I wish

to feel again.

Being noticed

I have always believed myself as an observer, but not someone who's actually being observed. So every time someone notices all the little things and all the small details about me just by seeing me and not because I’ve told them, I feel… touched. I am flattered. It overwhelms me, but in a good way.

It feels nice. Does it always feel this nice?

I love to observe people; to look at the moves and gestures made. Sometimes I can even feel content just by setting my eyes on them. It’s complicated. I love to look at my mom’s moving chest when she is asleep as it is always a relief to know that she’s still breathing. I love to see at the way my nephew blinks. I love to witness bae’s straight face forming into a small smile and finally turns into a big one. I enjoy seeing one of my classmates’ ponytail jiggling along with her each step. Sometimes I even like staring at people and merely admire the unexplainable beauty. Thus it had never occurred to me that someone could actually notice me, as I noticed the others.

But someone already has.

There was this one time when I was eating a vanilla flavoured bun and one of my classmates came to me and asked, “Don’t you like chocolate? I’ve always seen you eating this one”. I was at loss of word for a few seconds. And then, I simply laughed. I laughed because I had never thought that someone would actually notice that. But she did.

Yet for some unknown reasons, it made me feel delighted.

Things that make me happy in Penang

1. The splendid view
2. The sky
3. The beach
4. The sunrise / sunset
5. The ocean
6. Eating at the beach
7. Hanging out at Chew Jetty
8. Hiking Moon Gate 5
9. Queensbay Mall’s pan mee
10. The Kapit’s chicken wings and green tea
11. Tanduk Café’s bihun sup (but it’s gone now)
12. Nazri’s bihun celup
13. Wanie, Yeobo, Aben, Humayra, Falis and some of my classmates
14. Sleeping in
15. Sleeping early
16. Knowing class / meeting just got cancelled
17. Foot drill
18. Whenever someone is visiting over
19. Finding a vacant parking lot near to my apartment’s entrance
20. Collecting my parcels from UniStorage
21. Queensbay Mall’s Daiso
22. Bumping into people whom I like on the street
23. Eating lunch at Awet Muda
24. Discovering new places with certain people
25. Getting a call from bae
26. Laying down on my queen size’s bed after the very long day
27. Finally letting my hair loose
28. Being offered food
29. Driving to my CDs
30. Trying new food / stalls / restaurants / etcetera
31. Sometimes, the rain
32. Eating breakfast
33. The ocean breeze
34. Getting sun-kissed skin at dawn / dusk
35. Walking around Georgetown
36. Buying postcards for my loved ones
37. Riding the bike with Hazwani or Aina
38. Getting picked up for dinner or new adventure
39. Taking great photos of me and the view
40. Finally getting my works done
41. When I actually have time to do my artsy stuff lmao
42. Good Day’s green tea
43. Subaidah’s nasi goreng
44. Driving through Penang Bridge
45. Great Wi-Fi connection at St. John’s room
46. When things go well for me

Ultimate Bae

Bae

Noun; Before Anyone Else

Anyone is possible to be a bae to someone. Mine is my bestfriend, a guy who stepped into my world 7 years ago and has never walked out of the door (yet). I wish that will never happen, not until the very last breath.

Either his or mine.

He came into my life and little did I know, I have built a home in him. A home that could sooth me just by its presence. A home that could provide me comfort just by listening to its voice. A home that could effortlessly put me at ease after all the restless days I have encountered. A home that I have been longing for every time I seek for consolation.

A home that I would always crave for.

He is the first person I would turn to at my hardest times, the first person I would look for at happy moments. I like how we rarely talk to each other but still manage to pick up on each other’s life as how we left it before; as there isn’t a day that has passed without us talking to each other. I like how we call each other from time to time, and the fact that he knows he is actually helping me to keep myself sane by doing that. I like how he would be able to find the sadness in my voice and say, “What’s wrong? I can tell just by your voice” although I sometimes try to cover it up. I like how he listens to my ramblings and nags me about boys anytime he thinks he should. I like how he acts like he couldn’t care less yet becomes protective when the occasions require him to be so. I like how we’ll see each other sometimes without having someone else interrupting our moments. I like how he doesn’t pamper me with sweet shits and stuff but illustrates his love in his own way. Always manage to surprise me. I really appreciate the fact that he never says he would stay, but he did.

And it means the world to me.

Once, I asked myself out of curiousity (and because some people have been questioning me about this urgh it annoys me to the core ffs), “Do I love him more than a friend?”. Yes, I admitted to myself. I love him more than a friend, he is more than a friend to me. Yet the truth I have acquired in me is – everything I feel of him is completely platonic. There is absolutely zero romantic feeling involved and I am 110% sure of it. I felt a pang of relief as soon as I confirmed that because I myself, was worried that I might ruin this whatever bond we have. This bond is priceless to me and I don’t plan of destroying it, ever.

To You,

Hello, big guy. You know who you are. You know that I am your number 1 fangirl and will always be that way so you sometimes don’t even bother to keep your reputation clean in front of me because you do know that I will always feel the same way towards you no matter what. You know that I cherish you so much that I would like to have you as my best man – or my groom’s (I would fight him just to make him gives this pleasure to you) – on our wedding day later. You are so important to me that if one day, I would be lying down in the hospital’s bed out of sickness as I did before, I really hope you could rush back to spend some time visiting me. Because, my man, seeing you helps. Your presence is vital. That is how important you are to me. I do realise that the feeling isn’t mutual, but then again, I am a selfish person. A greedy one. So, help me. Stay. And please don’t get married before me. 

Your Number 1 Fangirl, 

Caek-chan

But he will never read this, because he doesn’t read my blog lmao.

Confession #17

Earlier today, a friend suddenly hugged me and told me how she was so scared seeing me sobbing real hard while being taken off into the emergency room yesterday. That she was so worried about me as she and the others were nervously waiting for my news for hours. And I burst into tears too, I know that feeling. I was terrified too. I did, I still am. After the incident happened, I have become so aware of my breathing and my heartbeat.  I know it sounds like I have exaggerated everything, but it was my first time experiencing it and I swear I was so terrified that I was crying badly in front of the doctors like no one's business. I couldn't care less about whatever they were doing to me, I just wanted to feel myself again. I hope it won't happen again. The thought that it might happen again alone already leaves me breathless.

But I can already feel as it is happening again.