Saturday, July 21, 2012

Confession #2

Assalamualaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh :)

Alhamdulillah, dah nak dekat bukak posa. But I'm not gonna write 'bout that. I have a confession to be made. And let's the story begins.

Hell-o. My name is Nur Syahirah binti Berhan. YES, I AM A GIRL. It's a fact. But there is another fact 'bout me that you need to know; I prefer to be with the boys rather than girls.

"I am a girl and yes, I hang out with guys because it's less drama."

I'm a lone ranger. To be frank, I kinda have pistanthrophobia; fear of trusting and athazagoraphobia; fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting. That's why I rather be on my own. I always tell myself that I rather be alone myself than being alone in a crowd. Get what I mean? That's why I'm always with Pan. Sometimes Mubin or Ali. No, I don't spend most of my time with Pan because he is my boyfriend but because he's the only one who knows me the best. He understands me well. And sometimes he even realize something about myself that me myself never realize 'bout it. It's not because he is my boyfriend. But it's because he is my real bestfriend. He always there for me, get through all the thicks and thins together. That's why people always see me with him. But people never understand me. I did tell him that I'll be okay on my own, he doesn't have to go everywhere with me but he replied me with this.

"Kalau hang takmaw balik dengan aku takpa. Tapi hang kena janji hang balik dengan orang lain."

He knows me the best. He knows that I'll be alone on my own so that's why he always be with me. I used to have girl bestfriends. But all of them left me just like that, without an explanation. I always ask myself, is it because of my temper? Or perhaps my attitude? Or because I am poor? Okay. Maybe because I'm being stupid. Honestly, I used to act stupid in front of the girls just because I want them to be friend with me. I want them to accept me into the society. That's all what I want. But no, they only find me when they need me. Like my brotha said,

"Pulau bila perlu."

I cried everyday because of my 'friends'. I told you earlier, I have been dump by my girlfriends. And that's the reason why I don't want to be closer with the girls. Senang kata, the scars are still hurt. I can still feel the scars ache everytime I try to move on. I'm afraid. Afraid of being betrayed again. Afraid of being left out again. Afraid of being a puppet again. Most of the girls that are friend with me now aren't for real. It's killing me. Totally. Absolutely. I'm afraid to put my trust on people. Because once they lose it, they gonna lose it forever. Maybe I am alone, but it doesn't mean that I'm lonely. *grinning*


And yes, the girl bestfriends that I'm talking about are budak maktab :)

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