Saturday, July 21, 2012

Confession #2

Assalamualaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh :)

Alhamdulillah, dah nak dekat bukak posa. But I'm not gonna write 'bout that. I have a confession to be made. And let's the story begins.

Hell-o. My name is Nur Syahirah binti Berhan. YES, I AM A GIRL. It's a fact. But there is another fact 'bout me that you need to know; I prefer to be with the boys rather than girls.

"I am a girl and yes, I hang out with guys because it's less drama."

I'm a lone ranger. To be frank, I kinda have pistanthrophobia; fear of trusting and athazagoraphobia; fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting. That's why I rather be on my own. I always tell myself that I rather be alone myself than being alone in a crowd. Get what I mean? That's why I'm always with Pan. Sometimes Mubin or Ali. No, I don't spend most of my time with Pan because he is my boyfriend but because he's the only one who knows me the best. He understands me well. And sometimes he even realize something about myself that me myself never realize 'bout it. It's not because he is my boyfriend. But it's because he is my real bestfriend. He always there for me, get through all the thicks and thins together. That's why people always see me with him. But people never understand me. I did tell him that I'll be okay on my own, he doesn't have to go everywhere with me but he replied me with this.

"Kalau hang takmaw balik dengan aku takpa. Tapi hang kena janji hang balik dengan orang lain."

He knows me the best. He knows that I'll be alone on my own so that's why he always be with me. I used to have girl bestfriends. But all of them left me just like that, without an explanation. I always ask myself, is it because of my temper? Or perhaps my attitude? Or because I am poor? Okay. Maybe because I'm being stupid. Honestly, I used to act stupid in front of the girls just because I want them to be friend with me. I want them to accept me into the society. That's all what I want. But no, they only find me when they need me. Like my brotha said,

"Pulau bila perlu."

I cried everyday because of my 'friends'. I told you earlier, I have been dump by my girlfriends. And that's the reason why I don't want to be closer with the girls. Senang kata, the scars are still hurt. I can still feel the scars ache everytime I try to move on. I'm afraid. Afraid of being betrayed again. Afraid of being left out again. Afraid of being a puppet again. Most of the girls that are friend with me now aren't for real. It's killing me. Totally. Absolutely. I'm afraid to put my trust on people. Because once they lose it, they gonna lose it forever. Maybe I am alone, but it doesn't mean that I'm lonely. *grinning*

AKU TAK KACAW HANG, HANG JANGAN KACAW AKU

And yes, the girl bestfriends that I'm talking about are budak maktab :)

Friday, July 20, 2012

Confession #1

DEAR YOU,

Hai. Aku dah lama sakit hati dengan hang. Serius aku tahan lama dah. Dari dulu lagi aku simpan jea hang buat pa pun kat aku kata whatsoever kat aku sebab aku respect hang. Sebab hang banyak ajaq aku. Yes, you have my respectation because of that. Tapi bab lain, hang failed. Failed jaga hati kawan, failed as good friend. Aku sedaq aku sapa. Aku bodo. Tak pandai macam hang. Tak layak nak kawan dengan hang yang setiap kali naik pentas dapat anugerah pengetua, yang cikgu dok bangga banggakan sangat. Aku pulak failed memanjang, five years dok situ tak penah dapat anugerah pengetua pun. Yes, I admit it. What a shame. Tapi, jangan buat aku macam tunggul kayu. I have feelings too. Tambah tambah pulak aku ni spesis fragile, pantang silap sikit. Tapi bagi aku, hang dah melampau. Foine, aku mengaku yang aku ni takdak kawan macam hang. Yang nak p mana semua ajak. Aku kan spesis sorang sorang. Jalan mana pun sorang. Kalau bukan sorang pun, mesti dengan pan. Aku bukannya hotstuff macam hang. Tapi hang tak sedaq yang kawan hat dok balik sekali dengan hang tu pun meluat kat hang sebab hang suka buat muka, suka cari pasai. Ex-roommate aku hat cukup payah nak qeyau tu pun boleh qeyau sebab hang. Aku jenis sedaq diri weyyy. Aku taw aku tak pandai macam hang tapi perlu ka hang dok perli perli aku segala bagai? Perlu ka hang nak hina aku? Time hang perli aku tu aku taw hang saja jea raised your voice sebab nak bagi aku dengaq kan? Hang bukannya taktaw aku ada kat crime scene. Hang third person yang boleh buat aku qeyau mengamuk sampai macam tu. Congrats la nah. Aku tak kesah hang nak kata pa pun kat aku tapi bila mai sangkut dengan pakwe aku, hat tu aku bengang. Hang taktaw pa pasai aku, hang diam sudah. Oh, hang peqeli aku pasai pakwe aku. Kat pakwe aku tak berani pulak nak kata lagu tu, mai kat aku baru nak pedeqaih soqa bagi aku dengaq.
BERANINYA HANG MACAM AYAM
Dah la perli aku malam tu lepas tu siap boleh tuduh aku macam macam pulak. Hang kata tu la ni la padahai hang tu taktaw pa. Benda yang hang cakap tu semua opposite. I swear on my own name, your stories are originally made by you. Terima kasih banyak banyak la nah pompuan? And you know what, aku cukup payah nak call someone tu 'betina' tapi tahniah la sebab hang dah tersenarai dalam list even though aku pernah label hang macam tu sekali jea depan pakwe aku. I still have my dignity. I am NOTHING like you. Hang boleh p mampoih la dengan hidup hang. Bukannya aku tak boleh hidup pun kalau takdak hang. Cuma satu la aku nak pesan, berubah la wey. Sikit sikit buat muka, ingat lawa kot.


p/s: Sorry aku post entry ni malam Ramadhan. Aku dah geram sangat dah ni. By-the-way, Marhaban Yaa Ramadhan. May GOD bless us, Ameen :)