth, as your heart beating together to its rhythm without you even realising. Like the sound of wave hitting the land, as it is a symbol of your raging emotions being washed away little by little. Like the sound of music blasting loudly through your headphones, as they are trying so hard to win over all the battles that are happening inside you. Like the sound of chaotic traffic when you are kilometers away, as the vehicles honk to each other selfishly and move noisily. Like the sound of fireworks, as for whatever reason they somehow provide you with contentment and satisfaction once they explode here and there. And like the sound of ceiling fan that is spinning above your head, as it makes your soul comes out from your body when you stare at it long enough. Maybe this is where the safe and sound actually takes place, maybe this is what the phrase actually means.

Miserable At Its Best

2018 has not been good so far.

It is only almost March but I already feel like giving up. I did not do well in my exams. Well, some of them yeah but half of them was shitty. I can’t complain about it, I didn’t work hard enough thus I don’t have the right to cry for it. Unless if I want to cry out of regret. Then, my results came out. The last time my pointer had ever been this bad was during my high school days. I almost cried, but I didn’t. I couldn’t let myself to cry for getting this bad when it’s my fault to begin with. But to be honest, my grades have improved but the pointer didn’t because there’s a subject that pulled everything down with it. I was frustrated but constantly reminding myself that at least I don’t have to repeat the subject.

And then, there’s my acne breakouts from last year. It suddenly got so much worse and my face had never been this bad in my entire life. Everyone pitied me but it didn’t help my face getting any better. It is an allergic of make-up that triggered everything, and ever since then, my acne has been so active that I have started to get allergic of every food too. My face, both sides of my cheeks were badly swollen and they were so painful that I woke up with tears in my eyes every morning. I can’t eat anything I want as I used to, especially seafood and spicy food (which I live for), or my face would get so irritated, so itchy and so painful. I wanted to see the doctor but I haven’t gotten my allowance. I didn’t want to ask money from my parents as I had to ask them for advance money since I would only get my PTPTN’s allowance in March. My self-esteem has always been low and with all these breakouts on my face, it gets lower than ever. Everyone noticed about my face and told me to see the doctor. To tell them the fact that I couldn’t afford to see a doctor although it might be as cheap as RM30 is embarrassing. I feel extra vulnerable when it comes to money. Some people… they just don’t get it and refuse to understand that my parents aren’t the same as theirs. It rips me inside out.

I came back to Penang a bit early from the registration day because I had a fight with my parents. I left home in bad terms and I am the kind of person who usually gets paid (for my sin) in cash. So the first few days I spent in Penang was shitty af. I didn’t get the LHP455 subject that I wanted to take so I was pushed into waiting list, my car got clamped on the very first day at my usual parking spot, I overslept on my first class of QMT222, the access card to my apartment’s car park couldn’t be used, and some more. Not to mention that I was so sleepy during the drive back to Penang that I almost fell asleep but luckily I didn’t. I was in Penang only for 5 days and then I went back to my hometown as I had a doctor’s appointment and stayed at home straight until the Chinese New Year was over. My appointment was on Wednesday and I then skipped HXE229 class on Thursday which in the next class, the lecturer questioned the reason of my absence. Damn. It was shitty, I was miserable.

As I went back to my hometown, I fixed things with my parents. Everything got better with us, my heart felt lighter. But shitty things still happened regardless everything. I was assigned into the same group with someone whom I want to avoid the most, it was so stressful. I felt screwed up and emotionally disturbed so I did something immature and childish, something that I had never done before and never imagined I would have done it – I asked the lecturer if I could change group. Yep. The lecturer asked me “Why?” in a very nice way that I almost teared up in front of him. Maybe he saw the look on my face so he granted me his permission. After all I did end up crying because my friends noticed about me being in the same group with ‘her’ so they came swooning me asking me if I was okay when obviously my eyes were filled with tears waiting to fall. I don’t really hate this person, but I really really really dislike her because she has done so many awful things to my friends and me myself, or even to anyone who is to be nice to her. So I really want to avoid her, because she’s toxic. Rather than being in her group and then talk about her behind her back, getting stressed because of her all over again, I think avoidance is the best way for me. I already have no choice but to deal with her in St. John and TESOL, so I don’t want to encounter with her more than that. I am doing this for myself. And I am so thankful that the lecturer let me changed the group.

As I am writing this, my face is swollen and painful again. This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes again. Maybe because these past few nights I had not been washing my face properly before going to sleep and I also had been sleeping on one side. Ever since the breakouts, my face has been so sensitive even for the smallest things. I get tired of being cautious all the time and of everything sometimes but hey, all I need is patience. Even the ones who went to doctors, they still needed to wait for 6 months to recover. Now it’s only been almost two months, I think I’ll be fine. Let’s just pray that I’ll recover soon and shitty things would stop happening to me.

A friend once said that my life is a nightmare. I was offended, but he was right.

Confession #19

Am I lonely?

I have always realised that I am sort of a loner. A lone ranger – that’s what I’ve been telling myself all these while. And I am definitely okay with it, with myself. Being alone… I find peace in solitude. Being alone is fine. Being alone is good for me to recharge after people drain me dry. But what I am not fine about is being looked at whenever I’m out alone, especially when I’m eating out. People would just look at me and some of them don’t even bother to move their stare when my eyes meet theirs. It’s disturbing because in some of those eyes, I could find pity. I don’t need that. I’d rather being looked as the weird lonely girl instead of being pitied at. There’s nothing to be pitied for. I am fine. I understand that they have no idea about what I have in mind but mind you that it is rude to stare. Let a girl eats in peace, would you?

My bubble of peacefulness could be easily popped by the stares of pity.

I might be alone but I am not lonely. Although I gotta admit that there are times when I would suddenly be hit by sudden loneliness in the middle of nowhere and instantly get severely absorbed by the feeling right there and then. No matter where and when or how many people I’m with. I could be surrounded by my loud friends yet still couldn’t dodge the loneliness that’s striking me. Pathetic? No. I don’t see myself that way. At least not in that particular aspect anyway.

I’m fine.

During my recent birthday, I got wishes by my friends. They told me not to always be alone, to join them whenever they’re out. I feel sorry for them because I don’t think I can change myself. I like myself being this way. I like myself eating alone. I like myself getting fresh air alone. I like myself thinking alone in my car. I like myself going out for shopping alone. I like myself this way – that I don’t really have to cling to someone. I have always hated myself for being clingy, for being too dependent on someone and easily attached. I hate it. I loathe myself for it. That’s why I have slowly changed to a lonesome girl. I like myself better this way. That’s the most important thing for me right now – liking, loving and forgiving myself. Making peace within oneself before making peace with others.

You might consider me as a shitty lonely human being, it’s not entirely wrong.

But I’m still fine. I’m fine, although there are mornings that I wake up hoping to get a good morning text from someone. I’m fine, although there are nights when I refuse to go to sleep before getting a goodnight text from someone. I’m fine, although there are times when I come home after a long day and wanting to talk to someone but have no one to talk to. I’m fine, although there are times when good things happen and I just want to share it with someone but realise I have no one to share it with. I’m fine, although I usually envy seeing people’s friendships or relationships. I'm fine, although there are countless times I wish I've met a soulmate in high school - one who I can talk about anything as our heads hit the pillow. I’m fine, although there are times when how I wish I could talk to my family just like some other people do. I’m fine, although there are times when I think this queen size bed I’ve been sleeping on in my rental house is too big for me and me alone. I’m fine, although there are times when I wish my phone would ring randomly just because the person at the other side wants to talk to me. I’m fine, although there are times when I stare at the ceiling while listening to songs and cry myself to sleep because of no reason at all. I’m fine, although sometimes I wish someone would pick me up without needing me asking for it. I’m fine – despite all the althoughs and all the times that loneliness hits me without a heads up or mercy, I’m fine.

I’m fine. Even when I’m not, I’ll be fine again.

23 = 2018

I have been wanting to write this but of course my not-so-inert procrastination ghost had won over me urgh. Well, moshimoshi! The writer of this blog has turned 23 in last January yay(?). Uh, 23 is so abstract. I mean, it’s the age where you are too old for certain things yet too young for some others; the age where you witness your friends accomplishing this and that; the age where you think you gotta figure yourself out. I don’t really know which one is the right thing to do or accomplish in this age. If there’s even any lah…

Since my 22-year-old ass did fi(okay)ne, I really hope this older me will do better and make up for all the not-so-good things that are written in the previous post. Are there any specific resolutions? Nah, I don’t think so. Just some wishes to myself. Wait, are they considered as resolutions too? Dang man, I’m a bit lost here. My mind is all over the place.

Wishes for my 23-year-old self:

1. Make peace with self.
2. Actually live.
3. Make peace with self.
4. Gain some money.
5. Make peace with self.
6. Be selfish yet kinder.
7. Make peace with self.

That’s it. I have some specific wishes or stuff that I hope to cross them out this year but nah I think I will just keep them to myself because I’m pretty sure that the list is endless and I really doubt I could cross at least half of them before 2019 so yeah.

Hope 2018 is doing well for ya!

Her

She is many

content in one body.

She wears her heart on her sleeve –

so easy to be read

as the sight of weather changing,

so pure, so naïve.

On some days,

she is calm –

As the shy sunshine

prying behind the clouds

with the soft wind

flowing the hair tenderly

offering comfort to others.

On some days,

she is happy –

Smiling cheerfully

as the bright sunlight

glowing everything underneath

warming people’s hearts

without wanting anything in return.

On some days,

she is drizzle –

Pouring lightly

as wanting to be noticed

but afraid of reactions

so she walks slowly

with her eyes sticking on the ground.

On some days,

she is hurricane –

Letting go everything bottled inside

as the rough wind

crashing all on its way

screaming to be heard

or begging for the pain to stop.

She is just like the weather –

She can give you both

either light

or darkness.

2017 Wrapup

2017 is indeed the worst year for me – mentally, emotionally and physically. However, this year is the year which I have finally stepped out from my comfort zone. I tried things that I had never done before. It feels like I was embarking on my own journey in searching for my true self. It is a self-discovery and self-healing year all at once. Am I healing? I think I am, although there are times when the wave hits me harder than before. So here’s the lists of my highlighted events occurred in 2017.

The good ones.

1. Became an exco in St. John (never held a position this important in my life lol).
2. Started loving myself more. Still ain’t enough, but better than before.
3. Going out more often.
4. Smiling more. And actually meant it.
5. Discovered a new favourite place to chill.
6. Met Yeob and Aben.
7. Went hiking for the very first time – Moon Gate 5, Penang. Hope it’s not going to be the last one too lol.
8. Fell in love with the sea. Hard.
9. Iftar at the beach for the very first time.
10. One of my best men is finally back in Malaysia.
11. Met new lovely people.
12. Nailed my second semester.
13. Cut off some toxic people.
14. So many good things happened to the people I love.
15. Became more self-centered lol because why not.
16. Been participating in events as a secretariat.
17. Finally involved in publishing work!
18. I have been looking at the sky more than the ground.
19. Reunited with my MD sobs.
20. Got better in socializing with people.
21. Youngbae and Hyorin’s engagement.
22. Letting go.
23. More blunt.

The not-so-good ones.

1. Became distant with people whom I actually care because uh they’re toxic.
2. More haters since I’m more well-known now lololol blame those events.
3. Still that thickheaded hot-tempered Caek.
4. Did not have a proper family photo for eid.
5. Been eating Samyang and maggi wayyyyy too much.
6. Failed to get hostel.
7. BIGBANG’s long hiatus.
8. Tabi’s scandal.
9. SHINee's Kim Jonghyun’s shocking death.
10. Still stuck with some toxic people.
11. Overslept on an important day and ended up troubling my friends.
12. Got random mental breakdowns from time to time.
13. Got mental breakdowns in public and couldn’t stop the flowing tears.
14. Got rushed into ER due to hyperventilation (I know it’s petty but I was terrified af, still am by the way).
15. Got mental breakdown for a week – was MC on the first day, went to class on the next days just to come back crying in my bed.
16. Still a crybaby.
17. Got sick too much.
18. Required to go to the hospital regularly due to the unresolved mystery heh.
19. Been skipping classes a lot. A LOT.
20. More blunt.
21. Lost someone who once told me that I got him. What a lost sobs.
22. Still beating up myself for the stupid things done in the past.
23. Haven't completely forgiven myself.
24. Witnessed a close friend suffering due to paranormal stuff.
25. Been forgetting the Creator.
26. Became more selfish that sometimes I surprise myself.
27. I feel like I actually haven’t learned a thing in my third semester.
28. Got the worst carrymark in my life for my coursework.
29. The worst acne breakout in my almost 23-year-old life.
30. Skin becoming so bad.
31. Pretty sure my third semester’s exam would be hell.
32. Chubbier sobs.
33. Still broke af.
34. Haven’t done a single part-time job lmao fml.
35. Still that Caek-chan who get attached too fast, has a heart made of glass lol.
36. Once I have disliked someone, I can’t put a mask anymore. I show it crystal clear.
37. Fooled myself at one point lol.
38. Hit someone’s car.
39. Less reading and writing.
40. Been feeling uninspired to write.
41. Haven't stopped procrastinating everything. 

So yeah, these are all I guess. It’s a good year but so many not-so-good events did happen in this year. I hope 2018 will be a better year for me, especially for my health. I have been asking for too many things from him yet I took my health for granted that I forgot to include healthy life in my prayers lol. He up there must be annoyed of me for requesting too much and being so greedy lmao but sokay He is the Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim.

Cheers to 2018.

Confession #18

Is it crucial to have a relationship in my age? I don’t know… maybe yes or maybe not. It depends on the person. A lot of my friends have gotten married, some of them are even gifted with babies now. And me? Here I am, still jamming to my favourite songs like all the time, have mental breakdowns from time to time, cry myself to sleep at nights and sometimes even cry when I’m hungry lmao. But yeah, that’s what I have ever been so far.

Do I wish to act like a grown up?

Indeed, I do. I want to be seen as someone matured, someone who will be able to carry herself all the time despites the fact that she is going through her toughest times. I want to be someone who people can look up for. Someone who is dependable. Someone who my family can finally be proud of. Someone who people give respect to. I want to be this someone. And I miserably failed in achieving it.

Why?

Because I rant too much. I whine about my difficulties. I have never been grateful enough for what I have. God up there must be saying how an ungrateful lass I am although He has actually given me more than I deserve. I should change myself – this is what I have been telling myself all this time. I tried to speak less, be firmer than before. I try to change. I want to be different. I don’t know if it’s a good different or not, but I still want it.

And it feels damn weird.

What does feel weird? Everything. Everything seems weird to me. It is just… odd. I know people change, but the changes that I have been witnessing around me are severe. I am having hard times just trying to digest and adapt to the changes happening around me. It feels as everything is moving at awfully fast pace; as everyone is walking waaaaay ahead of me and I am left alone behind, completely unaware of my surroundings. It’s a terrifying view. I feel trapped. I feel so small. I want to talk to my friends, I’ve missed my friends. But they have their own families now. They are at their own levels. And I feel as I am just a tiny little bean trying to have some attention here and ignored because uh duhhh I don’t really keep in touch with people??? So once they are married, have babies or moving further, I feel as the door has been slammed in front of my face. It feels terrible. I have mixed feelings. I feel happy for them yet I am mourning for whatever that I myself am uncertain about. I find it hard to reach to my friends once they are married or away. I feel as there is a gap between me and them; an invisible boundary that separates me from them. I feel awkward.

I don’t like this feeling. 

This Man

This man… we first met on Friendster (yes, Friendster) so many years ago and have become friends ever since then. Imagine how many phases have we gone through – from Friendster, Yahoo! Messenger, getting each other’s numbers, MySpace, Tagged (wtf), Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We only met in real life for a few times but God knows how much I treasure this friendship. This man is the only person who calls me ‘dak kecik’ despites the fact that I am not that kecik anymore. Pakcik, I am 10 years older than the time we first knew each other okayyyy /facepalm/ but it’s okay, I don’t really mind that. This man… had to listen to me whining and complaining about how hard life was when I first entered boarding school. This man literally told his friends that he was talking to his ‘anak menakan’ when being asked and passed the phone to them so I could confirm it with them lmao. This man… he was the one who kept giving me advice at times when I least expected. This man… has never forgot to wish me on eid and birthday. This man… he was and still is one of the people I look up to. This man… is all grown up.

This man… is now married.

Credit to: Salimah Ismail

Happy married, pakcik! I really feel bad about not going to your wedding reception because I’ve missed ya and we haven’t met each other for so long and now you’re married and I can’t believe this because it feels as only yesterday I talked to you through my hostel’s public phone under the stairs just to complain about my stupid insecurities and shits. And now you’re married. Oh God, that’s a very big responsibility for you to carry but you are one of the best people I know ever. I believe you’ll be a good husband to my makcik hehe. Take care of my makcik okay pandai cari ha makcik segak hiks. Makcik should take care of my pakcik gak haha urgh just take care of each other okay?! I wish both of you eternal happiness and may He give you strengths to go through any upcoming difficulties in life. May He bless you with all the happiness you two deserve and grant you with whatever you wish for. I’m sorry lmao I want to write something for ya but I can’t write a beautiful one so here is a non-pretty open letter for ya. See ya when I see ya!

Your favourite anak menakan,

Syahirah Berhan

P/s: Nanti kecik kahwin pakcik kena mai!

P/ss: You’re employed and married now, kena start bagi kecik duit raya!

I wish

to feel again.

Being noticed

I have always believed myself as an observer, but not someone who's actually being observed. So every time someone notices all the little things and all the small details about me just by seeing me and not because I’ve told them, I feel… touched. I am flattered. It overwhelms me, but in a good way.

It feels nice. Does it always feel this nice?

I love to observe people; to look at the moves and gestures made. Sometimes I can even feel content just by setting my eyes on them. It’s complicated. I love to look at my mom’s moving chest when she is asleep as it is always a relief to know that she’s still breathing. I love to see at the way my nephew blinks. I love to witness bae’s straight face forming into a small smile and finally turns into a big one. I enjoy seeing one of my classmates’ ponytail jiggling along with her each step. Sometimes I even like staring at people and merely admire the unexplainable beauty. Thus it had never occurred to me that someone could actually notice me, as I noticed the others.

But someone already has.

There was this one time when I was eating a vanilla flavoured bun and one of my classmates came to me and asked, “Don’t you like chocolate? I’ve always seen you eating this one”. I was at loss of word for a few seconds. And then, I simply laughed. I laughed because I had never thought that someone would actually notice that. But she did.

Yet for some unknown reasons, it made me feel delighted.

Things that make me happy in Penang

1. The splendid view
2. The sky
3. The beach
4. The sunrise / sunset
5. The ocean
6. Eating at the beach
7. Hanging out at Chew Jetty
8. Hiking Moon Gate 5
9. Queensbay Mall’s pan mee
10. The Kapit’s chicken wings and green tea
11. Tanduk Café’s bihun sup (but it’s gone now)
12. Nazri’s bihun celup
13. Wanie, Yeobo, Aben, Humayra, Falis and some of my classmates
14. Sleeping in
15. Sleeping early
16. Knowing class / meeting just got cancelled
17. Foot drill
18. Whenever someone is visiting over
19. Finding a vacant parking lot near to my apartment’s entrance
20. Collecting my parcels from UniStorage
21. Queensbay Mall’s Daiso
22. Bumping into people whom I like on the street
23. Eating lunch at Awet Muda
24. Discovering new places with certain people
25. Getting a call from bae
26. Laying down on my queen size’s bed after the very long day
27. Finally letting my hair loose
28. Being offered food
29. Driving to my CDs
30. Trying new food / stalls / restaurants / etcetera
31. Sometimes, the rain
32. Eating breakfast
33. The ocean breeze
34. Getting sun-kissed skin at dawn / dusk
35. Walking around Georgetown
36. Buying postcards for my loved ones
37. Riding the bike with Hazwani or Aina
38. Getting picked up for dinner or new adventure
39. Taking great photos of me and the view
40. Finally getting my works done
41. When I actually have time to do my artsy stuff lmao
42. Good Day’s green tea
43. Subaidah’s nasi goreng
44. Driving through Penang Bridge
45. Great Wi-Fi connection at St. John’s room
46. When things go well for me