Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Confession #12

Have you ever had this one person in your life whom you could never let him/her go no matter how many times you'd tried because later you would catch yourself running back to them? Because you had always thought that he/she was the only one who would accept you for who you were even though after you had revealed all the demons in you to them? So you thought you had need to have them stayed with you just to make yourself felt loved? Somehow, later you realised that you should walk away from them so they could live better without you?

Because I do.

I had that one person for years. He was there by my side through my ups and downs, through hell and high water. He had seen me at my worst, made me felt like I was at my best. I told him everything, even the stupidest things ever. I had opened up to him, let him saw all the demons I had been keeping in me and he stayed. I let him in. For the very first time, I really let someone in. I let him saw the real me. The both sides of me; the bright side and the dark side.

So you must be thinking why the hell I dumped him /smirk/

They said if you really loved someone, you should let them be happy even if it means that you had to let them go. So I did. Would you like to see someone you loved suffering because of you? Because of your stupid insecurities, your endless mood swings, your uncontrollable temper, your wounded soul and more other things that made you felt like one piece of shit and you took them off on them? Every single time, they would end up as your victims. And every single time, your heart broke for them.

Because that was what I truly felt.

My heart broke for him. But I just couldn't help myself. I blamed him for everything even when it was not his fault, I took my anger on him, I let my demons took control of me and once I'd gotten back my senses, my heart broke for him. Seeing his expression was the worst part. How could I let someone whom I loved this much to bear this tantrum of mine? How could I let someone whom I cared so much to be hurt as much as he was? How long did you think he would suffer this way before he decided to leave?

Then it hit you; you had need to let go.

And since he won't go, you had to walk away. You had to make things done. I did it because I was shielding myself and him from greater pain. I didn't want to be the one left behind as I knew sooner or later he would leave me once he decided that I was too fucked up to be with him. And I did him a huge favour by letting him go, so he could have a better life without me, one that I could not provide for him. And I knew it deep in his heart, he didn't really love me. Because if he did, he would learn from his mistakes. You know when you screwed up a relationship and then you meet someone else so you try all your best to make amend because you don't want the history to repeat itself? That is how it's supposed to work. But not this one guy. He did stay with me but he didn't learn. So that's when I realised that he could be leaving me anytime he felt so. It was hard for me to admit that.

So I left. I walked away from him.

"It's better to break your own heart by leaving. Rather than having that one person breaks your heart every day you with them."

I am wrecked. A total wrecked. I cried days and nights when it first happened. I still cried even after months. It was a good thing that I was doing my practicum so I got myself occupied most of the times but there would be evenings when I thought of him and my heart shattered all over again. I thought about him a lot. I hate it when there was something good happened to me and the first person whom I thought of sharing it with was him. I barely got rid of him. And I felt so frustrated because I couldn't talk to anybody about it since people wouldn't understand. For most of them, as long as he didn't cheat then it's fine. But it's not fine for me /sigh/. Somehow, I am getting better now. A lot better.

But I am still wrecked.

I can't be fixed. I'm too broken to be fixed. Wait, I'm not broken. I'm shattered. Even shattered doesn't cover it all. I'm hurt. Now, I'm incapable of accepting love. After everything that happened to me, how do you think am I supposed to let someone in again? People can't love me. People can't stand my demons. I myself can't stand me. I don't know my worth, but being told that I wasn't worth it by someone who meant the world to me was enough to bring me back to reality. Now I know where to stand. If he could have such a thought, then I bet you could too. If he thought I didn't worth it, I bet you would think of something worse. So I'm going to build up walls around me again, to shield myself from more misery and doing a favour for you so you won't involve with me.

Because I'm shattered.

"It's okay. 
It's okay for you to miss him. 
It's okay for you to feel angry. 

It's okay for you to feel sad and even to cry... 
It's okay. 

It's okay for you to wonder whether or not you made the right decision... 
It's okay." 

- Mr. Amari Soul, Reflections of a Man

I don't have anything more to give to you, to people. If you're going to fill me with love, you would need a lot of them because I'm an empty soul right now. I have nothing left in me. You can't love me. I can't go through everything all over again. I can't let people in anymore because they would eventually leave and the footprints left in my life would cause me a great pain. And obviously, I can't show my demons to the people who can't accept me. I just can't. Even I myself is afraid of my demons, how could I  will ever let you see them?

At the end of day, I still can't be fixed.

"Breaking up can be quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Just know, when the ride is over and you've gotten it all out of your system... it's okay to move on."

- Mr. Amari Soul, Reflections of a Man

I'm sorry if reading this bothers you. When I am writing all these emotional shits, I don't mean to ask for sympathy or what. I don't expect you to understand either. I am writing this here because I just want to write. I just want to express. I want to let everything go. I want a shoulder to cry but I don't have one so here is my shoulder. I just want to write, express my feelings and shut down. Is that too much to ask?

"It's dangerous how wrecked I am,
save me because I can't get a grip on myself."


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